Fiancee Not Hip to Direct Communication with Future Inlaws

My fiancee and I have been dating for a while and keep running into the same problem over and over again. My parents are phone people who expect regular phone contact with their children, which I am happy to give them and do give them. But they have been disappointed and hurt by what they see as my fiancee's unwillingness to maintain a direct relationship with them through regular phone calls, particularly my mother. In the past, at my request, my fiance has made an effort to call my mother directly but the direct relationship becomes too much for my fiance to handle and she cuts it off again. Right now my parents are going through a tough time and are upset she hasn't called them directly to see how they are doing.

My fiancee, on the other hand, feels that she already has a nuclear family of her own to call all the time, and would prefer if I would be the buffer between her and my family for this regular contact. I only call her family directly rarely, and they are fine with that, so she feels it is unfair to expect her to do otherwise regardless of my family's expectations and interpretations.

Is it wrong of my parents to impose their expectations of their children onto my fiancee? Is it reasonable for my parents to expect to have a regular and direct relationship with my future wife? Or is it wrong of my fiancee to refuse to call them directly?

Thanks!
-AL

Dear AL,

Whether it's once a week or once a month, I feel it's up to your fiancee to decide how much contact she wants to have with her future inlaws and how much communication she feels comfortable initiating. It's not fair that your parents should expect or try to force your fiancee to communicate with them as much as you do. They need to respect her feelings and allow her to assimilate into your family at her own pace. The more they try to force her to act or behave in the way that they want, the further away they will push her and create more alienation. It's wonderful that you want to be close to your family, that you contact them frequently and that your fiancee encourages and supports your relationship with them. However, you do have to support your fiancee's feelings and not force your family's habits or expectations onto her. Just as she supports you in not wanting constant or frequent communication with her parents, you owe it to her to support her when it comes to yours. In time, when she becomes your wife and participates in family events and get togethers, she may develop a bond with your parents that will lead to more communication. I really do feel that if they give her breathing room, she will come around on her own. And, should you two decide to have children, there will be plenty of opportunities to develop closer bonds and communications as the future grandparents become a part of the children's lives.

Good luck with everything and please let me know how this situation plays out!

Blessings,
Zuri