Fibromyalgia and Sex

It's been a long, exhausting day. You had to work your normal job, then come home and cook, then do the dishes. It's only 9pm, but you feel like it's 4 in the morning and you're ready to fall over. Suddenly your spouse looks at you in that way and smiles and strokes your arm, and you know they want to make love, but all you can do is stare at them in shock. Don't they know how you feel?

If this sounds like a page out of your life, you're not alone.

All that said, we all know that sex is key to a good relationship. So how do you work sex in with all the pain and the other things that fibro people have to deal with, on top of regular daily life? Well, I'd say "carefully," but that's a bit of a cliche. Plus, it's not as correct as the other word I'm thinking of.

Gently.

It doesn't hurt to remember that making love doesn't always have to equal intercourse. If you absolutely can't handle it, and your partner is rarin' to go, you can help them manually achieve orgasm while kissing and caressing them- this may seem awkward at first, but the intimacy of it will help to bring you closer together and as a bonus, the partner who wants the orgasm gets one while the exhausted and sore partner gets to enjoy being close while not having to expend too much energy.

If your partner doesn't want that because they don't feel right about it, or because they prefer intercourse, then you might need to put it off at that point- but there are a few positions that are easier on the sore body- a few pillows in the right place can make all the difference, too. Something recommended to me that I have found is *very* helpful is to put a few pillows beneath my hips when I am in the missionary position. The soft pillows help absorb the impact, help the angle of my partner's thrusts, and make things all around more pleasurable. Experiment with pillows to see what helps you!

Timing is often everything, too. After a hard day's work, the last thing you might feel like doing is having sex- but perhaps if you sit on the couch and talk to your partner, connect and vent and share what went on during your day, you might feel better and more like a little nookie before dinner. Because certainly, if you are cooking, after you've spent your energy preparing dinner, you may not have the energy for sex later! If you're fortunate enough to have a partner who cooks, however, after dinner might be a better option for you.

It may seem silly to put off sex until the weekend, but if you're having a particularly rough flare, that may be the best thing for you. Certainly, putting off things until you can both take your time and be gentle with each other is better than trying to fit sex into an evening when you may be tired, cranky from work, or simply acquiescing to please your partner. Making sex into an event- a date, a time for you and your partner to be with each other and have special time for each other- can also renew your interest in each other and give your relationship a boost.

This may be something you've considered, but be patient with your partner. They are dealing with your disease as much as you are- and as much as the ever-changing winds of fibro blow you off balance, so does it blow your partner off balance. Something as simple as taking the time to make a special dinner and "sex date" with them might seem silly- but it can mean the world to a partner who is feeling the strain of having their desires thwarted time and again by the whims of fibromyalgia.

Above all else? Communicate! If you don't tell your partner you're tired and hurting, they'll never know. If you reject their advances without explaining in a kind voice that you're utterly BEAT from work, they're going to be hurt and confused, and probably more than a little angry. That kind of thing can lead to a fight later- and trust me, it'll be over the dumbest thing, and neither of you will realize you're fighting over the rejected advance until it's far too late. Keep the lines of communication open. Keep status updates coming, because you have to. They are as crucial to your relationship as the sex you're trying to have. :)

Finally? Don't give up. It might feel like you're never going to want to have sex ever again- but that's the fibro talking, not you. Lust strikes at the oddest moment (just pray the in-laws aren't visiting when you start feeling frisky- and knowing Murphy, they will be!), and you'll feel it again. And when you do, take advantage of it, and enjoy it!