Fighting Back Against Eating Disorders

If you caught a glimpse of me walking down the street today, you might notice that I'm a tall-ish young woman, wear glasses, sport what my students call "boy hair," and am fit and muscular. You would never guess that a year ago I was emaciated, that my body had trouble healing even the most minor scratches, and that I suffered from constant cold. Why? Because I was caught in the midst of the mental illness known as anorexia. But somehow, I'm still alive. And not only am I not dead (no small feat, for some of us who struggle with eat disorders), but I'm thriving. I'm out of the very real slavery, darkness, and isolation of anorexia. Daily I discover so many things about myself and about life that I absolutely love and that I was missing out on because of my anorexia.

My story was not always this sunny, though. At times, I longed for death. I wanted to be alone, friendless, and for my husband to divorce me so that I could just be anorexic and (I thought) be happy. I cut myself off from family, friends, and my faith. I kept going to therapy, but half-hoped that my therapist would shut me up in a hospital where I wouldn't have to decide anything for myself. Somehow, against all the odds, I never gave up the struggle to get healthy -- and I succeeded. There were many, many times, however, that I wanted to give up, that I thought I should simply give in. If you or someone that you love has ever felt this way, here are some of the benefits, from my personal experience, of beating back the darkness brought by eating disorders.

I have secured and kept a full-time job working with elementary students with severe behaviors (violence, spectrum disorder stuff, fallout from abusive/absent parents, etc.). I've gone from hating my job to loving the kids, and even willingly chose to continue working with them over the summer, and I'm going back to teach them again this fall. I've continued my eating disorder therapy, and am now able to go in only once every two weeks and maintain appropriate health, weight, and exercise and eating habits. I even enjoy chatting with my therapist, and know that in-patient eating disorder care is no longer a very real future for me.

My marriage has transformed from pointless and painful for my husband into a real, living relationship that is growing stronger each day as we learn how to communicate with and love one another. I've not only stopped ignoring God, but am actively putting Him first by prioritizing my time with Him above my early morning exercise (that was a big and very recent step for me!). I also am seeing the value in friends, neighbors, and just people in general. I don't want to be alone anymore! I want to have friends, be with them, and care about them more than what I put in my mouth. I'm now rekindling lapsed friendships and trying to start new ones.

I'm excited about having a family. What's more, the hubby and I consider ourselves healthy enough (both in terms of my eating disorder and our relationship, which suffered greatly as a result of ED) to start trying for a baby. We are praying that my anorexia has not ruined my body's capacity for procreation.

I've turned my exercise into something that I compulsively do into something that I do responsibly for fitness and for training purposes. I've now run in two 5Ks and one 10K races, and am running in another 10K this weekend. What's more, I'm competing in a triathlon at the end of the summer! I now see my body as strong as opposed to something to be controlled, and nourish it so I can do these active challenges that I so enjoy. I've also gotten my exercise down to a normal level. I take rest days. I don't workout more than 10 hours a week.

I love how healthy and strong I look -- and feel. When I look at pictures taken of me in the midst of my eating disorder, I'm shocked at the difference between then and now. I look so thin and wasted in those photos, yet at the time I thought I was the embodiment of beauty. Although I still worry about getting a muffin top, I much prefer this "new" body, complete with padding in all the right places and breasts and, yes, even a little bit of a tummy.

I love life post-anorexia. It's not always easy, but the struggle is worth it -- every drop of sweat, every seed of fear, every pound lost or gained. Battle on!