FiISHWRAPPER Three?

There are moments when I become stuck and frustrated at the fact that my life is not what it should or could be. It is so frustrating that I become depressed, I analyze every thing I say or do. I get angry at the problems and don't support solutions. It appears that I cannot do what I believe I need to do in order to be a Christian. That I am always on sin or another away from being righteous, I know I am saved and forgiven, but that is what is makes it worse, in my head. The freedom of Christ seems to be more of a chance to fail at changing...

What is strange, is that all I have thought for ages is that I need to change to be better...that I need to have the lifestyle so Christ can fix me...WHAT?!?!? What is this? How can Christ fix me if I have the right lifestyle? How can Christ heal me if I don't feel that I am sick? I am sick, very sick. I have been sick for a very long time...Christ healed me ages ago...my lifestyle hasn't caught up...it doesn't necessarily need to. It seems that if I am already healed I need not worry about being healed...why should I live that redundantly? If Christ healed me when I was the sickest I could be, then I don't need to worry about what I have done or even what I have to do...I only need to focus on what Christ has done...I only need to live as if I am healed...A person who almost dies of lung cancer, and lives, is healed, will be called a fool by everyone, if they start smoking. Why do I believe I will be the same always? When I know Christ has healed me...that knowledge is what can keep me from my sins...not any knowledge of the right lifestyle...it is not my lifestyle...it is Christ...

The sun grows larger as I look down at my hands. I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm free...that I'm not a prisoner to anything. My mind tells me that can't be. It points out all the crap that's happen, even in the last two days. I try to agree with my mind, as soon as I agree, it leaves me alone. Then I can wallow in the crap. But the feeling of being free doesn't leave, no matter how many times I tell my mind that I agree. I look at all the laws, of this world and of His world, and I look at all my body has done to break those laws. 'there is no way I am free from this' The sounds are whispered from my mouth. Its cold and I feel myself shaking. I should go back inside, but I can't, I feel too free. If people where to know what I've done and how free I feel, they stone me, more likely for the freedom. 'Christ, how can you be so sure of this? How can you be so confident that I am free? How can you say that? How can you make me feel that? Don't you know what I've done? Don't you care that it has been wrong? Don't you want a cleaner man, a man without a history? Don't you want a man that others can follow with a clear conscious? Am I not ugly to you? Am I not dirty to you? I don't understand this; please share with me your reasoning. Please show me the truth.' The sun has nearly cleared the horizon and the chill within me deepens. I can't look straight. I can't look up. My eyes are watering from the emotions I've held in tight rein, wanting no one to know my immaturity. Its ugly, how young I am, isn't it?

My hands move of their own accord,
Begging to do what my mind declines
The body is truly weak
The mind carries anger
I see young men fight with everything
I see understanding draw tears from young women.
Our parents try to act the lives we need to see
We are not sure of their positions.
I can't look you in the eye
I don't know you enough to be honest
I don't care enough to fight the thoughts of being alone
My ears hear and my eyes see
Little is the bearing I have on you
Little do I care for this.
Please pray for me
I'll try to pray for you.
Will we do it correctly.
Will we be honest?
Will we be like Christ?
Pray.