Filmaholics: How to Tell If You're Addicted to Cinema

People can be addicted to all sorts of things. Films, movies, are no different. And while most people think a film addiction can't hurt, the truth is that it can. It can alienate you from the rest of the world. It can drain your bank account. It turns you into a walking, talking encyclopedia of meaningless quotes like Cameron Diaz moaning, "I have to be Jello!" to Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding. The bad news is that filmaholicism can happen to anyone, and it sneaks up on you like a thief in the night. There's good news, too, but we'll get to that later.

I'm just going to be open, honest, and get this off my chest straight away: when it comes to The Godfather, I am a classic filmaholic. There was a time that I could not go a full month without popping the VHS or DVD into the VCR or computer, settling in, and watching my favorite movie of all time. I know the movie so well I can walk away for twenty minutes and not miss a beat because I've silently been reciting the film to myself. I see fresh fish in the super market and think of a Sicilian message and poor Luca Brasi. If ever someone tells me, "I don't know what to do," my instantly desired response that I must hold in for dear life is, "You can act like a man!" and a slap in the face. The full course load of my Interpersonal Communications class in college was analyzed and processed through the scope of this trilogy. If there was such a thing as being addicted to The Godfather, my friends and family would have staged an intervention years ago.

To be a filmaholic is no joke. Well, okay, it's a bit of a joke, but that's not to say it can't be considered an actual addiction. If you can be addicted to chocolate, you can be equally addicted to movies.

Fortunately, though there is probably no scientific diagnosis for filmaholicism, it's pretty easy to tell if you're honing in on becoming a filmaholic. The life of a filmaholic is characterized by three key factors. We'll call them the three Musts of filmaholicism.

Must #1: "I Must See"

Have you ever seen those commercials that call a particular film the "must-see film of the year?" There are two facts you must know about such advertisement. First, that pitch is a lie; you don't have to see that film. You probably won't be any worse for wear if you don't see that movie. If it was really a must-see film, there'd be a law in print somewhere requiring everybody to see it; as of today, I know of no such amendment to the Constitution. Unfortunately, the second fact makes the first one moot, because the second fact is this: A filmaholic falls for the lie. A true filmaholic probably realizes that the "must-see film" pitch is a lie, but the pitch nags at him. It wakes her up in the middle of the night, tossing and turning over the question, "Why is it the must-see film of the year? What makes this film so great?" A filmaholic's mind lets her forget that just last week she saw the last must-see film of the year. A logical person's mind tells him that they can't all be the must-see film of the year; there is no such luck for the filmaholic. Before the movie has been in theaters for a full month, you've bought you ticket and sat through a two hour movie you realize wasn't the must-see movie of the year, even if it was pretty good. A desperate filmaholic will run from the theater moments after the movie ends and buy another, just in case they happened to blink during the moment of the movie that made it the must-see film of the year.

Must #2: "I Must Own"

The first Must of filmaholicism is nothing without the second, which is the "I must own" Must. Whether the first time you saw the film was in the theater or on television, you think to yourself that your life will be forever incomplete if you don't own that movie. It doesn't matter that you taped it last week, or that your parents own a copy; you have to own it, for yourself, from your own cash funds. A lower level filmaholic will buy the film in any condition, including used as long as it's not all scratched up or filled with VHS fuzz. A mid-level filmaholic will buy the movie after its first month on shelves, at a discount price from a store like Walmart or Target. An upper-level filmaholic will buy the film when it first comes out in stores, no matter the price. The filmaholic you need to worry about-- especially if you think you fall into this category-- buys the film as soon as it comes out no matter the price. A week later, he or she discovers a two disc extended edition, and buys it as well. A few months later, the filmaholic learns of a director's cut, and must buy it. Two years down the line, a restored version of the film is released with better images, longer scenes, and senseless extras like director's commentary you'll never listen to and casting calls you'll never watch; you will buy it, because you must. The filmaholic watches his movie collection grow from five VHS tapes his parents bought him years ago to over 100 DVDs he's purchased over the past four months.

Must #3: "I Must Know"

In light of the mild-severity of the first two Musts, the third Must is the true sign of a filmaholic: "I must know." A true filmaholic is not satisfied with owning ten different versions of the film, the book it was based off of, a copy of the script, the official soundtrack and the album inspired by the film, and every single poster ever printed that has anything to do with the film. The true filmaholic does not rest until she has memorized the script, in its entirety. The true filmaholic hears a song from the soundtrack and knows exactly where it comes in during the film. He knows what watch the main character wears. She can tell you ever item visible on the girlfriend's nightstand. This is the person who, as you watch the movie in a different room, comes rushing in at the sound of a door shutting in the film shouting, "Oh, this is the best scene ever!" and proceeds to quote the scene behind you as you try to hide your amazement. This person knows all the details behind the production of the film: how much it cost to film, every actor considered for every role, why the guy who directed it almost gave it up, which real-life people the characters are based on, everything from the location at which each scene was shot to the history of the film's public reception. This is the movie fan you're scared to watch anything with, lest he show up the next week responding to anything you say with quotes from the movie.

If you believe you're on the path to becoming a filmaholic, or have just realized that you are a red-alert, level-five, don't-stop-for-me-save-yourself filmaholic, don't fret: there is hope for you yet (this is that good news I told you about a while ago). The first step to recovery is to realize that you don't actually have to see every film the media tells you is the "must-see-film of the year." Recognizing the lie is a pivotal step in learning to break your bondage. The next step is learning the value of renting or borrowing. Yes, some films are worth owning (I recommend The Godfather), but not all. Once you get past the need to own every movie you set your eyes on, you can move on to learning the balance between knowing a movie and knowing a movie. Nobody will hold it against you if you can recite a few lines from a favorite movie. Lots of people spend time joking with each other with quotes from films like The Godfather; it's like an offer you can't refuse. But try not to make it an essential part of everything you say. When you find yourself panicking because you can't come up with a good quote in reply to someone asking you how your day was, you know you're in trouble. Try to keep your quoting within strict boundaries, like when playing games like Trivial Pursuit. But remember, the first step to recovery is always admitting that you have a problem (no matter how laughable a problem it may seem).