Final Visit

Hands shaking, Tonya pressed her neatly pulled back bun of hair. I must look terrible, she thought. She looked at her dismal reflection in the glass window of the door. The weight of exhaustion was heavy. The previous sleepless night had taken its toll. Tonya rubbed the dark circles under her light brown eyes. She raised her naturally arched eyebrows and licked her plump brown lips. Her cinnamon brown complexion was just like her mother's. Tonya fumbled in her handbag for the key to her mother's house. Her sister had given hers up long ago.

Her mother had always been difficult. Tonya shuddered. She remembered the time she got the courage to move out on her own.

"I think it's time for me to have my own place," Tonya had said, staring at her mother's back. Her mother had busily washed dishes. A cool mood had darkened the room despite the rays of cheerful sunshine that illuminated the kitchen.

"That's nice. I hope it's someplace decent." Her mother had slammed the cabinet shut. It rattled loudly.

"It is nice. You could help me pick out furniture," Tonya said.

"Yes, that would be fun." Her mother had turned her concentration to the counter top and wiped it with quick circular motions. She never looked at Tonya during the conversation. Tonya stood, teeth clenched, nauseated with guilt. Feeling that same nauseous sensation now, Tonya turned the lock with her key.

"Hello, Tonya." Her mother smiled. She looked down from the loft. Her smile faltered as she observed Tonya's appearance.

"Hi, Mother." Tonya tugged at her collar. She forced a smile.

"Well, you look nice," Tonya's mother said after a pause. She came down the stairs, her robe flowing behind her. Tonya gave her a quick hug. She could smell the soft fruity scent of her mother's perfume. "It's good to see you, Tonya."

"Good to see you too," Tonya said.

"Coffee?" Her mother asked. She walked toward the kitchen. Tonya's mother never actually made the coffee, but always offered it. Tonya prepared it.

The warm fragrance of vanilla flavored coffee filled the air. Tonya sat at the kitchen table, hands clasped tightly in her lap. Her stomach lurched as if she were on a plane during take off. She regretted eating breakfast.

"Since you're now divorced and obviously Austin is so expensive to live on what you make, when will you be returning to San Antonio?" Tonya's mother asked.

"Actually, I'm not moving back here. I got a promotion that will take me to D.C.-Washington, D.C., that is," Tonya said. She crossed her legs and smoothed her skirt. Tonya's words hung in the air. Her mother sat in shocked silence. Tonya swallowed hard. Unable to meet her mother's gaze, Tonya stared at her own feet. She was familiar with this disapproving silence. Tonya chewed at her bottom lip, fighting a feeling of smallness that was like a large heavy ball in the pit of her stomach.

"How will you support yourself?" Her mother stared, eyebrows raised.

"I just said that I got a promotion, Mother." Tonya shifted in her chair.

"You can't be making that much. D.C.? It's expensive, and filthy and I won't even mention the high crime rate. You always make things so difficult, Tonya."

"How?" Tonya asked.

"You make silly decisions. You married a man you hardly knew. Now you're divorced at age 30. I knew that was a mistake."

"Yes, it was a mistake, but it was my mistake. Not yours. It's not always about you," Tonya said.

Her mother closed her mouth with a snap, pressing her lips together. Tonya had never spoken to her this way before.

"Don't use that tone with me," her mother hissed, trying to recover.

"Don't use that tone with me." Tonya leaned forward as she spoke.

"Do what you want." Tonya's mother rolled her eyes. "Don't dare call me when you fail."

"I've made it this far on my own. I think I can take care of myself."

"You're just like your sister. And you'll end up just like her-going nowhere and doing absolutely nothing."

"So what if I am like her? She's not so bad."

"She is awful. I thought at least you could do things..."

"Your way, Mom? Why can't you respect me for the person I am? It's always the same with you-if it is not your way then it's the wrong way," Tonya said. She felt light-headed. This was the first time she spoke what she really felt to her mother.

"I'm not the enemy. I'm your mother." She spoke as if she was reasoning with a small child.

"I'm not the enemy because I want to live my life on my terms." Tonya mirrored her mother's tone. "I have made my decision to move. I didn't want to have this conversation over the phone."

"I still think you are making a mistake, but you can do what you want." Tonya's mother flipped her hand in the air. "Coffee's ready. You know how I like mine."

Looking at her mother, Tonya realized for the first time that she would never please her and must now live life for herself. There was an awkward silence. The two women, who looked more like sisters, sipped their coffee.

"It's getting late, Mother. I have to go."

"Of course you do."

Tonya hugged her mother who was now stiff and distant. She walked toward the front door and put the house key on the end table.

"You'll have to lock the door, Mother." Tonya did not wait for a response. She closed the door behind her.