Finals Week Survival Guide

When people talk about exams, they always give you the same schpiel about not cramming and developing good study habits. Here's the thing, no real student has good study habits. So if you just realized that your finals are a few days away, here's how to get by with terrible study habits.

Don't do the reading. If you only have a few precious hours the last thing you want to do is drudge through some boring textbook. You're kidding yourself if you think it's going to prepare you in any way. Aside from the fact that you probably won't remember that important footnote, 95% of the test is probably going to come from the Powerpoints no matter what your professors say. Besides, if you know your notes well enough, you might be able to correctly guess anything that's from the book.

Don't complain. Listen, we all have exams. Talking about how busy you are is only wasting your time, and unfortunately, everyone else's as well. Think about all the studying you can get done while you think of the perfect Facebook status to sum up your stress.

Don't go to the library. In theory, the library is the place to be in order to focus but in actuality, that's where you'll find the most distractions. There are moving stacks and people moving outside the window and worst of all, other people studying. You'd never think that someone else reading a book is interesting until you realize you've been staring at them for two hours.

Energize. Chances are, your sleeping is going to be greatly restricted. Sure, you could just get a proper night's sleep but who has time for that? In extreme cases, coffee might not cut it. Try Red Bull or over the counter stimulants.

Relax. Optimal studying conditions require that you not only be wired, but also relaxed enough to focus. So when you've gotten so tweaked out on energy drinks that all you can think about is how fast your heart is beating, go masturbate. Seriously, masturbation is the key to relaxation. If you can't get at least half your studying done after that, then I'm sorry, there isn't much we can do for you. 
6. If all else fails, take a little nap and study later.

These tips are a guaranteed route to success. You can bet my 3.8 GPA on it. Goodnight and Good luck.