Financial Infidelity: 10 Tips in the Aftermath of Secret Spending

"For better, for worse, in sickness, and in health, for richer for poorer, until ..." Is it death or debt these days, that ends relationships? Instead of finding lipstick stains on shirt collars or love note in pockets, far too often people are finding hidden clothing in closets, porn in basements and empty 401K accounts. Within a relationship, if a person is spending or hiding money of which the partner is not aware, it is called financial infidelity. It sounds dirty doesn't it? It is. Call it financial infidelity, fiscal infidelity, hidden spending, secret spending, cheating, out right stealing, what ever name you put on this, it's not a rose and it stinks. It damages trust, kills relationships and is the number one reason young married couples fight.

Sexual and Financial Infidelity Often Together:

Often when you find financial infidelity there is sexual infidelity too. It makes sense when you think about it. When a partner is showering the new source of their affection with dinners out, paying for a motel room or taking them to a show it is doubtful they will bring the stubs home for perusal. The evidence that money was spent will be hidden. This adds to the hurt and treachery; when paired together it is a deeper level of financial infidelity. It is a symptom of a marriage or partnership in jeopardy.

Confession of the Fiscally Unfaithful:

If you are the one that has been fiscally unfaithful, full disclosure is in order. Tell your partner something along these lines: "Honey, I have a problem. I made a mistake. I take full responsibility for my overspending. Can we talk about how to fix this?" How your partner reacts is up to them. You are only responsible for your actions. But sooner or later the truth will come out; tax time has a way of always coming around every April15^th. Remember, confession is good for the soul.

Surviving the Confession:

If you are already the survivor of financial infidelity or secret speeding, how do you get your relationship and your "financial-ship" back on the right course?

Here are 10 tips to help you:

* Make a pact that there will be no more lies or secrets between the two of you. This will help both your relationship
and your financial future.

*If your partner has taken ownership of the problem, than focus on fixing the problem. There are no "do over's" so the best outcome that can be had is that your partner learns from their mistakes and communication between the two of you are improved. If your partner hasn't taken ownership of the problem then professional help is in order. A psychotherapist can help get to the root as to why your partner felt the need to overspend, lie about it and is unable to own up to what has happened.

*Do you know what you owe? In order to fix the problem there needs to be awareness as to how big the problem is. Here is the big and scary part. Add up all assets and debt. If the numbers are overwhelming, get help. There are plenty of non-profit debt repayment or consolidation agencies out there to help you. If there is a fee to help negotiate to lower your debt for lower payments, you are at the wrong agency.

*Get copies of your credit reports from all three main credit bureaus. Copies of these are available free once every 12 months at www.annualcreditreport.com. Check for accuracy of the report and make certain there is an awareness of the totality of the debt. While were on the subject of gathering important reports, make certain you also get a yearly statement with how much you have paid into Social Security. https://secure.ssa.gov/apps6z/isss/main.html.

*Make a financial plan (formerly known by the negative term, budget). Do this together. This is one time to make sure that if uncertain as to how to make this plan, ask for directions (Yes, men this means you too). This plan should include a retirement plan and a savings plan. The rule of thumb is the less you earn the more you need a plan.

*Make certain to follow the plan that you made. It is wonderful that time was taken to develop a fiscal plan, to discuss with each other your hopes and dreams for the future. However, none of this will happen if the plan isn't followed.

*Plan to have fun. If your financial plan does not have discretionary funds built for both people it is doomed before it starts. No one wants to follow a plan that doesn't allow for some spontaneity. While you are planning on having fun, plan to have that fun with your partner. You would be amazed at the free activities across the United States that are free to do, including lectures on finances.

*Both partners in the relationship need to be able to pay the bills in case of an emergency situation. If bills are paid on line, this makes this task particularly easy. It also saves money in the cost of saved stamps. However, with one person normally in charge of this activity, it tends to cause less confusion.

*Change your relationship with money as a couple. If this is truly a partnership,then the money is not yours, or mine; it's ours. The debt, the goals, the future, the mistakes (that's a hard one to swallow, I know) are our debts, goals, future...

*Talk about preconceived ideas about money were brought into the partnership.Talk about how well or how poorly your families handled money. Talk about how it feels to be the low wage earner or the high wage earner. Talk...Talk...Talk... Keep the lines of communication open. As you talk, you will begin to rebuild trust.

It will take time to recover from financial unfaithfulness. It is possible to move forward and overcome this setback. If for some reason you decide that you have irreconcilable differences and your accounts were joined together you will still need to deal with the consequences stemming from the financial infidelity.

Sources:
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Investing/HomeMortgageSavings/TheMarriageBreaker.aspx