Financial Infidelity - I was a Cheating Spouse

It is estimated that roughly 30 to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage. That is a shocking statistic. The feelings of betrayal, the deception, and the hurt are difficult to get over. Trust me; I know. I was a cheating spouse.

Now, I have to say that I have never done anything that would be traditionally considered cheating. I committed financial infidelity. I was in charge (was is a key word, but more on that later) of the finances in my family, and I used that fact to hide our financial situation, my spending, and the trouble my spouse and I were in.

To make a long story short, before my children were born, my wife and I lived a pretty free existence. We traveled, adventured, and spent freely. When my first child was born, we found ourselves with the responsibilities that come with being parents. We didn't travel as much, we had fewer adventures, and my wife stopped spending as much. I didn't.

I don't know the psychology behind my choices; maybe I was jealous or resentful of my daughter, but I found myself spending very selfishly and secretively. I bought electronics, CD's, food, pay-per-view television shows, you name it. If I could purchase it, and hide the purchase from my wife, it was mine. I took out credit cards (in our name), and quickly maxed them out. Because I paid the bills, My wife had no idea of how much money we were going through.

With the added expenses of a new baby and hospital bills, we ended up dead broke. I could hide the bills, but I could not hide the debt collector's calls. One afternoon, while I was actually out shopping, a debt collector called and confronted my wife about the late hospital bills. She had no idea, and was caught totally off guard. When I returned home, all of my deception came crashing onto me. She said she felt like I cheated on her. She felt that way because I did. I will leave out the gory details, but in the end, I was wrong; she was right.

I learned that deception of any kind will hurt, and that mistrust can seriously destroy a relationship. I was also forced to confront the emotional baggage that had caused me to spend so irresponsibly. I also opened myself up to total transparency and scrutiny of our financial situation. The openness and honesty are a blessing and a relief.

If you are financial cheater, or if you suspect your spouse of financial infidelity, here are a few tips that we follow:

• Communicate.
• Request both of your free credit reports annually. Go over them together and don't be afraid to ask questions.
• Pay the bills together - all of them. Yes, it will be possible for a spouse to hide a bill, but it will be harder.
• Communicate.
• Reconcile the checkbook together.
• Watch for new purchases. Ask about them if there are any.
• Communicate.

Did you catch the theme? Communication is key in healing any relationship, and it saved mine. Seven happy years, another child, and a lot of accountability later, we are in the black and love it here. My mistake taught us that we need to do things together, and that we are responsible to each other. If you are financially cheating, or if you suspect that your partner is, begin that conversation today. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it.