Finding Better Online Support for Second Wives and Stepmoms

Many of you who will read this article might have seen the 1996 movie, The First Wives Club or read the book the movie was based on, written by the late Olivia Goldsmith. I know I did, well before I ever dreamed I'd be a card carrying member of the Second Wives Club. The movie and the book made it look like first wives who get divorced always get shafted in the process because second wives supposedly benefit from their husband's successes in their careers. If you were to fully believe the story related in TheFirst Wives Club, you might think that men who get divorced always marry bimbos or trophy wives, trading their older first wives for flashier models and leaving them to deal with bills, children, and a much lower standard of living.

I read the book TheFirst Wives Club before I saw the movie. I was unmarried at the time and totally unfamiliar with divorce. And like a lot of people who had never been in that situation, I thought the story, especially as it showed the first wives getting revenge on their ex husbands, was clever and funny. But, as I later found out when I actually became a second wife, there's always another side to every story. On November 16th, my husband and I will be celebrating our fourth year of marriage. And despite the fact that I am my husband's second wife and officially the stepmom to his three kids, we're still very happy. But our four years as man and wife have not been without drama stemming from the fact that my husband used to be married to another woman and had children with her. Not long after our wedding, I found myself online looking for a place to discuss the following complicated "step issues" that we've encountered.

Children... his own and the ones we hope to have together

My husband and his ex wife split up after almost ten years of marriage. During that time, my husband raised his ex wife's son from her first marriage as his own. Then, he had two daughters with his ex wife. Because his ex had a tough time with pregnancy, my husband chose to have a vasectomy at age 29. He says he had the operation to spare his ex wife from having to deal with pregnancy again. He thought they were both finished having kids, since they had three. He thought they would stay married. He had no way of knowing that one day, they would both remarry. She's since had two kids. He's had a vasectomy reversal and we're still trying with no luck.

Financial problems

My husband and his ex wife also had significant financial problems including a bankruptcy and a foreclosure on their house. Every month, my husband's ex wife gets a large portion of his paycheck for child support, as well as the tax benefits for having the kids.

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)

On the other hand, my husband hasn't seen his kids in almost two years because his ex wife refuses to let him exercise visitation. My husband allowed his ex wife sole physical and legal custody because he thought it was the right thing to do at the time of the divorce and he thought she'd be fair. He also agreed to a very loose visitation order. Since we live in Virginia and she lives in Arizona, visitation is pretty hard to exercise anyway, even if the ex was willing to allow it. And now, my husband's daughters seem to hate their dad despite his efforts to stay involved in their lives. Over the summer, the girls even asked my husband to let their stepfather adopt them, even though their mother doesn't have a very good track record with marriage. My husband has denied their request. Thankfully, my husband's son is now a legal adult and has reconnected. We'll see him and his girlfriend at Thanksgiving. I've only met my stepchildren once and that was three years ago. If we could afford it and thought it would help, we'd go to court.

Religious differences

My husband and his ex wife joined the LDS Church three years before they divorced. My husband has since left the LDS Church, but his ex wife, her new husband and their kids, and my husband's daughters are still active members. My husband's son has left the faith. I have never been a Mormon. If you don't know anything about Mormonism, you may not realize the effect that it has on families. Without going too much into the religion aspect of our family (that's a whole 'nother article), suffice it to say that it often does cause some problems for us, particularly since not everyone in the family is a believer.

The military

My husband is in the military. Luckily, having grown up a military brat, I was already pretty familiar with the culture, but being a Soldier's wife can still be pretty stressful at times. And because my husband is in the military, his kids still get benefits, even though his ex wife no longer does. My husband may be deploying this spring. I will worry about his safety, not just because he's the love of my life, but also because if, God forbid, he dies, I will have to deal with his ex wife and their kids. I fear it will be quite a mess.

My search for support

The bottom line is that when I married my husband, I married someone with a definite past. My husband's marriage to his first wife is over, but he still has to deal with her because of the kids. And he brought a lot of baggage into our marriage. I brought some of my own, but my baggage is minimal compared to his. When I first got married, I felt alone and overwhelmed by issues with which I had no prior experience. So, one day in 2003, when I was especially frustrated by my new role as a second wife and a stepmom, I searched for a Web site where I could connect with other women in my situation. And by God, I found several places where I could find "online support".

The first site I found was the Second Wives Club. The site looked big and inviting, but it required me to pay quarterly dues. At the time, I was pretty broke. I also didn't want to spend money to be a member of a Web site, especially if I couldn't be sure what it offered. I passed on joining the Second Wives Club.

Next, I found Second Wives Cafe, which promised free online support for second wives and stepmoms. Like the Second Wives Club, the Cafe looked inviting, decorated with a very feminine pink motif complete with a coffee cup logo. The homepage had a couple of helpful articles freely available that the whole world could read without joining. It was also free and open only to women who were stepmoms, second wives, or involved with a previously married man. I decided to apply for membership, comforted by the fact that the Cafe claimed to keep a "Do Not Admit" (DNA) list to keep pesky, troublesome first wives away. Because the site required picture identification in order to join, I sent a copy of my driver's license and my phone number so that the could call and verify my identity. In retrospect, it wasn't very smart to send the driver's license. So far, nothing bad has come of that decision. No one from the Cafe ever called to verify my identity, but I was accepted nonetheless. On the other hand, I know of at least one member who gained entry to the site, despite the fact that she was on the DNA list. She was later kicked off because she was on the list.

At first pink blush...

At first, the Second Wives Cafe had such a welcoming, fun feel to it. There were about forty different forums, each dedicated to different aspects of steplife. There was a forum each for bio moms, custodial stepmoms, and non custodial stepmoms. There was a forum for legal issues, as well as health and medical issues. There was even a place to post celebrity gossip. Every member was designated a different level of angel, based on her number of posts. It seemed like the place was run by down to earth women like me. While profanity was tolerated, it wasn't encouraged; in fact, everyone was encouraged to be nice and "supportive". The site was heavily moderated by members who were chosen because of their "moderate" attitudes. The moderators would not hesitate to edit or delete posts that violated the site's "Terms of Service" (TOS). I would soon learn that support has different meanings to different people, but at first, it seemed like I had found a haven complete with a wealth of information designed for second wives and stepmoms.

Free support?

For my first few weeks as a Cafe member, I really felt like I was getting free support. But I couldn't help but notice that there were lots of solicitations for money. For instance, most message boards I've been a member of have allowed members to choose a picture to use as an avatar. At the Cafe, members are charged for the privilege of using an avatar. However, instead of charging dues outright for site membership, the Cafe's owners offer avatars, mailboxes, and custom titles as perks for members who donate money to the site. It works this way. You donate ten dollars to the Cafe. You get one thousand "goodie points". The Cafe deducts 25 points per week for use of an avatar. When I first joined the site, the point system was not used. Instead, the site charged $1 a month for an avatar. Do the math, and you'll see that by using points and charging by the week, the Cafe actually makes more money. Twelve months at $1 a month equals $12. Fifty-two weeks at 25 cents a week equals $13. Pretty sneaky. And if I had wanted a Cafe mailbox, that would have cost an additional 25 points a week, which translates to another $13 a year. Ditto for other "perks". It doesn't seem like much money, but when I was a member of the Cafe, there were over two thousand members, many of whom did at least pay for an avatar.

I break down and donate

I didn't really care that much about whether or not I had an avatar, so at first, I didn't donate any money. But then, the Cafe held what they call an "adoption drive". They encouraged other members to pay for avatars for people who didn't have them. And so it happened that an anonymous member adopted me by putting $6 (600 goodie points) in my account. I was flattered that someone would do that for me. I felt obligated to reciprocate, so I did. I "adopted" another member and maintained my own avatar. I resisted donating money for other perks, and I never bought anything from the site's Cafepress store. I was also fortunate in that I had a suitable picture to use for an avatar. A lot of other members paid as much as $19 for a custom avatar put together by one of the site's administrators.

What does support really mean?

After I had been a member of the Cafe for a few months, the place started to lose its charm. First of all, it soon became very apparent to me that it's fine for members to bash their ex spouses, their husband's ex spouses, their stepchildren, celebrities, politicians, and other people who are not on the site. However, it's NOT okay for site members to criticize each other under any circumstances, even if another site member admits to doing something wrong. Members are expected to couch their responses in soft language so that nobody's feelings get hurt. As time went on, I noticed that a few very vocal members who would complain LOUDLY and often about their stepchildren would get a lot of responses from the membership. On the other hand, members who weren't quite as vocal would not get so many responses. In fact, toward the end of my time at the Cafe, the less vocal members were actually penalized by being kicked off the site for non participation. The administration claimed they were kicking less active members out because they were afraid their site's security was being compromised.

Members who were offended by what another person wrote often had little recourse. If a member called another member out for writing something hateful, she would be subject to "modding"; that is, a moderator would either edit or delete the response. I wasn't often modded because I learned how to either phrase my responses so that they sounded "supportive" or I simply ignored the post. But the few times I was modded, I was always notified after the fact. Instead of being asked to clarify my intent or edit myself, someone would go in and do it for me. Sometimes, I would write about something that was a legitimate "step issue" for me and my husband - for example, the religious differences between my husband and me and his ex wife and kids. Sometimes I would get modded for that because it's not politically correct to discuss religion, even if I did my best to keep my comments as neutral and non offensive as possible.

Moreover, after I had spent some time on the site, I found that certain members could get away with posting whatever vile thing they wanted to, even if it was about a small child. When other members with less clout expressed an opposing opinion, they soon found themselves being modded for their "attack". Those who have to be modded often generally end up getting kicked off the site. That used to really annoy me, especially when I started to notice that members who seemed to be "voices of reason" were suddenly dropping off the site like flies, leaving the drama queens behind.

Why I finally left...

I started to become truly disgusted by the site about a year before I actually left it. I'm ashamed to admit that I stuck around because I was attracted to the drama. I also genuinely liked some of the ladies I met from the site. I felt I would really miss it if I left. My discontent with the site grew, however, whenever there was a mass exodus of members. Invariably, there would be a post explaining the situation. The explanation always painted the exiting members as the ones at fault and the remaining members would always praise the site's administration for keeping the place "safe". After about a week, the drama would die down and things would sort of get back to normal for awhile... until the next mass exodus.

One day, in an apparent attempt to discredit a former member, the site's administrators posted a link to a spin off "hate" site. Since I was feeling less than contented with the site myself, I clicked on the link, read what the former member had to say about the site, and found that I agreed with her. I ended up joining her site, which was considered a "hate" site by the Second Wives Cafe. I soon found myself kicked off for keeping company with the "enemy". Truth be told, leaving the site was probably the best thing I could have done for myself AND my marriage. I started getting honest to God free support and companionship online from intelligent women who are never afraid to express themselves. And as a result, I don't need support nearly as much as I used to, even though my husband and I are dealing with more step issues than we did when we first got married.

I am a trained public health social worker, having earned master's degrees in both disciplines. Although I don't currently practice my profession, I still remember my training, particularly in social work. And one thing I learned as a budding social worker is that the best support a person can get is support that ultimately leads to independence. Think of it this way... when you see a mental health professional for help with a problem, you hope that one day, you won't need that help anymore. Well, what I saw going on at the Second Wives Cafe is that people often weren't getting the type of support that led them to independence. Instead, they were usually getting "support" that kept them coming back for more help. In a way, it's a win/win situation. The member doesn't have to evolve, be "wrong", or move beyond their comfort zone. The site owners get to keep getting "donations" to keep their little piece of the web alive. But ultimately, it's also a losing proposition, because the member stays dependent on that site for "support". Instead of turning to their families, their husbands, or their significant others, the members turn to each other, patting each other on the back instead of offering insight and perspective. And they never get anywhere.

It's not my intention to bash the Second Wives Cafe. Ultimately, it was an environment that didn't work well for me. It might be just fine for other people. My purpose for writing this article is to get my readers who need help dealing with steplife and find themselves looking online for support to think about the kind of support they are really seeking. Do you want the kind of support that leads to independence and growth? Or are you just looking for a pat on the back and a place to vent? I wish I had considered those questions before I sought online support for my step issues.