Finding Free Time when Caring for a Parent with Alzheimer's

In 2001, my husband and I chose to rent out our home and move in with my parents in order to spare them from having to give up their home and familiar surroundings. My father had not been in good health for a number of years and each time he was hospitalized (about every 2 years), I would take family leave from my full time employment and take care of my mother and then take care of my father on his return from the hospital. His last heart attack was in June 2003 and he was never conscious after that time.

Three days after his heart attack my mother had a stroke. My father had begun to worry about my mother before his death because she was beginning to have significant short-term memory problems. He was greatly relieved when we moved in with them. That gave him the peace of mind that my mother would be taken care of. My father died on July 9, 2003 and after my mother's stroke and diagnosis with dementia (with the probability of Alzheimer's), I knew I had to make the decision to take early retirement. Since that day, we have never left Mom alone. She has many other health problems and I monitor her blood pressure several times a day and adjust her medication accordingly. She has no concept of which medications she takes and cannot remember if she took medication or when she last ate. I am grateful that at this point Mom still knows her family and is able to interact on a limited basis, but her care still requires a great part of my time and energy. Answering a number of questions at least ten times a day is common and re-enforces the boredom and sameness that one feels when every day is spent inside four walls for at least 6 days at a time.

Compassionately caring for someone with any type of dementia requires being able to picture yourself with his or her mental abilities. If they are still in the stage of being aware that they have the disease, you must be able to feel and empathize with the emotional impact it has on them. Besides the apparent reasons for this being an emotionally draining experience, it is also depressing because you are confronted constantly with the fact that since you have a parent who has this disease, you yourself are more likely to suffer the same fate. The depression is likely to overwhelm you if you do not have a strong support system. You must manage to carve out time for yourself to do the things that make you feel happy and alive. Young grandchildren are a tremendous blessing and enormously therapeutic. I try to enjoy them as much as possible. They bring laughter and joy and create the most welcome diversion imaginable. I also try to make sure that I can spend part of every day doing something that is creative. For me, that is cross-stitch and writing. Another time that gives me great pleasure and a sense of having time for myself are the late hours of the night, when my husband is asleep by my side and I am immersed in whatever great book I am currently reading. It is also crucial to me to have faith in God, The One who is in control of all things. At the end of the day, I can take a deep breath and turn all of my cares over to Someone who knows the future and will work all things together for my good. I am very blessed to have a husband who agreed to make these changes in our life. He continues to make many sacrifices so that I can provide this care for my mother. I also am blessed to have a brother who faithful to come once a week, usually on Sunday, and allow me to go out with my husband.

I know there may come a time when I can no longer continue to provide this care for my mother. I have promised my husband and myself that if my mother's care starts to affect my health or the health/well-being of my husband, I will make other arrangements. I would never criticize someone else's decision to make that choice. Whatever the choice, I believe we should care for our parents the best way we can. They gave us life and cared for us when we were unable to care for ourselves. They should receive no less from us. If you want to read a poem I recently published expressing my feeling about this subject, please see my previous article entitled The Lady.

September 21, 2007 is World Alzheimer's Day. The Harrah's Foundation is matching dollar for dollar donated, up to a million dollars. You can learn more about how to donate at http/://www.actionalz.org or visit the National Alzheimer's Association site at http://www.alz.org/index.asp. to learn more about the disease and find support.