Finding Fulfullment as a Stay-At-Home Wife
I'd Always Measured My Success and Identity by My Paycheck
A home-based business seemed most feasible to start and I tried many ideas before I found what worked for me. My vision was big and I wanted to in the future open some sort of retail shop. I tried my hand at personalized books, resume writing, clowning and jewelry sales. For the last seven years I've owned a custom bra fitting service, and about two years ago I found my niche in graphic and web design. My repertoire also includes freelance writing and teaching community education classes. Ten years into it I am so happy and content with staying/working from home; however, I am sorry to say that early on this was not the case. It has been a journey to finding fulfillment as a stay-at-home wife.
While a student at Wilberforce University, my husband and I made plans to marry and we'd ride into Dayton, Ohio and look at houses and plan our life together. In retrospect, all of our planning focused upon monetary and career success. We focused very little upon inner peace, spirituality and family. These things (monetary and career success) remained our priority for many years and through them we measured and identified ourselves.
Initially, I worked part-time as a substitute teacher while building my business. It wasn't long before my husband noticed a difference in the times that I taught, and the times I didn't. He had become accustomed to me ironing his shirts, cleaning and organizing the house, and preparing meals. But during the weeks I'd teach, these things would suffer. Soon he told me he'd prefer that I stop teaching and work solely from home - operating the business and managing the home.
Now I was always supportive of stay-at-home moms and/or work-at-home moms. I so respected these moms for dedicating themselves to motherhood, but I was not yet a mother. Just stay at home I thought? For many years I'd be back and forth, wanting to honor my husband's desires but struggling with my own self-esteem and security. Working from home was not providing the personal income that I desired, and most of us know that for most people it never will. My dreams I thought were slipping away and I felt less and less value as a person. I watched as sorority sisters and college mates climbed the "career ladder", went on to graduate or law school and fulfilled their college dreams. They were buying new homes, driving luxury vehicles and I knew we could afford these things also if I worked or pursued a full-time business. For quite a while I struggled within myself - it was a constant battle.
What changed you ask? How did I find happiness and contentment in staying at home? Well for starters, I stopped comparing myself to others. Each family must determine what works for them. There is no "magic formula" for happiness. For us, my staying at home and having a part-time home-based business is best. My husband is a City Administrator and his job is quite demanding. I now realize that my being at home takes a lot of pressure off of him and brings him a lot of satisfaction. When I let go of my selfishness, I began to enjoy and find satisfaction in caring for him and our home. I now pour myself into my work as a homemaker as much, or even more than my business endeavors.
When I dedicated myself to being a homemaker, I began to examine our health and our eating habits. I changed our diet drastically and researched vitamin/mineral supplements. My husband and I now have so much more energy and we get sick less. This week I even discovered that I can fit into my pants that were in the back of my closet the last four years because I couldn't fit them. I've also stopped cleaning the house with harsh chemicals and have even begun to make my own potpourri, body fragrances and linen sprays. I take such pride when people say, "oh your home smells so good, I wouldn't have guessed that you have a dog".
Last week my husband forwarded an e-mail to me. It was a career study that reported a salary figure of $131,471 for stay-at-home moms including overtime. This was no news to my husband and me. We'd already crunched the numbers. Since I'd been at home we've stopped paying for dry cleaning (I steam clean my husbands suits and press his shirts myself), and we have cut our restaurant visits in half. I also now have time to regularly review our spending and to shop around for deals instead of paying full price. Because we only have to be concerned about my husband getting time off, we take vacations off-season. For example, our last vacation was to a posh spa in Wisconsin. Room rates are at least $200 per night. Because of smart shopping and flexibility, we were able to get a room for $129 per night. As I write this I'm at a conference with my husband in northern Michigan. We will often times create a vacation around business travel something we'd be unable to do if I worked for someone else, or even if my business were full time. Our biggest savings however has been on my wardrobe, something I hadn't in the past considered. In higher education, the dress code for women was business suits or career dresses. Simply put, my wardrobe was not cheap. I now report to work in my pajamas, sweats, jeans or casual wear when I meet with clients.
What I've been blessed to realize is that monetary/superficial things mean very little in the big scheme of things. I have become perfectly content driving a quite old, but nice Mercedes Benz and living in a neighborhood in the inner city. We purchased a huge historical home and restored it. It is perfect for a home office. I no longer have any interest in opening a retail establishment. I make enough money to do the extra things I want to do, while investing in my retirement, and that's enough for me. Simply put, it's a sweet arrangement.
In a world where success is measured by your paycheck, and things such as health, peace, happiness, contentment and sanity are so underrated, it is very difficult for homemakers, and the like to find value in what they do. I guess the key is to design your own measuring stick. This way you're sure to measure up. I did and I couldn't be happier.
Published by Dee Dee Smith
In addition to writing for Associated Content, Dee Dee (Ford) Smith writes quality web content at Suite101, EHow and various business websites. She has also held contracts with golf, sports memorabilia, heal... View profile
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22 Comments
Post a CommentThank you so much for this article. It gave me a lot of encouragement. I don't yet have kids and am working full time but my husband and I have made it our goal for me to get to stay home whether or not we have kids. I know it will make our marriage a much happier one and give me the opportunity to use my talents as a woman.
I am the husband in this situation. My wife got tangled in the corporate mess, and now that takes precedence over our entire lives. She works late, brings work home, and comes home stressed. There was a 6 month period when we first got married in which she didn't work, and it was heaven. We were a true team, relying on each other heavily. I needed her to help with everything in life that isn't financial, and she counted on me to keep the finances afloat. Society is so sad now that paychecks define who we are. Since she started working, her views have changed and she has become more callous- one of those mean corporate women that tend to yell at their co-workers. She used to be so nice too. And the kicker is that she makes so little money compared to my salary, she is ruining the marriage for no reason. Now she wants kids but wants them in full-time daycare. Her salary doesn't even cover daycare. Makes no sense. Why are careers more important than children? Why are physical things (the
I am so happy to read this article, and to read the comments of others in this situation. I feel really awful when people ask me.."so what do you do all day?" NOt yet brave enough to retort with "I sit around and eat bon-bons all day!", I usually find myself justifying my situation. I shop, cook, clean, volunteer, care for elderly parents, visit with friends, etc. I have met a few other women in this position recently as well, so ladies, we are not alone! Take heart! It is very hard in this society of ours to be a stay-at-home wife with no kids, but there are so many other ways that we contribute and make lives meaningful for ourselves and others.
....getting promoted than in human relations and family.
Call me traditional I guess, but what works for me and my husband is the more old-fashioned roles. He's the breadwinner and protects and takes care of me in that sense. I'm the homemaker and nurture and care for him and house and home.
Sometimes people judge me. They think I'm lazy or have no drive or motivation. I doubt anything I could say would change their mind, so I just ignore them. As long as me and my husband are happy, who cares what the rest of the world thinks.
For all of you out there like me... who are in the same situation, and it works for you and your husband, I say, "more power to you!"
Thanks so much for this article. I'm 25 and have been a stay-at-home wife for almost a year now. We want to have children at some point, but not yet.
I'm glad to see that there are other women out there in this same situation. It can be hard. Society has an expectation- almost reverse of what it used to be. "Women are supposed to work, earn their keep, and move up the corporate ladder." I bought into that, thought that's what I wanted, but after being in the corporate world for almost 2 years... I discovered I hated it.
All those dreams in my head- of getting married, and having wonderful home-cooked meals, and a beautiful house and garden. Baking cookies for my neighbors. Those had been my dreams for years. How foolish of me to think that's what I would get by becoming a corporate girl.
All I found in the corporate world was missed time with my husband, stress, eating out and drinking, going to bars, and having coworkers who were more obsessed with getting promoted than in hu
I'll be a stay at home wife (no kids, 32 yo) in under 2 weeks. After having a very succesful career life, I'm looking foward to some R&R but it will be strange. I have lots of projects I want to do but I'm sure it will be hard at times. My game plan: I won't compare myself to anyone...it's never what it seems so don't bother. You only know your own happiness.
I recently quit my job and have decided with my husband that I should be a stay at home wife. We make enough money right now that we are not worried about our bills, and we can even put some moeny away for the future. The only proeblm many of my peers see with this is that I am 20 years old, we just got married and they think that I am wasting my life. I quit my job for medical reasons, as well as the fact that the job was bringing me a lot of stress and not worth the paycheck. I am hoping to return to work one day, but not soon. My husband has been very encouraging. I have now had the time to get to know a mom who I never knew becasue she was a work a holic who reacently lost her job. I have had time to do creative things like make really pretty birthday presents. I get to cook, my husband LOVES this fact. I get new recipies off the internet all the time now and try them on him. He comes home and cant wait to see whats on the stove, he even tells his coworkers and his famiely how much
I have been married for twelve years and I am a childless stay-at-home wife. It works for my husband and me, but it may be totally wrong for another couple. Interestingly enough, the people who seem to criticize my choice the most are overworked single moms and single men! Married women who have careers wonder what I do all day long, insist that they'd be bored out of their minds, and that they'd never put up with depending on some man. I think it's important to remember that it is up to each person to decide how to live their lives, and there is not a one size fits all way to live. I am happy with my choice and I have a good marriage. We would have more money if I worked, but I doubt we'd have the time for each other like we do now. Money isn't everything.
At least you work. I am a teacher, and the summers are hell with nothing to do. I could never be a stay at home wife, it would be depressing.
I've been a stay at home wife for about a year and a half mostly because tax wise we would owe more if I worked. My husband works for a major technology company and owns his own Internet security firm. So he brings home more than enough money to survive on. Explaining that to people is difficult, but I love staying home. I have also took the proper precaution after making this choice. I have made sure that we have life insurance on my husband incase he passes and I have my own savings account for my protection. If you are interested in taking the leap to staying at home make sure you plan for the worst case senerio.