Finding the Right Words to Say on Mother's Day

It's that time of year again. The one day where people across the country are manipulated by greeting card giants to profess undying, unconditional, obligatory love for mothers all over the land. And good thing they do! How else would the most thankless, draining, life consuming role/occupation in the history of humankind be recognized?? Don't get me wrong, the idea of Mother's Day itself is certainly not a bad one. Showing gratitude and appreciation for the people in our lives, who birthed, shaped, cared, nurtured and taught us right from wrong should be an enjoyable and frequent practice for all of us! But what do you do if you are like many of us whose mothers were not the Donna Reed, Mrs. Cleaver, Carol Brady, Claire Huxtable, kind of moms? What do you say or what gift do you give to the moms that just plain hurt some of us through their poor decisions, lack of skills, and overburdened lives? Sometimes, finding the right words to say to our mothers on Mother's Day can be one of the most difficult and painful experiences for people who have less than perfect relationships with their moms, or less than perfect moms! I remember countless situations, where I'd flip through card after card to find sentiments like..."Mom, you were always there for me..." "Mom, where would I be without you..." "Mom, you are the wind beneath my wings," "Mother, you are the greatest person on the face of the earth and I worship the ground you walk on and if I ever become half the person you are I still won't be worthy to sit in your presence..." -you get the picture. It always seemed like Mother's Day cards were a great reminder of what my mother was not! I always hoped to find a greeting card that said, "Mom, even though your erratic behavior over the years is likely the source of my abandonment issues and low self esteem, I still love you and hope you have a great day," but I never found a card that said that. Despite the fact that I do love my mother very much, I could never find a card that expressed the journey of our relationship, the ups and downs, the struggles we overcame together, and the healing that has yet to take place. If I opted for one of the flowery "I worship you Mom" cards, not only would it be insincere on my part, but I feared it would be insulting to my mother who knew that such was not the case. Over the years I've had to be very intentional about looking at the positive things about my mom and our relationship and I have enjoyed finding creative, sincere ways to express those things to her. As a result I think it is fair to say that I am an expert in the art of finding the right words to say on that special card for Mother's Day. Here are some suggestions:

The Card

Peruse through the pre-written cards first and have an idea of what genre you are looking for keeping the following in mind;

Humorous: Nothing says "I love my crazy mom" better than a funny card. And what better way to break the ice of relational tension and dysfunctional family systems than to laugh about it? A humorous card may also relieve you of the pressure to get sappy when you really don't feel that sappy is all that honest.
Sentimental: Pick the sentimental option if you feel like you really want your mother to know that no matter what, you appreciate her, you love her, and you want her to feel special on Mother's Day. Go this route if you are willing to go the extra mile in finding a card that speaks to who you and your mother are.
Subversive: If your mom has a good sense of humor, but is somewhat of a realist concerning the rocky roads you have traveled, this choice may be the one for you. A card that reads, "Mom, even though you think I am crazy, just remember... the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...but I love you anyway!"
Ambiguously Pleasant: This is personally my least favorite, but for the sake of fairness I'll include it. Some people prefer a message that is very general, and to the point. A card with a sparkly flower that reads "Dear Mother," on the outside, and "Happy Mother's Day" on the inside. This card indeed fulfills your social obligation to spread well wishes, and may prevent a family feud, so I validate its importance, and encourage it if it simplifies your life. Sometimes it's just easier to do what is easiest!
Blank: This can be a bold move, but it can also be a great opportunity to speak from the heart. This is a good option when NOTHING you find has a message that speaks to the realities of your relationship.

What to Write

From what I have noticed, many card companies are hip to the postmodern family reality and do in fact create cards that may be more suitable for less traditional family dynamics.

Don't pick a card that contains a message that you blatantly do not agree with. Ex: If your mom left when you were six to join the circus and reappeared 20 years later because now she really wants to get to know you, don't get a card that says, "Mom, you were always there for me..." That has the potential to sound downright cruel to the free spirited woman who gave you life, so try to avoid it (unless of course you are trying to even the score, which I don't recommend.)

If you find a pre-written card that totally clicks with you but you want to write something personable inside too, my solution is the trusty "past, present, future" secret. Think of one thing positive about your mom from the past, something positive you notice about her (or your relationship with her today), and something you hope for in the future. Ex: Dear Mom, I am so thankful for the times you've given me [words of wisdom over the years, even though I didn't always take it to hear when I should have]. I am so happy that you and I

If you find a pre-written-written Mother's Day card that really feels like a good fit and you just don't know what else to say inside, it's okay to just write "Love, [your name]" and that's it. Keep it simple. You can't go wrong with that option.

Now what if NO pre-written-written card works? Don't fret! The amount and quality of blank cards these days should bring comfort to all of us who can't find pre-written cards that meet our needs!

Find an image of something your mom likes. Flowers, stars, landscapes, famous art, etc. If your mom has no interests (which probably means you don't know her very well) pick a card with an image that might be encouraging, strengthening, or peaceful.

Write a message on the inside and consider the "past, present, future" guide mentioned above.

Finding famous quotes, or verses from your particular faith text, also works wonderfully here too. Just Google "famous quotes" or "quotes by women" etc, and pick something that fits your mom. My favorite women to quote in cards are, Helen Keller, Maya Angelou, Frida Kahlo, Mother Theresa, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Sojourner Truth. I have relied on the words and life experiences of these fine women to speak words of strength, encouragement, and life to both my mother and me! Why stress yourself out trying to find the right words to say when great thinkers, poets, and saints have already done the work???

Last but certainly not least there are a few words that no matter what the situation, never go out of style, and never seem to be refuted.. Plain, simple, tried and true, are these four words, "Mom, I love you."

The realist in me who is sympathetic to those with complicated family situations, knows however that there are some who sincerely and validly cannot say "I love you" to your mom and mean it. To you, I say, free yourself from the pressure to tell a person how great they never were just because she gave birth to you. Instead, focus on those who have given you life in more ways than just biological. Re-frame your ideas of who deserves the title "Mother" and find a card for her or him that expresses your gratitude and appreciation. Make sure you do a little soul searching before you finalize that conclusion however. Is mom truly undeserving of your gratitude, or could you benefit from learning more about your mother, and the circumstances that shaped her decisions, and parenting methods? Whatever the case, I thank you for reading my words. I believe your time is an indication that you are a caring person who wants May 11^th, 2008 to be something special. May you find the right words to say or not say this Mother's Day!