Finding a Sperm Donor

So here I am, 41 and three quarters (Hey, the 3/4 matters, ok?) And I've just made a big fat decision. I'm going to become a single Mother. There, I said it, it's out there, can't take that back, you heard me! This is huge, and I wanted to share the experience with you.

First things first, how did I even GET to this decision? When I was around 31 or 32, I remember saying to myself, that if by the time I was 34 and I was not dating someone I thought might lead to marriage and children, then I would have a child on my own. Uhm ok, so that was 10 years ago. I got a little side tracked since then, and like lightening speed, my life has fast forwarded.

I have always wanted to be a Mom, and my biological clock was ticking loudly, in fact, it sounded more like a car alarm sounding on the street corner at 3am. I have been through my share of men, but nothing ever seemed to pan out. I'm not typically picky, in fact, I have dated all types of boys. Ones with jobs, without jobs, creative jobs, money jobs, tall boys, short boys, serious boys, stand up comedian boys, with children, without children, religious boys, and Athiests. Short, tall, with hair, without hair, you get the idea. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and over all, I think I'm a pretty easy chick, I'm not demanding or nudgy and while I do have a little baggage (a cute little floral cotton carry-on) I like to think that I don't possess the typical "Single NYC girl Neurotic tendencies" Hey, don't judge me, you KNOW the type!

So here was my crossroads. Do I renew my Match.com subscription for another 3 months and hope I meet someone perfect for me who wants to get married and start making babies within the first 4 months (Hey, it could happen) or take myself off-line and move on with my life and fulfill something I have wanted for as long as I can remember? Let me clarify something for just a second, while I have never been a rush rush kind of girl, I HAD to rush to make this decision. My Father has been battling cancer for many years and we got news that it had progressed to a point where an experimental treatment was basically his only window. In my mind I thought "I have to do this NOW. I want him to know I'm going to be a Mom. I cannot drag my heals any more, I need to do this to give him something to look forward to" There it was. That was my deciding factor. I was going to do this!

Now what? HOW do I do this? I mean, I wasn't even dating anyone! Do I go out with someone on a few dates and "accidentally" knock myself up? That's just so not my style, and as a friend of mine said "With your luck, you'd end up getting a decease and no baby!" Point taken. So do I go the donor route? Is THAT any more my style? Well, no, but I didn't really see any other way. While I was getting a bit stressed over all the factors that go into donor conception, (What do I tell people at work, what about the "Who is my Daddy" question, What would my family say? What about when my child does something so uncharacteristic of me, would I always wonder where did THAT come from?) Ok, so I was stressing a bit, that's normal right? I had to come up with a plan. I've always liked plans, I'm a planner by nature, plans make me feel comfortable! I would start to research, I would read up on the subject, I would talk to others that had gone this route, and I would make a plan.

I started reading as much as I could. I bought books, I read articles on-line, I read blogs and joined in on some chat groups. It was comforting to realize that there was a whole other world out there, of women just like me who were moving forward with their dream of having a baby. Each of us had the same story. Time just got away somehow, each had dated and had serious boyfriends but I guess we weren't willing to have a child with someone we knew wasn't THE guy! In a way, I started to fee a bit empowered. I was going to take charge of my life, and not wait around hoping that eventually, something would happen.

Step one, get myself to my OB/GYN and get "cleared for take off" Step two, find a Fertility Dr (This was easy, since step one, my GYN, referred me to step two, said Fertility Dr) Step 3, find a sperm bank, step 4, select a donor, step 5, wait, let's go back to step 3 and 4 shall we? Those steps weren't as easy as I thought. I was overwhelmed with the number of sperm banks there are in the US alone. How would I choose? Do I choose one that was in my city? Do I find out in another state and have them ship my Baby Daddy to me? This all seemed a bit confusing. I wished I had someone to talk to who had gone through all of this. As luck would have it, a friend of mine put me in contact with a friend of hers who had just given birth to a daughter conceived through anonymous sperm donation! We had a great conversation, she was in total bliss with her new baby and walked me through the entire process (It was kind of a long phone call!!) She referred me to the cryo bank that she used, and I took my first peak at their website that evening. I thought, "oh this should be easy, it felt like I'd been online dating since it's creation, so I knew all of the nuances, I knew how to scroll and click, this can't be any harder to looking for a boyfriend right? Uuhh, wrong.

The actual search wasn't the hard part, it was the heaviness of the decision that was getting to me. I was "shopping" for the Father of my future child, very very surreal indeed. There were so many options to choose from; heritage, religion, hair color, SAT scores, athletic ability, musical prowess, their parents health history, their parent's parent's health history, artistic inclinations, big ears, small nose, oval face, low voice high voice, favorite color. Favorite COLOR?? Why would I care about that? This place was thorough, you could say that! How on Earth would I be able to make this decision when it took me 3 months to decide on what type of mattress to buy? Best way to deal, was to just narrow it down to 4. I decided to look for spem the same way I looked for a boyfriend. Is he funny, is he cute, is he smart and caring? I had my final 4 and decided to purchase each of their long profiles which included their childhood photos, plus an audio taped interview. Candidate #1 was so boring I think I may have fallen asleep listening to his audio tape. Candidate #2 mentioned drinking and partying a few too many times to feel comfortable with. Candidate #3 seemed bit tightly wound. When the interviewer asked him one word to describe himself his answer "Complicated..very..very..complicated" scared me off just a tad. Candidate #4 sounded sweet. A little nervous to be taped, but just a normal kind of guy. I liked him. Then I saw his childhood photo and it sealed the deal, I had a gut feeling about him, a good one!

After approximately 453 phone calls to my Doctor, and the cryo bank, 876 forms to fill out, get notorized, send, fax, email (everything but carrier pigeon) 27 credit card transaction and 74 different types of blood tests, sonograms, xrays and screening tests, all of which had to be timed to my cycle, I was on my way! Looking back on it, getting the kid into college would be a breeze compared to this! No matter, I was getting closer to the end goal, a baby!

Next: Insemination..finally!