Finding Teachable Moments in Tantrums

We've all heard the saying "happiness is a choice" but I never really grasped that concept until my three-year-old daughter had a tantrum at the bookstore. We were there for story time, and afterwards she wanted to play at the train table that's set up in the children's area. There's a favorite pink train she likes to play with, but there's only one so I said to her, "If the pink train isn't there, or if someone else is playing with it, you'll have to choose another train, okay?" She replied, "Okay, mommy". Motherhood should be that simple.

Sure enough, the pink train was MIA and she immediately started crying. No amount of comforting, parenting, or offers of other trains would distract her. I handed her an orange one, her second favorite color, and she just stood there, head hung low, arms at her sides.

I let her have her moment-after all, she's only three--and then told her she had five minutes to make a choice to either stand there and mope over the lost train or to play with the other kids and have fun. She chose to just stand there--and I could sense a tantrum brewing.

After five minutes had passed I told her it was time to go. She had a tantrum all the way to the front of the store, yelling, "I am NEVER coming to story time again if they don't have pink trains!" Fortunately we're regulars, and the employees (as well as the other customers) found her tantrum comical, and their lightness really shifted the situation for me. Usually a temper tantrum would make me feel like a parenting failure, even though she rarely has them in public.

She continued moping about the train for a good half hour. I tried every parenting trick known to motherhood: talking to her, letting her sit with her feelings, and a snack (as much as I hate to admit that). Finally, I tried explaining to her again about choosing to be sad over something she can't do anything about, or choosing another option that would bring her some happiness.

And then it hit me...choosing happiness really is an option. Sure, there are times I let myself wallow in sadness-we all do--but this teachable moment will always resonate somewhere inside of me as one of motherhood's greatest lessons. And hopefully it's a lesson my daughter will grow to understand as she gets older.