Finding the Way

The first thing that caught Gladys eyes were her eight year old twin boys, Kevin and Keith, playing in the garage. Mommy! Mommy! The boys yelled, happily, as their mother parked her car in front of the open garage. After the car had come to a complete stop the boys got up and ran to the automobile to greet their mom. Gladys taught them never to walk or run up to a moving vehicle.

'Guess what mom?" Keith began as Gladys was getting out of automobile.

Keith was all smiles and so excited, Gladys knew it was good news.

"Well, why don't you tell me?"

"We both made the baseball team!"

"Wow! That's great. Congratulations. I knew you could do it."

Gladys and the boys entered the living room and there were 12 year old Jack and 13 year old Ryan and the large German Sheppard dog running around the living room and jumping from the sofa to love seat.

"What's going on in here? Why is the dog inside the house?

Ryan grabbed the dog by the collar it was wearing around the neck.

"Got you!" He said to the dog

"The dog ran in when we opened the door. We were trying to catch him to let him out" Jack stated.

"I could have sworn that you were having a good time playing with the dog. Get that dog out of the house."

"Come on boy." Ryan said to the dog as he led the pet outside Jack followed his brother.

"Boys, where is your dad? He is supposed to be watching you kids until I got home from work."

"Daddy had to go to work early," Kevin answered as he ran to the kitchen. "Can I have ice cream?"

"Can I have some, too?" Kevin asked

"May I have some?" Gladys corrected him.

"You want some, too?" Kevin yelled from the kitchen

Gladys shock her head, "No."

Ten o'clock that night Gladys was sitting on the sofa reading a book. Sixteen year old, Paul, wearing shirt and tie came in the front door.
"Hi, Mom"

"Paul! Hello, how was your day at work?"

"Very busy, but, that was good, the time went by fast."

Paul sat on the love seat and chatted with his mom. They talked mostly about his job, at the Department Store. Gladys preferred it if Paul didn't work until after he graduated high school. However, she gave in and let him take an after school job after he promised to keep his school grades up. He kept his promise. Glades let him keep his part time job.

Gladys has always felt guilty about working and spending so much time away from the five boys. She tries to make up for it in other ways. The children always had bicycles,

skate boards, and too many toys. The four younger boys were involved in sports and karate. Gladys tried to keep the boys interested in sports and other activities. One summer, Ryan and Jack played football at the recreation center for the entire season. However, their real interest was baseball. Paul wasn't interested in sports. He did his on thing. He always found something constructive to do with his time. Paul loved music. When Gladys found out that he had an interest in the guitar; she took him shopping to pick out the guitar of his choice. It was a good investment. He practices faithfully.

Gladys was so proud of her boys. However, there was always the fear that the dysfunctional home they were living in would sooner or later affect their lives. She knew that she made so many mistakes. She was gone ten hours a day, five days a week, at work. She just wasn't giving them the quality time they needed from their mother. They couldn't help not being affected by the bad marriage between Gladys and their father, Robert; and the long hours Gladys spent away from home at work.

Gladys marriage was beyond repair. She and her husband, Robert very seldom saw each others. They worked different shifts. It was planned that way so one of them would always be at home with the children. This plan wasn't working out. Robert was not staying at home with the children when Gladys was at work. He was out with his friends, living his life, as he often put it. Gladys knew there was another woman involved in Roberts's life. She kept telling herself that she didn't want to end the marriage, because the children needed both parents. The sad thing was that the children didn't have both parents. Robert spent very little time at home. When he was around he and Gladys were usually engaged in bitter arguments. Gladys thought she was still in love with Robert; and that her marriage was worth saving. However, what she felt was not love. She felt loneliness. She held on to this bad marriage because she didn't want to be alone with five children. She just didn't get it. She was already alone. Robert was never there for her or the children.

Gladys decided to sign the four younger boys up at the neighborhood boys club; which had extended recreational programs. These recreational programs cost, however, it was worth it. She didn't have to worry about whether or not Robert was with the children while she was working. She knew the boys were safe until she picked them up after work.

Gladys came home from work one day to find Ryan in his room, very quiet and upset. "What's the matter, Ryan?" Gladys teased, trying to cheer him up "Girl trouble?"

Ryan hesitated, and then he spoke in a quiet voice. "Why is he trying to hurt us mom?" Why is dad always trying to hurt us?"
"What happened?"

"My friend and I came out of the store today. Dad and that woman were sitting in his parked car right outside." He didn't even care that we saw him. He looked right at me and he didn't even care. It hurts seeing my dad with my friend's mom."

"Ryan, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you had to go through that. You didn't deserve it." Gladys was at a lost for words.
"Mom, why is he doing this to us?"

"I don't know why your dad chooses to disrespect his family. I promise I will do something about it. You children don't deserve this kind of treatment. You don't deserve to be hurt this way"

"Mom, I wish things were like they used to be. I wish we were a family again."

"So, do I, Ryan," Gladys paused, "things will get better. I promise." Gladys spoke softly, "I can't promise that your dad will stop seeing this woman. I can promise that I will get you boys far away from this mess and I'll do all that I can to make you happy."
"You mean, out of this neighborhood?'
"Yes, out of this neighborhood," Gladys answered "Round up your brothers, we're going out to dinner."

Gladys found out, from the boys, that this wasn't the first time Robert let the children see him with this woman. She, also, found out that it was also affecting Joey, the other woman's son. The neighborhood children would say to him, "I saw your mom with Ryan's dad." They would call Joey's mom names, especially if they got into an argument with him. The children should not have to pay for two grown people's choice of life; Gladys said to herself. Gladys knew she had to do something to protect her children from this.

The next day, Gladys sat on the sofa in the living room, waiting for Robert to get out of the shower. Earlier that day, she called Robert's job and told him that they needed to talk. Gladys didn't know how she could get Robert to sit down and have a civil conversation with her. She had to give it a try.

Finally, Robert emerged from the bathroom. He was fully dressed; hair combed, and even had on his shoes and socks. He glanced at Gladys.
"Robert," Gladys began, "we really need to talk".

Gladys could see how irritated Robert was. However, she held her grounds.

"We need to talk now, Robert."

"Can't we do this later?"

"No, we can't." Gladys began, "Too many people are being hurt by your actions."

"Here we go again." Robert said angrily "The only one who's getting hurt by my actions is you."

"What about your children?" Robert "What about her son?"

Robert sat down on the love seat across from Gladys. He began by telling Gladys that his children were fine. His children had no problems with him. He told Gladys that everybody was happy except for Gladys. He made it clear that he was not responsible for Gladys happiness. Robert felt that just because he was married; it didn't mean he had to stop living his life. He said that Gladys was only angry because he was happy; and he wanted her to stop nagging him. Robert knew how to push Gladys buttons. He knew how to turn every conversation into an argument just so he could hurry up and get out of the house.

Gladys was determined not to let it happen this time. She couldn't control Robert; however she could try to control her own temper. Gladys tried to keep her cool and be firm at the same time. Gladys told Robert that he had to be blind if he couldn't see the effect his action had on the children. Not only was Robert not being a father to the boys; he didn't seem to care if his actions hurt them, as long as he was happy. Robert was being very selfish; he was thinking of himself only. He needed to realize that what he does affects and hurts a lot of people. Gladys told Robert exactly what she thought and she let him know that she didn't appreciate him and his woman parking where the children could see them. She demanded that he should show more respect for his children. Robert tried to change the conversation around to make it look as if Gladys was just looking for the chance to nag at him. Robert insisted this had nothing to do with the children. He told Gladys it was all about what she wanted. Gladys admitted she wanted and deserved respect. She worked hard every day. She helped pay the bills. She was raising five children without any help from Robert. Darn right she deserved respect. She didn't let him get away with that remark, not this time. This was not all about what she wanted. This was about Robert not showing respect for the family. This was about how much Robert was hurting the children. How could he not see that his actions were affecting the boys?

Gladys knew that she was partly to blame by putting up with Robert's actions; and keeping her children in this mess; mainly because she made up her mind years before she even had children; that her children would be brought up by both parents, no matter what. Gladys parents separated when she was very young. Gladys grew up without a father in the house. She promised herself that her children would grow up with both parents. Gladys thought she could make it happen. Now she knows that it takes two. She can only promise the boys a mother, not a father. Robert always says he has a life to live. If his live didn't include Gladys and the children; the marriage was not worth saving. If the marriage is dysfunctional the children are probably better off with one parent in the home.

Gladys could clearly see that Robert didn't want to be with her and the children. If Robert wants out, this is the perfect time to give him what he wants. Naturally, the children will be hurt by a divorce. However, they are probably being hurt more by living this way. There is no love left between Gladys and Robert. If Robert ever felt any kind of love for Gladys; it has been long lost. Gladys knew it would be for the best if she and Robert got a divorce.

"Robert, let's talk about us?" Gladys said

"Us?" Robert replied "there are no us. There is a you and there is a me. There are no us. You have your life and I have mine"

"I am your wife." Gladys reminded him.

"My wife?" Marriage is just a contract." Robert was serious "That piece of paper between us is only a contract. It's just a piece of paper. You know Gladys; there could be someone else out there that I love and care for more than I could ever care for you. Maybe, I could never feel for you what I feel for that woman as you put it."

Now that hurt! Those words cut like a knife! Even though Gladys knew this was exactly the way Robert felt about her, it hurt. Maybe it was Robert's choice of words or the tone of his voice; Gladys was not prepared for this. That was cruel! It took all of her strength to try not to let her feelings show and to hold back the tears. However, no matter how cruel Robert put it. He was being truthful. He was telling Gladys how he really felt. It was up to Gladys to decide what she wanted to do about it.

Gladys and Robert made eye contact. Robert wasn't sorry for what he said; he meant every word. Even though Gladys was deeply hurt; she appreciated him telling her how he felt.

Gladys was calm,"Maybe this is a perfect time for us to discuss a divorce."

Now it was Robert who was caught off guard. He expected tears. He expected Gladys to be angry, to start an argument. He didn't expect this calm, strong woman that sat across from him. Gladys was too calm and too serious.

Robert looked away from Gladys and said, "Maybe, do what you want. Well, I've got to go. I'm late. We can talk about that later."
Robert got up and walked out off the front door.

Gladys opened the door to the closet that was near the front door. She pulled a black briefcase from the shelf. This is the case she kept all of her important papers in. She placed the case on the kitchen table and unzipped it. She reached into the case and pulled out the diamond wedding ring that she had long stop wearing. She held the ring staring at it for a few seconds. Then the tears came. She walked to the kitchen trash can and dropped the ring in with the trash. She walked back to the table. She took out a small stack of papers and looked through them until her marriage license was in her hands. The front door opened and Robert walked inside, sat on the sofa and picked up the telephone and said, "I forgot I have to call my job about my start time tomorrow."

Robert was curious; as he watched Gladys walk toward him with the document in her hand. What is with her, now, he wondered?"

Gladys stood directly in front of Robert as he sat on the sofa, holding the telephone. Again their eyes met. Without saying a word. Gladys proceeded to tear the marriage license into small pieces onto Robert's lap. Before she walked away. She said, "You're right, it was just a piece of paper."

Robert was stunned. He suddenly realizes that Gladys had just torn up their marriage license all over his lap. The pieces of paper fell to the floor as Robert stood up. Without uttering a word; he put the telephone down, walked to the front door and walked out.

Four weeks has gone by. Gladys and Robert saw each others once during this time. They decided to try a short period of separation before they actually filed for divorce. It was Robert's suggestion. Robert was unaware that Gladys had started looking for her own place. It didn't take long before she found a place. She signed a one year lease on a house. Gladys had also seen an attorney. She filed for a no fault divorce. The attorney said that was the best and cheapest way to go. She and Robert would both have to sign the documents and one of them would have to appear in court, maybe, only once. Gladys knew that she would be the one who would have to go to court.

It was a Saturday afternoon when Robert stopped by to pick up some of his belongings. He told Gladys that he would rent a truck and help her move. As Robert entered the bedroom Gladys yelled out to him: "By the way, there are some documents on the dresser that requires your signature. You need to sign them before you leave."

Gladys went into the kitchen and sat down at the table with a hot cup of coffee that she poured for herself. Ten minutes or so past, Robert entered the kitchen with a suitcase in one hand and the divorce papers in the other hand.

"What are these?" Robert asked as he threw the papers on the table.

"Oh, those are just our divorce papers," Gladys answered. "Since we decided to get a no fault divorce; we only have to sign the papers; and one of us has to take them to court. I realize you probably wouldn't want to do that. I'll go to court. Gladys paused "As you can see, I'm not asking anything for myself. It's also stated that we will equally accept financial responsibility the children. We can work out child custody and visitation that's best for the children. You are welcome to have an attorney look the papers over."

Robert picked up the papers and threw them closer to Gladys: "We agreed on a separation. Tell your lawyer that I'm not signing. He will have to see me in court."

The children loved the new house and school. They had no problem making new friends. Gladys was relieved to have her children out of the environment that they left behind. Gladys car needed tires, a battery, a transmission and other work needed to be done. She had to park her car and paid one of her co-workers to give her a ride to and from work. It wasn't easy, it was a struggle, but things were working out. Her children were happy. Gladys finally got her vacation pay and she was able to get her car repaired. Robert helped out financially. But, most of the burden was on Gladys. The divorce was in limbo. Gladys didn't have time nor could she afford to take off work to go to court to get the divorce. She believed that if she didn't hassle Robert, that he would give in and sign the divorce papers.

Gladys realized that she no longer loved Robert. She knew he was still with his woman, and Gladys didn't care. She was no longer hurt by his actions. She, also, knew that Robert didn't love her and he was probably in love with the other woman. She just couldn't understand the disrespect Robert showed her and the children. Why didn't he just leave her? She made it so easy for him to leave. Why is it so hard for him to agree to the divorce she is now offering him?

Gladys concluded that, maybe Robert was satisfied with the way things were. As long as he could hang onto her and the children and have the woman he loves; why not? Things were working for him. He didn't have to commit to anyone. As long as Robert was happy; that's all that mattered. Gladys finally saw Robert for what he really was. Robert loved Robert. He didn't really care about anyone else.

This other woman couldn't be completely happy. Gladys knew that any woman, in love with a man, would want that man to leave his wife to be with her. Robert was in no hurry to get a divorce and be free to spend all of his time with the woman he claims that he loves. With her there was no commitment, no responsibilities, just fun and good times. Robert was happy, that's all that mattered. He even told his woman that Gladys wouldn't give him a divorce. She loved him so she bought it.

Two years later, Robert found out that his lover was dying of cancer. He stayed with her and did all he could, except divorce Gladys and marry her. He could have spent her last days as her husband. He chose not to. Other than that, he stood by her until the end.

Robert had no one. He started visiting the children more often. Gladys knew what it felt like to be lonely. She felt compassion for him. She let him visit as often as he liked. He needed the children and the children enjoyed having him around. When Robert came by to visit the boys; Gladys made herself scarce. The boys were now older. They were used to not having a father figure around. The boys and Robert had a lot of adjusting to do. The boys knew that their father was only spending all this time with the family; because the other woman had died. The boys loved their father but they didn't trust him. They didn't know how long these visits from their father would last.

During the time that Robert was absent from the home; Gladys did go out on dates with a couple of men from work. However, she was never unfaithful. She did nothing wrong. She went to dinner or to a movie only a few times. She did it to keep her sanity; it got very lonely for her at times. It was good spending time with a grown person of the opposite sex. She felt important again. She felt like a woman. However, Gladys soon realized that the dating game was not for her. She had her children to think about. With the boys school, baseball, karate, competition, and other activities; her hands were full. She again turned all of her attention back to taking care of her children and herself.

After a few months passed, Robert wanted to talk about getting back together with Gladys. Gladys wasn't flattered, but, she had nothing to lose. If Robert was serious about changing his ways; it would be good for the children to have their father in the house. The boys needed a male figure around. It would certainly be financially better for Gladys. Robert and Gladys discussed staying together for the children, at least long enough to get the children through school. Gladys made it clear to Robert that if he ever brought another woman around her and the boys that it would be over. What ever he did. She wanted him to keep it away from her and her children.

Robert never said he was sorry for the things he put Gladys and the children through. Gladys also knew he was not sorry for any of his actions. And she was not ready to forgive him. She could never trust or believe in Robert ever again. She knew there was no chance of them ever living as husband and wife again. Any feelings she ever had for Robert was gone. For some strange reason they decided to live together for the boys. If Robert could start being a father to the boys; Gladys would be so happy.

Robert was home all the time. Not because he loved Gladys. He was lonely. He had no one else to turn to. His children were all the family he had. He needed Gladys and the boys. The boys still loved their father, unconditional, after everything that happened; they still loved him and Robert knew this. After his lost, Robert needed to be near the people who loved him. Gladys believed that, in his own way, Robert loved his sons. She believes that he never stopped loving the boys.

Gladys and Robert never got a divorce. They never found themselves back to each others. Things were never the same for them. They are still living together, but, not as man and wife. They sleep in separate rooms. They don't hate each others. They don't love each others. Much too much has been taken away from this marriage. Sometimes Gladys looks at Robert and asks herself. "What are we doing? Why are we living this way?" Could it be that either one of us don't trust love. And we feel safe with each others. That doesn't make much sense, but, living together in separate rooms without love or trust doesn't make much sense either.

The End