Fish Patties and Rice

I want to start out by sayin' that you won't never ever believe this story, not in a million years. Never. I know 'cause even I myself can't hardly believe it, and it happened to me. It sounds just like one of them Rex Bradberry stories or whatever that fella's name is that writes them science fiction books my oldest daughter, Shell likes to read so much. It's crazy, crazy, crazy! And, If I ever get outta this mess I'm in right now, I'm gonna go right on that one T.V. show...what's it called?..."That's Incredible"! Yes sirree, it's just the kinda stuff they have on there all the time. But anyways, I guess I oughta start at the beginnin'.

It all began, I guess, last winter. On a Tuesday, I do believe...yeah, it was Tuesday 'cause Pinky, that's my second youngest, she's twelve, was at cheerleader practice and Shell and Steph, my second oldest, was over at the Baptist Church practicin' for the Christmas program. They was gonna use Jessie, my littlest, for Baby Jesus, but she kept jumpin' outta the crib and pullin' off the wise mens' beards, so they was usin' a forty watt light bulb instead. Anyways, it was Tuesday and they was all gone, 'cept Jessie who was takin' a nap in the other room and I was in the kitchen tryin' to find somethin' to fix'em all for supper. Well, it was right there at the end of the month and the food stamps wouldn't be in 'til after the first and there weren't nothin' in the house, 'cept for four Mrs. Paul's frozen batter-dipped fish patties, a cup of Minute Rice and some Wardley's goldfish food.

Now, I ain't too good at math. English was always my best subject in high school, but I knowed you couldn't feed six people (that's countin' my husband Daryl) on four frozen fish patties, a cup of Minute Rice and two tablespoons of goldfish food. 'Sides, nobody liked goldfish food too well, 'cept Jessie, and we always tried to keep it outta her reach. Well, I stood there a minute, holdin' the fish patties, thinkin' what to do, when my eye happened to catch on the goldfish bowl that sits on the far counter in the kitchen. Fang, that's the goldfish, was swimmin' 'round all crazy-like in some kind of purple stuff! Well, now I just could not hardly believe my eyes! I'd just changed his water that very mornin' myself and it wasn't purple then, I'da surely noticed if it hadda been! Nobody'd been there all day neither, 'cept for Jessie, and I always kept the bowl outta her reach, for fear she'd eat ol' Fang or drink the water.

"Hells Bells!" I said, right out loud, just like that, and went over to the bowl to see just what exactly was goin' on. Well, I leaned over that fish bowl and looked in and I'll be damed if that purple stuff didn't smell just like Daryl's brother, Abner's still that he keeps in his basement! Well now, you ain't gotta hit me upside the head with a brick, I knowed that stuff was alcohol and judgin' by the color, it was prob'ly wine! Well I was stuptified! I just stood there a'starin' as if I didn't have a brain in my head! Pretty soon, I noticed Fang swimmin' real funny, kinda like he was tryin' not to flip over on his back. I knowed he was dyin', but I was so amazed at findin' him swimmin' 'round in a bowl fulla booze that I just stood there a'watchin' and holdin' them batter-dipped fish patties and in a coupla minutes he just flipped over on his scaly little back and expired. Well, God Almighty as my witness, I got so rattled! I just didn't know what to do! I looked down at them fish patties and damn near got sick.

Nauseated as I was, I collected my wits. The kids still had to eat, so I went on back to makin' supper. I turned on the oven and stuck the fish patties in. While I was already in the kitchen anyways, I went ahead and stuck on some water to boil for the Minute Rice. There'd prob'ly be enough for the kids, anyway. I was too throw-uppy-fied to eat and Daryl prob'ly get home 'til late. He'd been comin' in real late alot lately and I had a pretty good idea it wasn't all just work he was doin'.

After I got supper goin', I decided I'd better dump Fang down the commode 'fore the kids got home. I went back over to the counter, picked up the bowl and carried it on into the bathroom, which is across the hall. Well, I felt a little silly doin' it, but before I dumped him, I said a little prayer to God for ol' Fang's soul. It was a poem:

Fang's dead, God rest his soul,
I hope he finds Heaven
in our toilet bowl.

I never was too religious, but I like to make up poems. I sent a whole lot of'em out to "Redbook", but none've been published yet. Well, anyways, I started to dump him and I looked down and I'll be damned if he wasn't swimmin' 'round just as happy as a lark! I thought I'd lost my mind for sure! Why, I'd just seen him die deader'n Mrs. Paul's fish and now here he was waggin' his little fan tail and blowin' fish kisses in that wine just like he had good sense. Why, I bet he'd aburst into song if he'd aknowed any words. Well, I decided that I'd better put him in some fresh water before he decided to up and die 'gain.

I went back to the kitchen and drew some more water outta the faucet and into the Dr. Pepper pitcher we got at the Dipsey Doodle drive-in last June. I set the whole thing on the counter while I went to look for the Fritz instant chlorine remover, America's best value in pet products. I found it in Shell's room in her underwear drawer where she'd hid it from Jessie. After I found it, I ran back to the kitchen 'cause I remembered that the water I'd put on for the rice was pob'ly boilin'. Back in the kitchen, I took the water, which was sure 'nuff boilin', off the burner and went to put a coupla drops of the Fritz into the pitcher. Well now, I damn near had a mental breakdown. Sittin' on my counter was a Dr. Pepper pitcher fulla wine! I made myself calm by takin' some deep breaths.

"Jean," I said to myself, "It ain't nothin'. Now just draw some more water and it'll all be alright."
So I did. My hands was shakin', but I dumped out the wine and drew some more water, all the time sayin' "Stay water. Please! Lord Almighty, please stay water!"

And it did. I musta watched that pitcher for five solid minutes. Just stared 'til my eyeballs got all dried out. But the stuff stayed water, so I then proceeded to put a coupla drops of chlorine remover in and I changed the water without no further incident. Fang was still swimmin' 'round in the wine, real perky-like and seemed a little disappointed to find himself in plain old water 'gain.

I was pretty calm by this time and decided to finish fixin' supper. My appetite seemed to be comin' back and that fish in the oven started to smellin' real good. It didn't seem to smell like fish usually smell; you know, real fishy. This fish smelled kinda like the garlic toast they have at that Bonanza restaurant , but I wasn't really thinkin' 'bout that. It was time to start fixin' the rice. Well, as you can prob'ly guess, when I took the lid off the boiled water, it wasn't water at all, it was a steamin' pot of wine. I wasn't really all that surprised. I was catchin' on. I merely dumped it down the sink and said to the faucet, "You will be pure, clear water. I can't be feedin' my kids no wine-soaked Minute Rice, hear?" And it was.

I finally got supper 'bout done and I even hummed a little, thinkin' to myself that I could have wine anytime I wanted, now. I wouldn't have to go over to Abner's piss-water still or over the county line, nomore. I also decided not to tell Daryl or the kids, either. I'd keep it my own little secret. 'Sides, they'd all just think I was crazy anyways. I was sittin' at the kitchen table when I heard the front door slam.

"Mom! I'm home! What smells s'good?" It was Pink.

"Fish patties and rice!"

"Oh," she said. She sounded disappointed. "I thought it was somethin' good like spaghetti."

I heard her go into her room and wanted to follow her and yell at her and tell her that she knew we didn't get the food stamps 'til after the first and that was seven days away. And if her father, the sonofabitch, would give us some money, which I knew he had but he said he didn't, and stay at home once in awhile, we might not have to live this way. But I didn't. For once, I held my temper and finished settin' the table. Pretty soon, the front door slammed again. Shell and Steph came into the kitchen, followed by Marlus, the little hare-lipped girl that lives down the road a piece.

"Mama," Steph said, "Marlus' mama said she could come over and eat tonight, 'kay?"

I damned near cried. How was I supposed to feed five kids and myself on what little we had?

"Hey, Mom! Where'd you get all this stuff?" I turned around to find Shell lookin' in the oven. "God, there must be ten loaves of garlic bread in here!"

Well, I didn't have no clue what she was talkin' 'bout, "Shell, what are you talkin' 'bout? We haven't got no..."

Shell opened the oven door wider and Lord Almighty, She was right! There musta been eight (not ten) loaves of garlic bread, about thirty fish patties and the most beautiful broccoli and rice casserole I'd ever saw!

"God, Mama!" Steph was starin' open-mouthed, "Where'd you get all that?"

"The Piggly Wiggly, stupid! Were'd you think?" Well, I had to think of somethin' quick, even if I didn't need to necessarily call her stupid. I was more than a little on edge.

"Mithuth Thtephenth, can I have a glath of water?"

That was Marlus. I guessed she talked that way 'cause of her hare-lip.

"Yes, Marluth...er Marlus. I'll get you one," I said without thinkin'. "Pink!" I hollered, "Get Jess, it's suppertime! Steph, put on another plate for Marlus!"

Now, I could prob'ly have avoided this whole mess if I hadn't got Marlus her "glath" of water. See, what happened was that Pink came runnin' with Jessie when I called supper. Steph was gettin' the extra plate and Shell was gettin' the food outta the oven. I just plain wasn't thinkin' when I handed Marlus that water. All the sudden, there was this huge purple spray all over the kitchen and Marlus was standin' there chokin' and gaspin'.

"Mithuth--Mithuth Thtephnth!" Marlus said in between chokin', ""Thith ain't water, thith ith the thtuff that comth outta my daddy'th thtill! Thith ith..."

Well, I couldn't let her blab off her mouth with the kids all standin' there, so I slapped my hand over her mouth before she could finish talkin'.

"Marlus, honey," I said just as sweet as pie, "That is too, water. It's just been runnin' funny, today. That's all. I'll get you 'nother glass."

Then, I took my hand away from her mouth and lo and behold! Her hare-lip was gone! And she had the prettiest little mouth, too. Shaped just like a little heart.

Well, I just stared, and the kids stared and Marlus put her hand up to her mouth and her eyes got as big as two of Fang's fish bowls.

"Mithuth Thtephenths, how'd you do that? My mouth ain't funny no more!"

Well, I guess it wasn't 'cause of her hare-lip she talked that way.

"Marlus, now you listen to me. I didn't do that...umm...ahhh...God did it! That's right! God did."

"Mithuth Thtephenth, are you God? Wait'll I tell Mama!"

And she ran out the front door so fast, I didn't even have one chance to stop her. I knowed if she told her mama, I was gonna be in trouble, but hell, I really couldn't astopped her. 'Sides, the food smelled real good, wherever it'd come from. The kids was all lookin' at me, real gape-mouth and stupid-like 'cept for Jess, who had a fish patty in each hand I was hollerin' for somethin' to drink.

"Pink, make the tea. Steph, get some glasses....move! The food's gettin' cold! I hope that damn Marlus didn't spit on it!"

We finally got set down to supper. The food was real good and the kids all seemed to forget about Marlus and her hare-liplessness, for a little while, anyways. After supper, Shell and Steph did the dishes and the water was okay for them. No wine or nothin', I mean. Pink took Jess back to her room to play and to show off the new cheers she'd learnt that afternoon. I drew myself a glass of wine from the bathroom sink and found that cold was red, hot was white and both made rose. I drew myself a glass of white, so the kids wouldn't notice so much, and I set myself down in the living room to read "Mandingo" which is one of them books kinda like a grocery-store romance book, only a whole lot juicier. I was just gettin' to the good parts when there was a knock at the front door. No, more like a bang.

BANG BANG BANG!!

I had a pretty good idea who it was, too. Marlus and her mama.Well now, I just got right up from where I sat in our big Lay-Z Boy chair and I marched to the door. Now, as I stated before, I had expected to see Marlus and her mama, but not Marlus, her mama, the Baptist preacher, the Episcopal preacher, the Methodist preacher and the preacher from the Catholic Church in Parker's Lake, which is about 10 miles from where we live in Whitley City. I damn near fell clear through the floor and down to the cellar!

Well, I asked'em what they all wanted and they all started in to talkin' at once and all I could catch was a couple of words like "saint" and "miracle" and a coupla "hallelujahs!" from the Baptist preacher. They was all so excited I couldn't hardly believe it! Well, I told'em to come on in and talk like rational people. So, all half dozen of'em marched in and set down. The preachers on the couch, Marlus on the floor and her mama in the straight backed chair by the radio. I sat back down in the Lay-Z Boy.

"Well now," says I, "I believe I know why you'ns is here. It's because of Marlus' mouth, ain't it?"

Well, that set'em all off 'gain to yellin' 'bout miracles and whathaveyou, 'til the Methodist preacher cut in. You know, it's always amazed me to hear that man talk. He can take a simple little word, like "God" and break it down 'til it's got about eight syllables.

"Fu-olk-ah-sah! Puh-lah-eas-ah! Let us-ah dis-ah-scuss-ah this ru-ation-ahll-ah-y-ah! Now-ah, Miss-sis-ah Stu-ee-phen-sah, Marlus has t-ah-old her mu-u-thah that you-ah tah-ouch-ah-dah her-ah mah-outh and-ah heal-dah her-ah....um...harelip. Is-ah this-ah tah-ru-ah?

"She didn't touch my mouth, she thlapped it!"

"I did not slap your mouth, Marlus!"

"Yeth you did! Right after you gave me that moonshine to drink!"

"It wasn't moonshine, Marlus. It was wine...er water!"

"You gave my child wine!"

"It was water...it's just been runnin' funny today..."

"It'th moonshine, mama! Jutht like in daddy'th thtill!"

"Marlus, I slapped that hare-lip off and I can sure as shootin' slap it back on, just keep it up!"

Marlus' mama looked like she mighta liked to do the same thing, what with Marlus blabbin' about the still in front of all the preachers, and all.

The Episcopal preacher interrupted, "Mrs. Stephens, are we to understand that you have changed tap water into wine?"

That threw me for a second. "Well, I...no. Well,...kinda I guess. But it wasn't my fault! I know this here's a dry county and all and I promise, I won't never do it again, I swear!"

"Mrs. Stephens, are you aware that Christ's first miracle was changing water into wine?" That was the Catholic one, he got on my nerves. Of course I knew.

"Of course I know!."

"Mama, whaddya want me to do with all this bread?" Steph was standin' in the doorway holdin' 'bout five loaves of garlic bread. She looked at me and then at the four preachers and Marlus and her mama. "Hey, what's goin' on? Hi, Mrs. Owens, how'dya like the way Mom fixed Marlus' mouth?"

"Steph," I says, "Go on out now and put that bread in the breadbox!"

The Baptist preacher cut in, "Stephanie, were you here when your mother...er...fixed Marlus' mouth?"

"Well yeah, we all was. We was in the kitchen gettin' supper and Marlus' was drinkin' some water and then she spit and Mama slapped her..."

"I did not slap her! I covered her mouth with my hand to shut her...er...to keep her from spittin' wine all over the food."

"Then you was givin' my child wine over here!"

"No I was not!" It was gettin' pretty hard to stay calm at this point. "I merely drew some water outta the faucet that somehow turned to..."

"Wine." The Episcopal preacher finished for me.

"And what other tricks do you have up your sleeve, Mrs. Stephens?" Asked the Catholic one, who I never like anyway, the little sonofabitch.

"I don't have any tricks up my sleeve, you little sonofabitch!"

"You watch your language in front of my baby!"

"You stay outta this, Stella Owens, or I'll..."

"Mrs. Stephens, it seems to us that you have somehow learned to perform either black magic or miracles. We're not sure which."

Now, I could not hardly believe it! My own preacher. Well, my kids' own preacher anyways, thought I was a witch! Well, I decided right then and there that I was gonna take my girls right outta that Baptist Church and send'em to the Methodist. And they wasn't gonna be in no Christmas program, neither!

"Listen you! I ain't no witch, if that's what you're gettin' at. Just 'cause I turn a little water into wine and some piddly-ass goldfish dies and then comes back to life..."

It took me a minute to realize what I'd just said and to notice that they was all starin' at me, slack-jawed, like they'd never seen me before. Even my own kids, who was all in the livin' room by this time.

"You brought a goldfish back to life?"

Now, it was amazin' how they all said that together, almost like three part harmony. Well, after they all said that, it hit me. What was I coverin' up for? They already knew about the wine and Marlus' lip. I might just as well go on ahead and tell'em about Fang and feedin' the multitudes with Mrs. Paul's frozen batter-dipped fish patties. So I did.

Well, when I finished talkin', the preachers all had me to do a kind of show-and-tell. Even I was amazed at the things I could do! I took off the Episcopal's liver spots. I drew the Catholic some red wine. Then, I drew the Catholic some white wine. Then some more red. Boy, He sure could drink! Well, I did everything they asked me to, 'cept for curin' Stella Owen's hemorroids and, by the time they all left, they was convinced I was The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost. I wasn't too sure what I was.

Well, the kids finally got sleepy and bored with their "Magic Mama" and went on to bed. They'da prob'ly been more excited it I coulda made Tang
'stead of wine. Daryl didn't make it home at all that night. He came in 'bout seven o'clock the next mornin', wantin' to know what all the people was doin' out in our front yard. I went to the window and looked out, bein' clueless as to what he was talkin' 'bout.

Sweet Jesus! There musta been a thousand or so people out on our property and out in the streets. When they saw me peekin' out at'em, they went wild! Just wild! People with shaved heads and robes, Hairy Kirshners, I think they're called. There was a bunch of them Moonies. All sorts of weirdos and people from The National Enquirer, all the way from Lantana, Florida! It was stuptifyin', it was! A whole group of'em, all asudden rushed to the front door and I thanked God it was big and heavy and locked! I think they musta wanted me to heal'em or somethin'. They was sorta scabby-lookin'. Needless to say, I didn't go out that day and I didn't let the kids go to school, neither. That was a damn scary crowd out there.

Well, that crowd stayed outside my house for a solid month now before it finally started dwindlin'. Me, my husband and my kids stayed cooped up in the house for a solid month, now. I guess it really wasn't too bad, 'cept the kids got awful tired of eatin' fish and garlic bread all the time and Daryl was always drunk, and I didn't like him anyways. Finally, after the fifth week, I sent for my Mom in Kansas to come get the kids. They was just missin' too much school. Daryl ran off with a fat Moonie girl too, but I really didn't give a hoot and I forget exactly when. I think they went to Pensacola, Florida but I ain't real sure.

I'm all alone here, now. But, the crowd's adwindlin' real fast. I think I might get to get outta here soon. When I do, I'm gonna go get my girls. Then I think we'll move somewheres where nobody knows me. Just me and the kids. I think I might get out in maybe a month or so. I hope at least by my thirty-second birthday which is comin' up real soon. I don't know, though. There's some man keeps drivin' 'round the house with a load of lumber and railroad spikes.