Five Alternative Methods to Quit Smoking

I have wanted to quit smoking for several months. I have tried all the so-called anti-smoking aids including nicotine gum, nicotine nasal spray, nicotine patches, Chantrix and plain old-fashioned "going cold turkey".

Unsurprisingly, each attempt has ended in failure, mostly due to my serious lack of willpower. However, I do believe there is a way to accomplish this New Year's Resolution, but which will require the efforts of others, perhaps on a major scale. It is more than apparent that aids to help one quit smoking typically have only a minor effect on me and none has ever produced a long-lasting effect lasting more than one day. Therefore, it is just as obvious that extreme measures may be my only answer.

In order to stop smoking, one of the following must occur.

Bound hand and foot and placed in a rotisserie position

Being suspended for an extend period of time would negate any attempt to escape, and all my bodily needs and functions would be taken care of via the insertion of various tubes throughout the orifices of my body. Strapped onto a contraption similar to a rotisserie would prevent bedsores. Physical therapy needed to keep my body from atrophying could be accommodated by frequent turnings and swinging through pushes on the chains or ropes that hold me up in the air. This is probably not my favorite idea, though it does have some merit that I could get a complete body tan if tanning lights were part of the equation. Someone would just need to rub enough oil on in order that I did not bake like a Christmas turkey.

Placed in a chemically induced coma

If I were not mentally conscious, I could not smoke. Placing me in a chemically induced coma would not only prevent me from lighting up a cigarette, but I would be so far out of the proverbial ballgame, that I would not know what I was missing or how far off left base I would be - literally. By the time I am brought back to consciousness, the urge to smoke should be greatly diminished because my body would have taken care of any withdrawal symptoms by that time. I do believe my extremities would have to be treated with something akin to bitter apple to keep my subconscious from pretending that my fingers or a toe is a cigarette.

Locked in a motel room

Lockdown works in prisons. Confined to a cell or room for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no method or means to escape and the security guards at the door and windows would prevent any attempt. Supplied with a television, radio, computer (with internet access of course), sufficient food and water, and a variety of chocolate candy would probably work, though I may have to go to Jenny Craig later for a "tune up" from all the calories. That is unless I am sufficiently off my rocker by then to spend another 30 days in a mental health facility at which time I should be permanently cured.

Dropped off in the wilderness

This one explains itself since if left stranded in the woods without a compass and my utter lack of directional skills, it would be relatively simple to keep me confined within a 10 acre area without undue consequences since I would never realize how lost I was in the first place. Roaming up and down a few mountains would also decrease my weight, make me feel better, give me a better lung capacity, and allow my sense of taste and smell to return, if only to be able to sniff out raspberries and crabapples as a source of food.

Left on a desert island

Now this would be my most likely choice out of the above suggestions. With fresh air, white sandy beaches, and exercise from swimming while trying to escape sharks, jellyfish, and sand fleas would keep me busy enough and would not allow enough time to think about smoking. The only drawback I can see is that, if left alone to my own devices, I could develop some distorted or perverted activities. However, I am sure this could be taken care of quite readily if there was a second person (and who would provide a very strong inducement to quit) on the island, preferably someone like Harrison Ford or Nicholas Cage. I would be fully occupied in my own Indiana Jones adventure or questing for hidden treasure by long forgotten pirates.

I might not want to leave.