Five Bad Christmas Gifts for Him

I have a collection of bad Christmas gifts. I'm not sure if that says more about me or more about the individuals who buy gifts for me, but I'm sure we all need change (and hope?) This year, I made a list of five things I positively do not want for Christmas. When my loved ones ask what I want, they may be surprised to receive this list and instructions to "buy me anything, just so long as it is not on this list". Here is my "Not This Year" Christmas list.

1. Gloves. I must have the coldest looking hands in the northern hemisphere. The third drawer down in my dresser is full of a wide variety of gloves. Among my collection, I have fur-lined leather gloves, knit gloves, driving gloves, work gloves, gardening gloves (but no garden), Gore-tex gloves, fingerless gloves, weight lifting gloves and snowmobile gloves (no snowmobile). Most of the glove pairs are still connected by those little plastic security ties, and they are in sizes from small to X-large. I do not need gloves. Please.

2. Wallets. In the same drawer with the gloves, I have five wallets, still in their originals packaging. I had seven until I started re-gifting them to my nephews. Put a ten or twenty dollar bill in them and they make excellent High School graduation presents. The only reason you should buy me a wallet is if you are actually seeking a round about way to give my nephews wallets for their High School graduations, and to be honest, I already have more wallets than nephews.

3. Ties. I wear my only tie two or three times a year, for weddings and funerals. It's not that I don't appreciate the hilarity of brightly colored Veggie Tale ties or the irony of a tie from my alma mater's biggest football rival, and twenty years ago I received a beautiful plaid tie from Ireland that I treasure (but never wear), but I already have fifteen or twenty ties that I will never wear, and I just don't want any more.

4. Funny slippers. We may get a chuckle and a funny holiday picture, but all giant bunny, kitty, fish, puppy, or reindeer slippers will join the other animal slippers in the back of my closet where they make a fine tribute to Jim Henson. Fifty year old men don't wear funny slippers.

5. Self help books that purport to change me from what I am into what you want me to be. I don't care what planets men and women come from, and I'm not interested in learning love languages. I'm not into forming effective habits or breaking bad ones, and if I was, I wouldn't buy a book about it. I already have a book about what God wants me to be, and honestly, I'm pretty sure that none of your books will be as challenging or as helpful as that one.

So that's it. No gloves, wallets, ties, slippers or self help books. I will be extremely happy with anything not on this short list, or maybe I'll make a new list with SIX items on it next year.