Five Easiest Ways to Cheat Your Way Through College

This how-to shouldn't be read too literally. Rather, it should provide some valuable insight to the college world-reality isn't always too pleasing. Neither is cold, hard responsibility. When choosing between the dishonesty of cheating and the character-building of responsibility, the choice is yours. Desperation breeds a multitude of results.

In the college world, many students will find themselves looking good in person but looking bad on paper. The opposite is true as well; I once knew a 4.0 student who only studied after doing cocaine, which leads to how-to step number one...

Speed

Do lots of uppers, learn to love work. Apply your high to your output. If that means studying while being drunk, fine... but it's no secret that uppers are the college drug of choice. Coffee doesn't always work, and it doesn't help the insulin level either. Rather, a small amount of time-release speed should work to keep you on edge. Remember to drink water while doing speed, as you don't want to be the jittery, pimply student with a mouth full of white crust.

Wear a hat

Test time? Wear a hat! As long as you keep your head down, the brim will mask your eyes' movements. Of course, this is not exactly the best way to approach short answer/ essay questions on tests. But as long as you think the student you're copying off of looks or smells smart, cheating should be easy. After the test, however, you are endowed to grant the student whose answers you stole a symbol of your gratitude-offer him or her some of your speed! You might just make a new friend...

Homeys

Always roll strong when it comes to fighting an educational lesson. There are many ways to make friends (see above) but you might have to pretend to be friends with lots of dorks in order to win information. This is definitely applicable to theater classes, or any class where attendance is a must. In fact, pretending to be friends with dorks works better than making real friends in class... if you find a lot in common with the other cheating bastards in your classroom, you might not be in the best situation.

Plagiarize!

Friends are good for plagiarizing, too. Make sure to ask your friends everything they know about easy classes, past assignments, and upcoming tests. They might just have something to give you, namely writing, that you can "re-interpret" in your own words. Plagiarizing itself is kind of a joke, and even less funny when you're caught, so smarten up. Otherwise, there's always uvocorp.com, a site for the worst, poorest students to go and beg for hired help writing college papers.

The Internet

A multitude of sites provide a wealth of information when it comes to college classes. Weren't there for the big lecture on liberalism in the Supreme Court? Google it. What happened in Biology 101 today? Ask someone on facebook. If students really got smart, they'd organize and publish class notes on the Internet. Just like anything else in the world, the Internet is usually a good place to look first!