Five Flirting Tips for Painfully Shy Girls

It's tough being a single woman, but it's especially tough for us bashful babes. For some of us, the very thought of overtly flirting with a handsome new acquaintance sets a whole series of panicky thoughts into motion. If you're worried that you'll never gather the courage to send the proper signals to that guy you've got your eyes on, worry no more--the good news is that shyness can actually be an advantage when it comes to the mating game, especially for women. Here are five simple steps that will help you put your hidden charms front and center.

The first step is to smile--right now! (I'll wait.) Every book, article and sidebar on flirting mentions the importance of a welcoming smile, and no wonder; it really is the first sign that it's safe to approach a new friend, colleague or potential mate. Shy women sometimes refrain from smiling for fear of looking silly, phony or desperate, but that somewhat terrified, beauty pageant runner-up grimace is easily avoidable. The trick to a natural, unforced smile is to think of something pleasant or beautiful, either in your immediate vicinity, or in your memory. Noticing a graceful floral arrangement at a party or a perfect wave on the beach relaxes your expression and takes your focus off yourself. (It's also a great icebreaker, if you're brave enough to say it out loud; "That's a fantastic mural!" is as good an opener as any, and it starts an encounter on a positive note.) Pondering something slightly sexy works wonders, too. Ever notice that the girl with the seductively subtle Mona Lisa smile often gets just as much attention from men as an outgoing, extroverted lady with a dazzling grin? Work with your bashfulness, rather than trying to force yourself into a style that doesn't fit.

Another great way to face a room full of strangers is to concentrate on what you can bring to the gathering, rather than what sort of impression you're making. At the risk of sounding like a self-esteem pep rally leader, it's an indisputable fact that no one else can contribute the exact combination of experiences, talents and gifts that you brought with you, just by walking through the door. Don't underestimate your unique contribution to the chemistry of the gathering! A nightclub full of extroverts would be too noisy to bear; both the serene and the bold are required for a party to really pop. (Those boisterous, life-of-the-party guys want and need a listening ear and an audience; part of the fun for them is the feeling of accomplishment they get when they've charmed a quiet, appealing lady to come out of her shell a little bit. Why deny them the joy?)

Taking a scholar's approach to a social adventure sounds a bit counterintuitive at first, but for us shy ladies, it's a must. As enjoyable as a spontaneous invitation can be, a bit of advance notice can give you time to combat your inhibitions with a dose of preparation. Knowing something about the crowd--whether it's a political gathering, a concert after-party or a post-game get-together--is a huge help. Naturally, if the men you're meeting and flirting with share a mutual hobby or interest, you're all set for conversational topics. But if you're breaking new ground (and that's always a wise thing to do) studying up on current events, an unfamiliar genre of music, the rules of the sport, or whatever applies will help you feel good when the verbal ball is in your court. If you haven't had time to do homework, don't try to bluff--ask questions and be a good listener. Many men enjoy being the expert and explaining the nuances of their favorite sport or hobby to a pretty girl.

Speaking of prettiness, looking your very best is a tremendous confidence booster! The trick here is to strive to be the the most beautiful version of you, and despite the hype to the contrary, you don't have to be model thin, playmate-curvy, or a certain age, weight or height to feel good about your physical presence. Good grooming isn't vain, silly or insincere--it's a must if you want to feel fully prepared to flirt. Beyond the bedrock basics--a shower, shampoo, clean clothes, fresh breath and tamed nails--there's a wealth of information available on how to get gorgeous, and much of that information is free. The visual shorthand of "hotness" varies from place to place and group to group, but the common denominators of a feminine, flattering hairstyle, body-conscious colorful clothing and natural-looking cosmetics are constant. We're fortunate enough to live in a time when both the beauty products needed and the tips and tricks on how to use them are easily affordable and readily available. Don't be afraid to take all the time you need to study your best features, colors and styles in the same way that an actress or model would. (No, most of us aren't being paid to be physically stunning, but when it comes to flirting, feeling fabulous is priceless.) Want to take it a step beyond? Read up on body language and the art of non-verbal cues.

Finally, take comfort in the fact that your calm demeanor is naturally attractive. Social customs are changing fast, it's true--but even now, it's more common for a man to make the first directly flirtatious contact with a woman than the other way around. By taking the time and effort to turn your shyness into quiet, radiant confidence, you'll appeal to both the shy and the bold men in your world--and once they're standing next to you and signaling their interest, half the battle's already won. Happy flirting!