Five Funny Landscaping Tips

It's Spring. And that means it's time for some key landscaping tips. Let's look at the five key landscaping mistakes everyone should avoid.

Mistake Number One: Having a Pet Cemetery In Your Front Yard

One, it's very tough to mow around all those crosses. And once you start burying pets in your front yard, you have to make decisions. Do you bury every pet? Or do you just flush the goldfish down the toilet and put the hamster in a plastic bag and dump in the garbage. The basic dilemma here is which pet is important enough to bury, which one is a throw-away. And of course, I think there may be a zoning ordinance against using your front yard for a pet burying ground.

Mistake Number Two: Hanging onto Old Campaign Signs

This falls under the "get over it" syndrome. So Bush did not win the popular vote. And Gore is now a movie star. But let's face it, the Gore campaign sign is looking a bit ragged, it makes you look like a sore loser, so it is time to toss it. But you can hang onto the Kerry-Edwards sign as that is only four years old and Edwards is running again. So all you have to do is paint over the Kerry part and you now have a current sign.

Mistake Number Three: Old Cars

Sooner or later, you have to let go of things. And that old Pinto sedan you drove in high school may inspire memories of what a nerd you really were, but there is not need to have it still parked in the front yard. Move it around to the back and use it for a bar-b-que, Pintos do well with fire. The rule of thumb here, according to landscaping experts, is that it is acceptable to have only one car on blocks in your front yard, and it has to be a classic car, like a '57 Chevy. A rusted '57 Chevy still manages to look cool. A rusted Pinto, well, just looks pathetic.

Mistake Number Four: Mowing Your Grass

Many people buy into the theory that it is important to have a well-kept lawn. This means a lot of money as you have to buy a lawnmower, fertilizer, weed-killer, weed-eater, edger, , hose, sprinkler and the sad truth is, your lawn will always look pathetic next to your neighbor, who is retired and has nothing else to do but work on his lawn all day. You have better things to do. Attend your kids' baseball games, drink beer, attend your kids' softball games, drink beer - did I mention drinking beer? Oh - I digress. Anyway - do not fall into the trap of mowing your lawn. Go the "environmental route". Tell your neighbors you are worried about global warming and thus have thrown away your lawnmower. You have decided to go with a natural prairie look. This basically involves letting your grass grow and throwing in some wild flowers. Your front lawn will look like a prairie in bloom, long grass and wild flowers blowing in the wind. At least, this is the story you tell your wife and your neighbors.

Mistake Number Five:

Following Tip Number Four. What are you crazy? If you don't mow your grass and buy lots of stuff to keep it green, when the economy goes to hell, who can we blame? We can blame YOU for not going to your local hardware store and buying lots of grass related stuff! Flowers blowing in the wind ? Are you kidding? You thought I was serious. Next thing you know, you will be burying pets in your front yard!!