Five Good Things About Ann Coulter

Coming up with five good things about Ann Coulter is kind of like finding a plus side to having genital herpes. In fact genital herpes has a more pleasing reputation than that of Ms. Coulter, who, by the way, may very well be a genital herpes sufferer, which would explain her rather objectionable demeanor. But I do like a challenge, so I will now attempt to come up with some nice things about the lady.

Caution: Please do not attempt this at home.

1. She is a tall, skinny blonde. I like tall, skinny blondes. Of course there is some question as to whether or not Ann is actually female (what with the Adam's Apple and all); and I insist that my tall, skinny blondes be female. Nevertheless, we'll give Ms. Coulter the benefit of the doubt on this one.

2. She plays dumb. Despite the fact that she is allegedly quite intelligent, Ann constantly spouts extraordinarily dimwitted statements that make Paris Hilton sound like a member of Mensa. Like most men, I am intimidated by intellectual women, so I truly appreciate the "dumb blonde" act.

3. She has not procreated. Consider each child this crazy broad does not spawn as one less emotionally defeated, ready to eliminate his schoolmates, nut job.

4. She is compassionate. For instance, she referred to some of the 9/11 widows as "self-obsessed women" who were "enjoying their husbands' deaths." OK, just kidding about this one. Ann Coulter has NO compassion.

5. She is NOT a Democrat. This is a good thing. We don't want her.

Well that was no easy task, but I think I came up with five things that nearly make Ann Coulter look moderately human...sort of.

I could probably go on-and-on talking about my girl Ann, but I've gotta go. Time to find the ointment for my genital herpes.