Five Important Rules of the Road for Young Drivers

You get a few years on you and all these do-gooders start picking on your driving skills. You know they're full of bull because you've been driving for longer than before their parents reached puberty. And even though you know they're out there road-hogging all over the place while you're being a cautious driver, you still let it nag at you that they dare criticize you.

Just like anything else in this world, seniority should have some privileges, and I say that's true even in the driving world. For that reason, I've developed the following driving rules that should apply to those like us who've put in our time.

Rules of the Road No. 1:

I can drive any speed on the highway I wish as long as I'm not on the road at peak traveling hours or rush hour. If you come up behind me and I'm trucking along at 45 miles per hour, you are not allowed to honk your horn at me, tailgate me, pull out like you're going to pass me every two minutes or make obscene gestures at me. If you break Rule No. 1, I am allowed to pull out my Smith and Wesson and shoot at your tires.

Rules of the Road No. 2:

If I pull into a parking lot and there is no available parking space near the door of the business, I am allowed to park in a No Parking area. That includes Loading Zones, which should really be behind the building anyway. Any business owner who allows a transport truck to park in front of their business to unload while taking up parking spaces should be fined.

Rules of the Road No. 3:

You are not allowed to fuss at me if I don't go immediately at a four-way stop. I may be older than you, but I'm not stupid. I know that when two people pull up to the stop at the same time, the one of the right is supposed to go first. The problem is that some of you young bozos can't seem to learn it. So if I take my time to make sure I don't get run over by pulling out, don't rant at me.

Rules of the Road No. 4:

The same holds true when I'm stopped at stoplight. If the light turns green, I'm not about to pull out in front of some guy who just had to beat the red light, so keep it to yourself.

Rules of the Road No. 5:

Everyone who has been driving for most people's lifetime should be allowed a couple of "incidents" without getting ticketed. This includes backing over fire hydrants, forgetting a new stop sign is now at the corner of such-and-such and the occasional taking out of a column in a drive-through bank lane. I figure that last one is the bank's fault anyway. Those ATM machines should have a little easier access.