Five New Olympic Games for Consideration

I've always been partial to the Winter Olympics over the Summer Olympic Games. Not that I'm a big fan of cold, but I have to admire those wispy little skaters dressed in thin costumes. They whirl and spin on that block of frozen water where there's always a chance that they'll fall on such a hard surface. My few attempts at ice skating proved that's not an easy landing. Me, let the steps freeze over, and I'm like Grandma Moses creeping down inch by inch. And then there's those skiers flying down the mountain over icy packed snow dodging bumps and trees while turning flips and twirls.

As exciting as it is, though, I think it's time to add some new events to the Olympic Games. I have a few suggestions that I'd like to mention just in case someone from the Olympic committee might happen to read this. Yeah, like that's going to happen.

New Olympic Game No. 1: Ultimate Fighting on Skates

In case you're not in the know about ultimate fighting, it's sort of an assortment of boxing, martial arts and wrestling. Two men get in a ring together and pound each other until one man is pinned to the mat. From what I can tell, the only requirements must be that at least one-third of your body must have tattoos, and if possible, a unique hair style and tough-sounding name, such as Man-eater between your first and last name.

In this event, a large circle is drawn on the ice where the two men begin their attack. Everything is allowed including the use of blades on the ice skates. If one opponent goes outside the circle, he is disqualified. Otherwise, the winner will be determined by causing his opponent to hit the ice so hard that it either breaks the ice or one of the men's bones. In the event of an excessive amount of blood being spilled, there will be ring girls outside the circle with large towels.

New Olympic Game No. 2: Blindfolded Pairs Figure Skating

This event will be similar to regular pairs figure skating, but in this event both skaters will be blindfolded. Instead of music heard overhead, they will each wear a self-contained microphone so that the skaters can sing duets, which will enable them to find each other on the ice. Because of the complexity of this event, there will only be two required elements concerning releases and catches. In the event one skater misses contact during said catch, points can be given for close proximity.

New Olympic Game No. 3: Raccoon Bobsled Racing

In this event, each team will be required to have one adult raccoon on board the bobsled in addition to the human participants. The raccoon will not be contained in any sort of carrier and at all times must be allowed to roam freely while zooming down the speedway. Participants are allowed to wear protective gear over their faces in the event the raccoon panics and tries to scratch their eyes out. Team is automatically disqualified if raccoon is thrown either intentionally or unintentionally from the bobsled.

New Olympic Game No. 4: The Polar Bear Swim Meet

This event will be held in an outside Olympic size pool, where participants will swim until some part of their body turns blue. Each swimmer is only allowed to wear swim trunks or a bikini, and the judges will examine each participant as they exit the water for degree of blue coloration. Colors will be judged according to a scale of pale blue to midnight blue, and points will be awarded accordingly.

New Olympic Game No. 5: Uphill Ice Climb

In this event, each Olympic contestant will start at the bottom of an uphill track. Once the signal is given, each participant will start the uphill climb to the top of the track. To give each climber a little more incentive, a piece of raw meat will be placed in his pocket. 30 seconds later, a hungry wolf will be released at the bottom of the track. Participant making the fastest time to the top is the winner. Or in the case of a mishap, the last one eaten is declared the winner.