Five Places You Don't Want to Be During a Blockbuster Disaster

With the release of what might be 2009's biggest disaster movie, 2012, plenty of people are probably starting to get a little paranoid about where exactly they can escape what seems to be becoming an impending apocalypse. Tiny hint: Apocalypse, by definition, implies "end of the world," so unless you plan on escaping to some off-world location, you're not getting away from this. There are, however, certain places you just don't want to find yourself during a disaster. Your chances of survival decrease exponentially the longer you stay in any of these places; I'm talking almost-certitude-you're-not-gonna-survive-here. Without further ado, here are the top five places in the United States you don't want to be during a disaster, particularly of Blockbuster proportions.

Grab your suitcases, folks, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

New York City: Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, Deep Impact, Armageddon,
Escape from New York, Cloverfield, Godzilla, Planet of the Apes, et cetera

The Bottom Line: Disasters ♥ NYC

The Main Line: Honestly, how many times have they rebuilt the Statue of Liberty? If you don't get an asteroid chunk to the brain, you might just get run down by Lady Liberty's disembodied head. If you manage to survive flying projectiles, hopefully you're a great swimmer. I don't know about you, but it scares the bejeebies out of me that a city like New York can flood so fast. And don't forget the gynormous, carelessly romping mega-monsters like Godzilla and the Cloverfield monster who have taken Babe Ruth sized swings at every skyscraper in the city. If you manage to survive all this, there's still the chance that you'll get blown to bits by aliens a la Independence Day, or served up brains a la mode by zombified "dark seekers" in the mode of I Am Legend. And of course, barring a fluke break out from a maximum security prison that's taken over Manhattan and leads to thousands of dangerous convicts hunting you down, you might just wake up to find yourself surrounded by damned, dirty apes while you scream yourself hoarse at the sight of, once again, the Statue of Liberty fallen. Then again, the Yankees won the World Series, so maybe you'll be fine. But don't risk it. Pack your bags, and say farewell to the White House as you scurry away from your Northern home. That's right, because the next stop for the world's destruction is bound to be ...

Washington, D.C.: Independence Day, Zombieland, 2012, The Day After Tomorrow, Deep Impact

The Bottom Line: Move the Nation's Capitol to Topeka, Kansas

The Main Line: I'm telling you, I don't know how they manage to keep the White House so clean in between all the alien attacks that seem to inevitably lead right up to its doorstep! Then again, after it got blown to oblivion in Independence Day, I'm not quite sure how it's standing at all. Aliens, apparently, really hate big white buildings housing leaders of nations. Which makes it not such a good idea to listen to them if, when they invade, they ask you to "take them to your leader." What's the point if they're just going to blow him and the building he occupies during office hours to bits? Along with aliens, residents of the nation's capitol will also want to watch out for more zombies, freak climate changes, tidal waves, asteroids, and ... oh, why not just move and save yourself the trouble. But if you move, make sure you avoid another location in ...

The Northeastern United States, Period: Every disaster movie, period

The Bottom Line: Your Chances are 1-in-a-Laughable-Degree-of-None

The Main Line: There's a disturbing trend I've noticed in disaster movies. Typically, when the United States is facing oblivion, the news reports that manage to keep playing despite the destruction of tons of other technology (apparently, the job you want during a disaster movie is "reporter"), run down a list of the cities that are destroyed. And when that list gets stated, the listing typically goes: New York, Philadelphia, the Northeast. Just excuse the fact that "the Northeast" is a pretty big place to get destroyed in a matter of seconds; in a disaster movie, it's going to happen. So if you start hearing news reports of alien invasions, a climate change that's going to send us into another ice age, or, heck, a really, really bad rain storm that's "unlike anything we've ever seen," you're going to want to pack up your bags and head to the Midwest (not California, trust me). Then again, you might want to head to the South, and avoid the Midwest, because anywhere in the Midwest is probably going to put you ...

Near a Cornfield: Every alien invasion ... ever

The Bottom Line: Creepy Corn ... 'Nuff Said

The Main Line: Okay, no offense to farmers, but I don't know why you'd want to live near a cornfield under any circumstances. You never know what's lurking out there, man! But if you want to take a guess, it's an alien. And here's the thing about cornfields ... they're everywhere. They're in the Northeast, they're in the Midwest, every place on the map that becomes completely and utterly unsafe during a disaster movie. I'm telling you, if you find yourself stuck in a disaster movie, and you look out your window and there's a cornfield waving at you, brace yourself for every Tom, Dick, and Horrifying Alien Life Form to come knocking at your door. An asteroid will probably take out your barn, too, because where there's a disaster movie, there's a cornfield, and where there's a cornfield, there's a barn to be taken down. If, as in the movie Knowing, a solar flare is going to take out the Earth, guess what it's going to use for kindle? If disaster is brewing, guess where the wind's going to signify a coming phase of your destruction? Just ... get away from the cornfield's okay. And now that we've ruled out the Northwest, you really don't have much of a choice but to move to either the South or all the way West. If you choose West, make sure it's Washington, Oregon, or Ala ... (no, strike that, Alaska's not safe either-night falls, vampires eat you) Just make sure you don't make the final mistake of heading to the city that's just the opposite, but just as doomed, as New York City ...

Los Angeles: The Day After Tomorrow, Terminator III, D-War: Dragon Wars, Earthquake, Escape from L.A., Zombieland, 2012, The War of the Worlds, every disaster film that destroys, or fails to destroy, New York City

The Bottom Line: You Might Wanna Move to One of Your Sister Cities

The Main Line: What a beautiful day in the City of Angels. Coffee brewing, flowers blooming, a tornado ripping through the Hollywood sign . . . Oh wait, that last bit is a slight deal-breaker, isn't it. Bad news for those of you who moved from New York to avoid the massive swarms of criminals; Los Angeles might also become a massive swarm of criminals. To make matters worse, it might just break off of California altogether thanks to a 9.6 magnitude earthquake. There's as good a chance of being attacked by nocturnal homicidal mutants here as in New York, and a greater chance of having your world totally rocked by a massive earthquake that will crumble the city right beneath your trembling toes. There's also a pretty fair shot that a murderous fleet of futuristic robots will come and try and destroy human life. And apparently the city is the home of both the Dodgers and some Dragon Wars. In case you survive all the previously mentioned disasters, watch out for random volcanoes that will arise to burn your fair city to a cinder, zombie clowns, and, as always, aliens.

The Bottom Bottom Line: You might want to consider moving to Canada.