Five Political Halloween Costumes

Halloween is only 4 days before the election, and what better way to show your support than to dress and act like your politician of choice? Here are five timely political candidates to wear Halloween costumes of this Halloween.

Joe Biden

To be Joe Biden, you have to use Crest White Strips 24/7 for a few weeks. Then, get a white wig that makes it seem like you have a lot of hair, even though you don't. Work hard to seem convinced that Sarah Palin was worth the breath it took to debate her. Wear an expensive suit and tie to remind people that you are an established member of the Washington elite. Decry your hometown of Scranton with one of the following descriptors: Hooverville, armpit of America, Tartarus, The Office space, godforsaken hellhole, etc. Smile pompously every time the camera is on you. Most important, when you talk to people, treat them like they are simultaneously clinically deaf and mentally challenged. I'm going to say that again: assume everyone is clinically deaf and mentally challenged. Did you get it? Let me repeat that...

Barack Obama

Who doesn't want to be Barack Obama? Barack Obama is charismatic, inspiring, and tall. To be Mr. Barack Obama, you will need fairly dark skin. (Note: This is important; you won't really look like Barack Obama otherwise, sorry). I'll let you figure that one out. Grow enormous hands and prominent ears. Wear a nice suit so you seem like an established member of the Washington elite, even though you're just a whippersnapper senator. Crest White Strips would help you here as well (no, I'm not advertising for Crest, though perhaps I should). Smile often. Mention impossible parts of your economic plan, like lowering taxes on 95% of Americans while dramatically expanding federal programs and spending. When you talk, act very passionate, and speak in short, abrupt sentences: "Now look, reader. I've outlined the steps it takes to become Barack Obama." Have enough arrogance in your smile so people remember that you're still a politician trying to obtain the highest office in the country off of their misfortune and desperation, which was caused by...

George Bush

Perhaps this is a better costume for April Fools. Oh well. To be George Bush, the most important thing to do is memorize a repertoire of "Bushisms," because I honestly don't think anyone else could truly make those up on the spot. Here's my personal favorite: "There is some who say that perhaps freedom is not universal. Maybe it's only Western people that can self govern. Maybe it's only, you know, white-guy Methodists who are capable of self-government. I reject that notion." Say "The Google," "nucular," and botch common phrases that your speechwriter encouraged you to say in some vain attempt to inspire hope in a beleaguered people. Oh, wear an "I'm with Stupid" shirt to draw attention away from yourself. Finally, when you talk, use a thick Southern drawl, laugh obnoxiously at inappropriate times, and adopt an indignant tone showing that you are not inept, just listening to God better than...

Sarah Palin

Ahh, Sarah Palin... You'll have to be a hottie, that's for sure. Sarah Palin wears nice skirts, nice red high heel shoes, and nice blouses. She has signature Tina Fey glasses, and brunette hair in an authentically Sarah Palin-esque style. You absolutely must use a faux-Canadian/Minnesotan accent (no one is sure what it is really). When you walk around as Sarah Palin, it's important to repeat "I can see Russia from my house" ad nauseum. This proves you're an expert on foreign policy. Of course, be wary of your Democratic opponent retorting: "Soon I'll be seeing Russia from Air Force One!" In addition, a Sarah Palin costume is not complete without... a rifle! I won't say you need one, but it couldn't hurt, right? Ask if you can call Joe Biden "Joe," and then mention "Joe Six Pack" forty times in a half hour. (Joe Six Pack is a guy who works out all day, I'd guess). Finally, to complete the costume, act cute and adorable when cornered (yes, I stole this from SNL, but it was hilarious). Shout forcefully at all Washington insiders that at the top of your ticket is a true maverick named...

John McCain

For John McCain, you will have to puff out your cheeks and dye your thinning hair white or wear a white wig. You should wear a military uniform too. When you approach someone, say, "I'm John McCain, and I'm ready for the winter," making sure your cheeks are sufficiently inflated. Only move your arms in a small imaginary box in front of you. To complete the costume, it wouldn't hurt to use the word "maverick" several dozen times in polite conversation. For the encore performance, don't hesitate to do your rousing rendition of a fan favorite: "Bomb Iran." And, as always, insist that you can't stay out too late or you'll get cranky. When your policies are called into question, remind the offender that you fought in Vietnam as a prisoner of war and suffered a difficult life from then on, living in only one of eight houses. When that doesn't work, suspend your campaign. Oh, one more thing: Crest White Strips might actually do you some good.

Now What?

Once you are in costume, you should try to use the above tips to show the world just how special your favorite politician is. For best results, get a bunch of friends and be all five politicans. Record and upload it to YouTube, and be sure to link my article as a reward for my help. That's called the "spoils system." It works. From me to all of you spooky potential leaders of our fine nation, I wish you a happy Halloween.