Five Really Bad Holiday Gifts Ideas for Husbands

The holidays. A season of cheer, a season of giving.
There is nothing in the world like getting a special gift from your wife. Your loving wife.
The one who has dinner ready on the table when you walk in the door after a long, grueling day at work. The one who puts up with your loud, freight train loud snoring, night after night after night. The one who allows you to watch over ten hours of NFL football every Sunday without ever complaining, and even offers warm, delicious snacks and alcohol beverages to you and your beer guzzling, full bellied, so called friends of yours, throughout the football season.
Yes, the wife. The one who always has the best intentions when she purchases those oh, so wonderful gifts for you during the holiday season. Sometimes though, the gifts aren't right. Sometimes, the package is opened, and what we thought might be a great gift, turns out to be this season's fruitcake. A kiss anyway. Thank you dear. Oh, a waffle iron. Thank you dear. I'll cook waffles for you every morning.
You get the picture.

Here is a list of five holidays gifts that a man will not appreciate for the holidays.

Bad Gift Idea Number one. The Tie.
No matter what you think. We hate it. No matter the color, the size, the cartoonish pattern, etc. We hate it.
Who the heck ever thought that a man should ever wear a tie. Had to be a woman. ' Oh it goes so well with your shoes, pants, jacket, eyes, etc." It doesn't. We hate ties. Any and all of them. Think they were made just so the wife can grab it easily, pull us over to the front window and say, "The yard needs cutting. Do it today!"

Gift alternative...A New Pair of Converse All Stars, or Nikes. Buy us the shoes and we'll cut the grass without ever being asked. Promise.

Bad Gift Idea Number two. Tickets to the ballet or The Nutcracker.
We hate the ballet. God do we hate the ballet. What looks like, could be a man wearing tights, but not sure, leaping around the stage, squatting, and doing splits that create pain just at the thought of the act. Painful. What's worse is the removal of the sunglasses before the performance starts, and being exposed to every other man in the audience as perhaps, a lover of the ballet performance. Painful.

Gift alternative... Tickets To A Hockey Game. We love hockey. The fights. The scoring. The fights. Love it!

Bad Gift Idea Number Three. Gift Membership To A Health Club.
What did one DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat? But seriously. We've gained a few pounds here and there since the wedding day. No problem. We like the extra pounds. We really do. Gives us character. And just because the aerobics or Pilates class is working so well for you (you look marvelous!), doesn't necessarily mean that we want to spend our mornings, evenings, or weekend time at the gym working off a few pounds, that took us so long to accumulate.

Gift alternative...A Brand New Recliner. Come on, you hate the old one. You always complain that the duct tape holding the darn thing together, clashes with the drapes. Some of the newer, space age recliners even have massaging, or magic finger elements for maximum comfort. Oh man, where's the clicker......

Bad Gift Idea Number Four. Gift Card For Bed, Bath, And Beyond.
This is really bad. Whenever we go there with you, our minds become slushy. We cannot wait to get the heck out of there. Good reason. Row after row of household utensils, bathroom accessories, and generally junky, dust collecting items that really don't interest us at all. What posesses you to think that we actually want to spend more than three minutes in such a place? And the gift card? Waste of money. You use it. The Cowboys - Eagles game starts in five minutes. Oh, and pick me up a couple double cheeseburgers on the way back. Love you dear....

Gift alternative...Gift Card For Home Depot. We love Home Depot. Tools, tools, and more tools. Machines that cut, hammer, and screw. We love screwing. You get the Home Depot card for us and we promise to re-model the kitchen like you've been asking for so long. As soon as football season ends.

Bad Gift Idea Number Five. Socks.
Not that we don't want some new ones. Not that half the socks we own are full of holes and were bought by our mothers when we were in our twenties. Just unexciting. Socks are well, socks. We'll open the package, do the ooh ahh thing, and politely kiss you, thank you, and put it in the pile of ties that we are just received. Thanks, honey.

Gift alternative...A Hat. We love hats. Especailly baseball caps with insignias of our favorite sports teams, or one with a witty saying. Why do we like hats? It kinda goes without saying that the hairline is receding. You mention it all the time. The hat hides the hair loss. Kind of like, I'm not losing my hair, can't tell, I'm wearing a hat.

So, there you have it. Five really bad gift ideas, and five alternatives, to make this holiday season the best ever. Wives, take care of your husbands this holiday season. Purchase the right gift, bearing in mind, that we're still evolving, and maybe someday, we'll be all that we can be for you. Honest, considerate, and always, always, your best friend forever.
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