Five Rules for Automobile Advertising

There are no get rich quick schemes for selling cars. There are, however, a set of rules for SUCCESSFULLY selling cars. A few of these have not been followed by some of the American can makers. Which explains the financial troubles they've been having as of late.

1. You are America's favorite.
I don't care how you do it, but you must find a way to work the words "America's favorite" into all ads. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. Most people don't care what a hemi is or know why it should be considered import. Some just feel that the popular choice is always the safe choice. Drive that point home by incorporating a flag in the background.

2. Local ads cannot be "normal".
Low budget car commercials are best when they are the most obvious displays of pandering on television. Used car salesmen should either dress as clowns to appeal to rich eight year olds who know how to drive. Have lap dogs to appeal to bony, zombie looking chicks who are famous for being famous. Add crazy in front of their name to appeal to everyone who buys a gremlin, and expects the thing not to break down within five miles of driving off the lot.

3. Sex sells..wheels.
If you're gonna use sexual innuendo to sell a car, you may as well go all out. Don't bother insinuating anything. Just give the cars names like "Big John Stud GTX', or "The Candy Deep-hiney Hybrid".

4. Never mention comp. by name.
This never ends well. What can you stand to gain from putting another companies name in your commercials? Look at what happens to rappers who who name drop. They either end up getting shot, or run the risk of becoming the victim of some scathing diss record that premieres on Hot 97. If ford thought hiring the likes of KRS-One to diss Chevrolet would boost sales, they'd probably do it.

5. Stay current, ya dig?
if they did end up paying KRS, it would be a waste onf money. Kids to day don't know who KRS is. kids today don't care who KRS is. Kids today want to know everything about Mickey Rourke, Gran Torino, How to get pregnant and everything else you might see on Ask.com's IQ page.