Five Steps to Truly Forgive Someone
While examining my own ability to forgive, I tried to recall times where I actually have told someone "I forgive you." Well, this did not work as I could not remember an actual time where I verbally expressed my forgiveness to someone. Does this mean I have not forgiven someone and have justified their actions?
To forgive someone means to let go of any resentment towards the individual. People really do not have to verbally express their forgiveness, although it is something to consider if someone asks for forgiveness. As long as we let go of our resentments and grudges we should be okay, at least with ourselves.
Learning how to forgive is crucial for resolving relationships and clearing the conscious. Here the steps to learning how to forgive those who have hurt us.
How to Truly Forgive Step 1 - Acknowledgement
The first step in learning to forgive is to acknowledge the fact that you have been hurt. Some of us with big egos may have to work on this because we may not want to admit we were hurt or that we can be hurt. The pain is already there and the first step in the forgiveness process is to acknowledge who, what, and how you have been hurt. Once this acknowledgement has been made, we can move to the next step.
How to Truly Forgive Step 2 - Be the bigger person
This step in forgiveness is to not wait for the person who has done you wrong to apologize. Instead, you should go and apologize first. Do not just apologize because you want to be first, but because you really mean it. A lot of the times people hurt someone because they have been hurt as well. If someone has hurt you because of something you did, you cannot expect them to come to you, so be the bigger person and apologize.
How to Truly Forgive Step 3 - Be patient
A lot of pain can take awhile to pass. You cannot expect the pain to disappear the moment you say "I forgive you." If your pain has turned to anger and resentment, get some counseling. This can help you understand exactly why this particular episode hurt you so much. It can also help you to understand why you are still feeling the hurt even if the incident occurred several months or even years earlier.
How to Truly Forgive Step 4 - Forgive yourself
Before you can let this person back into your life, you must be able to forgive yourself. This is probably the hardest step in the process because you have to be completely honest with yourself. You must admit to yourself your role in why you were hurt. There should be no justifications for what you did, but you must know that you contributed to your own feelings of hurt. You must pinpoint exactly what it was that you did to cause this person to hurt you. During this process, you must understand that your act was wrong but it does not mean you are a bad person.
How to Truly Forgive Step 5 - Set limits
When you forgive someone, it is hard to let the person back into your life completely. In order to truly forgive someone, you must set limits. Make the person promise they will not hurt you again. If they truly commit themselves to not hurting you let them back into your life. Take the process a step at a time. You can start out by only allowing a phone call once or twice a week. Once you are comfortable with them in your life, allow them to visit you periodically for short periods of time.
Understanding what, why, and how someone has hurt you is the only way to begin the process of forgiveness. You must acknowledge how you contributed to the person's reason for hurting you and might need to ask them for forgiveness as well. Taking these steps will help you to truly forgive those who have hurt you.
Published by Kristina Jones
Kristina Jones hails from Fort Lewis, WA where her husband proudly serves his country. She has a degree in Criminal Justice. She also has two young daughters and enjoys writing about almost anything. View profile
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- The process of forgveness requires self-examination.
- Do not wait for someone to ask for your forgiveness.
- Take the process slow and be patient.
36 Comments
Post a CommentSome of this "advice" is some really crazy bull. Step 4--"You must pinpoint exactly what it was that you did to cause this person to hurt you." WTF?! You don't always CAUSE somebody to hurt you. Sometimes crazy, ignorant people do crazy, ignorant things. They pick people because of their personal biases and psychoses. I'm not guilty that the guy next to me decided to try to get me fired because he personally hates women. And the advice--"apologize first." For what?! For being born as a woman? Or as a white person? Or Black? Or just human in general? I say, sometimes people do evil things, they will never apologize, they will give themselves EXCUSES as to why they did the evil things they did, and you just have to let them die--and go to hell!
Hello, If anyone man or woman betrays you once, they will more than likely do it again. Don't give them a second chance especially when it comes to infedelity.NEVER. You the guy masturbating with some girl friend. Yes I am with your girl friend no contact and never see her again. I might be a little off in th eyes of some of you but grow the hell up. Men like to use such lame excuses when it comes to sex, I don't care about animals you are an adult so act like one. The girl is a desperate low life just wanting to have sex to validate her self at the girl friends expenses what a slut.
Excellent piece on forgiveness. Something so many people struggle with. I too was one of those people for many years. Thanks
Forgivingaperson,mustbethinkyounotme,Iamnotyou.
What about the person who is waiting to be forgiven. How long should they put up with the resentment and the angry words? Being forgiven also has its stages.
it took me a while before i discovered in myself that i wanted to forgive my ex best friend. i did went through so many of these and bit by bit, it helped me. thank you
i think that all things are forgivable, but i don-t agree with the 5th step, the one of leting the other persone come back into your life. If i can forgive the fact that my ex=best friend is now with my ex boyfriend and both tring to act all nice to me, is one thing, i can forgive both, but i don-t want them any closer, so i don-t know if that is really forgiving. What do you think??
Daniel, even if you are not married, if you have been with this woman for 18yrs and you love and are committed to her then you should definatly break all ties with this other woman.
I don't think it is always appropriate to let someone back into your life in certain circumstances. For example, if a person who claimed to be one of your best friends manipulates you and tries to steal your husband, it would be a bit foolish and unhealthy to put yourself in a position for them to do it again.
I think the hardest thing is knowing what is forgivable. I don't know if I will be able to forgive my boyfriend for some of the things he has done. But I want to try. At this point, I don't know that I should forgive him, he has hurt me pretty bad. I think it comes down to trust, and with time we maybe able to rebuild our trust in each other. Until then, forgiveness is a long way off.
PS Daniel,
If she is uncomfortable with you continuing to see this other woman, then you should respect that, or else you should find a new girlfriend. I know exactly how she feels. Even though it may hurt to say goodbye to a friend, it is a consequence of your actions and the boundary she has put up in order to trust you again. I don't know if it is "right", but I understand why she feels that way and if it were me I would do the same thing.