Five Surefire Steps to Defuse an Atomic Bomb: Practice Homeland Security with Your Own Two Hands

While you never plan to stumble upon an atomic bomb that is charged to release an explosion, sometimes things happen in your day that you could not have foreseen when you lifted yourself out of bed in the morning. Taking a quick minute or two now to figure out how you would go about defusing an atomic bomb could someday permit you to become a hero if you should ever be thrust into the situation of having to become a one-man homeland security force who bravely faces potential harm from uranium radiation in order to ensure the safety of his community.

Call the F.B.I., if Possible.

They will deploy N.E.S.T. agents. Often in movies, action heroes deal with grave threats to homeland security by flexing their muscles and acting like brave vigilantes. However, an atomic bomb is not something that the average citizen needs to be fiddling with. Trained experts have both the knowledge and the equipment to pinpoint a strategy for defusion that is likely to save the lives of thousands upon thousands of citizens. A department of the United States government called N.E.S.T. (Nuclear Emergency Support Team) is especially designed to tackle such situations. If you contact an operator and ask for the F.B.I., N.E.S.T. agents will be dispatched to the location of the bomb. These agents are equipped with portable x-ray scanners, gamma and neutron detectors and a vast communication network that have a history of reducing the odds of bomb explosions. Making this call will only take a few minutes, and the time these guys can save you in taking this bomb apart will be worth the wait.

Take a Look at What You're Dealing With.

Atomic bombs are not made the same way that cars are; they are not routinely-assembled in the hundreds of thousands, but rather are built in small quantity. Therefore, they are less likely to come packaged with user manuals, especially if they're assembled by a ill-funded terrorist group. On top of this fact we must recognize that terrorists or other challengers to homeland security may decide to booby trap their bomb's wiring. Afterall, this is what they do in movies. So while a general knowledge about nuclear bombs is useful, what we are most interested in is what makes the atomic bomb you're dealing with different from others?

Disassemble the Detonator.

For some people, this is probably child's play. For others, this is probably the most tense step in the whole defusion process. Connected to the bomb's detonator should be a battery and timer; if you cut a wire leading to the detonator directly from the battery and timer setup, you should theoretically render the entire bomb impotent. I repeat: THEORETICALLY. Perhaps, though, this bomb has been booby-trapped, and an explosion is triggered once it is tampered with. (Once again, this is a good reason to wait for N.E.S.T. agents.) However, atomic bombs are expensive investments costing millions of dollars apiece. It stands to reason that even if they are built by crazed-extremists, they will probably feature relatively simple override mechanisms. Thus, money will not likely be wasted in one massive accidental explosion. So, at least the basic laws of economics are probably on your side.

Take Apart the Bomb's Explosive Elements.

You will need to be careful here, and gently lift out the explosives as you would a spare rib from a patient in the Milton Bradley Operation game. First, of course, locate the explosives. A conventional explosive charge will be located in the center of the atomic bomb, beside its detonating head. Of course, this may vary according to where and by whom your atomic bomb was made. While a conventional explosive is (in theory) safe to handle, you may not always be dealing with a conventional explosive when you defuse an atomic bomb. Therefore, use gloves.

Prevent Toxic Levels of Radiation from Being Released by Pulling Out the Bomb's Uranium Components.

Uranium is the most expensive component of an atomic bomb, for a reason. The enriched type of uranium that is used inside of a nuclear bomb is unique and can create a very powerful explosion if it meets with another particular type of uranium. Both parts are commonly used as a part of an atomic bomb. They are deadly when they come into contact with each other, but if they are kept apart they are not fatal. Nevertheless, you should still wear a gloves to handle them, because you certainly don't want to get uranium particles in your eyes. Why make your life any more complicated? One last piece of advice: contain these pieces of uranium close to where you found the bomb and let police, N.E.S.T. agents, or F.B.I. agents arrive to remove them rather than to transport them yourself to police headquarters. You certainly don't want to be mistakenly accused of violating a homeland security ordinance of some sort and get arrested.

When In Doubt, Try.

Don't be paralyzed by pressure. The best you can do is your best. If you make an effort and you fail, at least this is better than doing nothing and simply waiting for the bomb kill thousands in its explosion. If your efforts pay off, maybe you'll even win a medal of valor, or at least maybe free tickets to Disneyland.