Five Ways to Be Romantic

Here's how romantic love can be more fulfilling in marriage than ever:

1 Break the Rules.

"Routine kills romance because the human animal gets bored very easily. That's why we love surprises and adventures," explains Helen Fisher, author or Anatomy of Love. "If your love life is in a rut, try something new, break some habits."

Married for eight years and the parents of a five-year-old girl, Dana and John terry had little time for romance until Danna had an inspiration. One Friday she told John she was going to pick him up at work and take hiem to lunch. "I kidnapped him instead," Danna says laughing. Arranging for her mother to watch their daughter, she whisked her husband away to a romantic weekend.

"John loved it ! We had a wonderful time," Danna recalls. And her boldness inspired her husband to get creative in return giving Danna a candlelit breakfast in bed and leaving love notes when he goes on business trip.

If the rule in your marriage is that your partner always makes the first romantic move, you should break the rules. It's important to take the initiative.

If you encounter resistance, that just means you haven't found the right idea. Keep experimenting.

2 "Connect" Each Day

"While we would all like to think we can be passionate when the urge strikes," says Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage and family therapist and author of A Woman's Guide to changing her man,"that's hard to do when you have children and a job. You have to schedule time for sexual intimacy."

Protect that time from all instructions. Tell your children to respect a locked door or plan for them to be elsewhere. And remember to turn on your answering machine.

And even greater problem for busy couples, though, is their lack of connection during the day. "If you are not talking with each other, not spending time with each other, it become awkward to all sudden grope for each other in the middle of the night," Says psychologist Lonnie Barbach of the School of Medicine at the University of California San Francisco. "You need to first do all those things that help you connect emotionally. A good sexual relationship comes out of an emotional connection."

How to make the connection? It's usually the little things you do Cindy Lajoy of Colorado, thinks her husband, Dominick, is the most romantic man alive.

"He'll get up early to do laundry so I can sleep late," She says, "He'll go with me to a crafts show even though it bores him stiff. Those acts shows me that he cares-they beat a dozen roses."

3 Make A Date

When Jennie and Matt Kasindorf moved house, Matt an advertising executive, suddenly had to communicate am hour each way to his job. Sometimes he didn't get home until 9 P.M. After the birth of their daughter a year later, the formerly carefree couple hardly ever saw each other.

The couple decided to find a regular baby-sitter and set aside every Saturday night to go out, "Having a specific time to be together really improved our Marriage," says Matt. "Now I have something to look forward to on weekends- a date with my wife."

Jeannie adds, "On Thursday, I start thinking, I tow more nights, we'll be together!' when it's time to go out, I get dressed up, put on lip-stick-it's fun."

If life's demands are forcing you to put your marriage last, schedule time together with your partner. "Even if you don't talk about anything very profound," says William Jdoherty, Director of Marriage and Family Therapy Programmee at the University of Minnesota, "these dates can be powerful because you know you are doing it to maintain your relationship."

To get creative "date" juices going again, New York psychologist Peter Franekel of Ackerman Institute for the Family suggests that during the week both partners write down ten things they would like to do. "Then, do at least one thing on each list.'When you find yourself in the pizza-and-a-movie rut, you can always look at the lists and pull out an idea to jog your memory."

4 Express Yourself

"I used to expect John to read my mind," says Belinda Brasley of New York." I wasn't telling him what I needed, and I expected him to guess. Then when he didn't guess right,I 'd be disappointed.

Many marriage partners hesitate to tell their mates what they would like romantically, thinking, if I have to tell, it's no fun! But without communication, each partner flounders around in a hit-or-miss fashion, trying to figure out what will please the other. She is disappointed because he got her daisies when tulips are her favorite; he keeps choking down that same old cake she makes, but after ten years, he's too embarrassed to let on he hates it.

"Partners have to express what they want, what they feel and, more important, what they think the other one wants. If she says 'more intimacy,' he has to ask what that means to her. Sometimes if you check out what you think the other wants, it's a great revelation," advises Richard C Richards, professor of philosophy at California State Polytechnic University, Pomona.

Nowadays Belinda is much more upfront about her needs, and she has become a much better listener as well. "We've discussed what romance means to each of us. So now it's not a big surprise to John what I think flowers are a waste of money. He knows I'd rather go for a walk with him," he says.

5 Create a Litter Tension

"Passion is heightened by tension created when you have to overcome implements. It gets your energy up and helps you be creative," says psychologist Lonnie Barbach.

Phil and Candace Benoit discovered this after Phil took a job that forced him to live apart from Candace for a few years. They only see each other tow weekends a month. Although both are lonely and counting the days when this exile can end, they have been surprised to discover how the separation has recharged their marriage.

"We don't waste time arguing. It's enough just to enjoy each other's company," Phil says. "I look for gifts I know she'll like and surprise her with them. I call just to tell her I miss her. Being apart makes me appreciate the little things, like the way Candy cocks her head when I've done something she thinks is funny."

Sometimes it can be fun to set up temporary obstacles. If passion has been flagging, designate an "every thing but..." night when you may do anything sensual you want except have intercourse.