Five Ways to Ruin Christmas

If I were some sort of anti-Christmas killjoy and wanted to ruin the holiday for all, just how would I go about doing it? Seal up all the world's chimneys with cement to make things hard for Santa? Impose a 99% tax on Zhu Zhu Hamsters? While those measures would undoubtedly make for a great deal of turmoil come Christmas, neither is actually feasible. Instead, here are five ways to ruin Christmas that anybody can perform without excessive effort or expense.

5: Start playing Christmas music the second Halloween ends. There was a time when stations that played Christmas music actually waited until AFTER Thanksgiving to start playing it. Even then, they didn't go completely overboard. They would sprinkle some Christmas tunes in with their regular music, adding more Christmas music as December 25^th approached. Then a station or two would play Christmas music exclusively on Christmas day. Instead of this controlled approach, find those stations that begin pumping out Christmas songs on 12:01 a.m., November 1^st and keep playing it until even the most die-hard Christmas fans want to hurl their eggnog.

4: Put up your Christmas decorations way too early. So, the last trick-or-treater has just left your house and is on his way home to begin a sugar-filled night of unhealthy indulgence. Time to relax, put the candy away, and start thinking about Thanksgiving, right? Nope. Time to start stringing Christmas lights! Nothing will sap Christmas spirit like seeing all those flashing harbingers of the holiday a full 54 days before Christmas arrives.

3: Focus solely on gifts. Sure, getting presents at Christmas is nice. I enjoyed this more as a kid, but I still like getting Christmas presents. However, the legion of shoppers that descend on Wal-Mart, Best Buy, and other retailers on Black Friday are generally not out there with warm feelings for their fellow man in their hearts. Instead, these door-busting consumers are looking to grab, shove, spend, and conquer. If presents become all that Christmas is about, we can call it something else. "Giftmas", "Spendmas", or even "Greedmas" would be more fitting alternatives.

2: Pretend that Christmas isn't a religious holiday. I have no problem with Santa. I think he's an awesome guy. It's a lot of fun to believe in Santa as a kid and can be very exciting(or terrifying, depending on your temperament) to go see Santa at the mall and tell him you what you want for Christmas. However, Christmas is not actually a holiday celebrating Santa and his elves. It is a holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. Making Christmas out to be some sort of Santa-themed, warm, fuzzy day of generic goodwill is an excellent way to ruin Christmas.

1: Don't actually say the word 'Christmas'. If you substitute boring, generic, drippy phrases like 'Happy Holidays' or 'Season's Greetings' you will help avoid offending those weak-hearted souls that will undoubtedly suffer permanent physical and emotional damage from hearing the word 'Christmas'. If you have to refer to Christmas day itself, simply call it "December 25^th". This will avoid all those messy associations with the person whom the holiday celebrates. If you're lucky, 'Christmas' will be merely an afterthought in the same way 'Independence Day' has popularly become known as 'The Fourth of July'.

If all you readers out there follow these five simple steps, ruining Christmas shouldn't be hard at all. Wait a minute...It would appear that it's already been done.