Five Ways to Survive the Upcoming "Great Chicago Blizzard of 2011"

If you live in the Midwest, you're probably out somewhere stocking up on canned goods and shovels waiting for the biggest snow event to happen since...well the East Coast blizzards from last week. Here in Chicago the front page of the Chicago Tribune pretty much says the city is about to be obliterated and we're all going to die.

People are all over this on "Google" waiting to see if this is going to be the big deal all of the forecasters are predicting or if it's going to be much ado about nothing and we're going to end up with about 3" of snow. The buzzwords:

Snowpocalypse
Snowmageddon
Tsnownami
Blizzaster
snOwMG
Snowprah
Chlizzard

So since it's the end of days here in Chicago or as I like to call it, "Jersey's Revenge" here's five ways to survive the Chicago Blizzard...

Stock up on things you actually want to eat for the next three days
I don't know what it is about disasters, but it makes people buy a lot of bottled water and Tuna. Chances are, if you are snowed in for an extended period of time and you have a spouse, barking dog, small children, teenagers, mother in law, etc. you would want to feel as little as possible. So I suggest maybe stocking up on boxed wine and cheetos instead. Just as non-perishable, but way better.

Shovel regularly so you don't have a grabber
Don't be "that guy" that they report on as being a 'fatality of the biggest snow storm since Wednesday' if the snow is going to fall at a clip of three inches an hour, you better not wait to get out there and make a dent in it. Especially if you're over the age of 40 and your diet consists mainly of Beer, Bacon, and Marlboros.

Blizzard Babies Happen
There's going to be a bumper crop of kids born in October and November because of this thing. Especially "oops" babies because while you may not even entertain the thought of having 'relations' any other day of the week...people start to look good after enough wine, boredom and time in captivity. If you do not want to welcome a bundle of joy right around the time all of this starts up again, plan accordingly. Like now. You can't get to the pharmacy in 35" of snow.

This is the perfect time to catch up on movies/TV/books/grooming
Not like you're going to be doing anything else.

Don't go anywhere
Unless you're a surgeon and lives are at stake if you don't leave your house...DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. You won't get anywhere, and there's nothing you need that badly. Just stay home. Please. Don't be the person we're all laughing at stuck nose down on an embankment because you're dumb enough to drive in this madness.

So there you go...how to survive the greatest blizzard ever. Hopefully Chicago will still be here if we don't wash away in the 18ft waves predicted on Lake Michigan. Not that it matters...wake me up when it's March.