Five Worst Movies of Summer 2009

Consider this a private service announcement. I am doing you a favor by recommending you spend your ten dollars elsewhere than on these five turkeys which may or may not be currently playing at your local Cineplex.

You're welcome.

Whatever Works

Terminator Salvation

I Hate Valentine's Day

Orphan

Land of the Lost

Sources

Internet Movie Database - This website was used to verify that the actors and/or directors named in each summary were cast members of the respective films. (www.imdb.com)- Finally we arrive at part three of "Remake Hell". At least the people involved in this mess admit they were using previously created source material for this heap of garbage. This is a simple case of strong players having a bad game, though Will Ferrell may want to consider doing a movie that doesn't involve him stripping, making obscene sexist remarks, or describing female genitalia while exposing his own genitalia. Danny McBride will probably not list this on his resume as his fine career progresses. I almost asked for a refund but the high school kid in charge of refunds looked like he was having a bad day so I let it pass. - In the second part of the diatribe against originals passing themselves off as remakes Peter Sarsgaard and Vera Farmiga put on the Gregory Peck and Lee Remick robes for this D-rate version of "The Omen". And "The Good Son". And "The Bad Seed". I'm not trying to be cruel but maybe there's a reason these kids are stuck in orphanages or foster care. Any parents who take the previous comment seriously and want to spew forth vitriol about my propensity for extreme meanness can forward their correspondence to File 13.- I actually do hate Valentine's Day, or any holiday that was created strictly so neighborhood Hallmark stores could stay in business. I also hate movies that pass themselves off as original works when they're clearly remakes. Nia Vardalos uses makeup for the entire movie in this version and John Corbett isn't sporting the bad haircut but it's My Big Fat Greek Wedding and don't let the naysayers tell you different. - I know what to expect in this kind of movie, or any summer blockbuster for that matter. Anything can explode will explode. Christian Bale has traded the mommy issues and lesbian undertones of Laurel Canyon for the glamour of kick-a** action movies. The man has to make a living. But why do I have to sit through nearly two hours of confusing shots and bad angles? It wasn't easy. The parties involved should have stuck to the playbook of the first two installments of this series. - Larry David stars a creepy misanthrope who tries to get into Evan Rachel Wood's pants. Believe it or not, this Woody Allen-directed piece is not semi-autobiographical. It's not even about Mr. David, the creator of Seinfeld. It's just a simple reminder that Woody should go back to Europe where he made recent movies that were worth sitting through.