Flag Pins: The Only Issue that Matters

We face serious crises in this country: war, terror, economic collapse, attacks by wolves. By the grace of God and the wisdom of a few wealthy white men a couple hundred years ago, we are granted the right to march forth every four years and choose the government that will shepherd us through the dark times and into a glorious new future. This year, some may go with Barack Obama and his mandate for change; some may opt for John McCain and his commitment to "country first"; some may vote for Bob Barr, for reasons that are unclear as of press time.

But today I want to talk to you about what I'm going to base my vote on. It's an issue simultaneously simple and complex, reaching out from our hearts into every facet of the political landscape. It's more important than the lives of our soldiers, than working families, than energy reform, than health care, than the education of our children. My fellow Americans, I urge you to base your vote this November on one thing and one thing only: flag pins.

You all know what a flag pin is. Combining the essential pointiness of a pin with the crucial flagness of a flag, a flag pin is a small metal object that one wears on one's jacket to prove one's suitability to be elected to higher office. Flag pins are not only a mark of patriotism but of experience, leadership and general trustworthiness. When I stand in that voting booth and reach out for a lever, I'm not going to be selfish. I'm not going to think about my lost job, my starving family, or the bills to pay for my cancer treatments. I'm casting my vote not for myself but for America, and that means a vote for flag pins. Things like the tax code and the Constitution can be taught after-the-fact by advisors and Cabinet members. But personality as expressed in flag pin form, that's something you're either born with or you're not. I don't trust a candidate who doesn't know his way around the flag pin issue, and neither should you.

But these are imperfect times and the flag pin is no longer the one-stop indicator it should be. Did you know that Barack Obama was once in the national spotlight specifically for not wearing a flag pin? Did you know that John McCain neglected to wear a flag pin at this year's 9/11 ceremony, even after Obama had gotten with the program and was sporting a flag pin in true not-hating-America fashion? Without the clear choice of one candidate who wears a flag pin and one who spurns the flag pin in order to hate freedom, democracy may indeed fail.

And we can't even turn to our third parties, our grassroots heroes, to keep the majors in line. Ron Paul outright refused to condemn Barack Obama for flag-pin-related issues, even when pressed by the national media. (Say what you like about the Fourth Estate, but their anchors always seem to wear flag pins and have very nice hair.) Bob Barr keeps a 7-foot Statue of Liberty in his office, and yet has been seen numerous times without a flag pin. Where does he really stand on the issue of patriotism? Is he trying to have his cake (or apple pie) and eat it too?

So we cannot cast a glance over one flag pin with an uncritical eye. We must inform ourselves about each candidate's position on flag pins, and if we do not agree with the direction of our government as expressed in flag pin terms, we must protest. This country was founded on the basis of government by the consent of the flag-pin-supporting governed, and when Betsy Ross sewed the first American flag lo these many years ago, she did not do it so its cheaply manufactured pin-form equivalent could be reduced to a second-class issue. Ask not what your country can do for you; ask how it can do it whilst wearing a flag pin.

I know these are hard times. I know that we have become distracted by stock market fluctuations and mass layoffs. I know that "Joe the plumber" has a right to be concerned about his business. But couldn't he have gotten in a follow-up question about flag pins? Why was the flag pin, so respected a topic in the primaries, forgotten about in not one but three televised debates? Is this really the best we can offer history? That America, in its hour of need, turned to day-to-day issues and let the flag pin fade into obscurity?

A flag pin. It's small and it's easy to sweep away with a careless brush of the hand, but if we don't hold onto it, we lose the America it represents. Expect better of your leaders. Weigh each candidate's employment of the flag pin, for as the flag pin goes, so goes the nation. Remember, flag pins: your key to quality leadership.

We have one chance to get this nation on the right track, and we must employ a flag-pin-based initiative if we are to have a country worth reducing a flag to convenient pin size over. Fancy speeches and well-thought-out policies are all very well, but a flag pin says more about character than anything else. If one picture is worth a thousand words, then one flag pin is surely worth a lifetime. After all, Adolf Hitler never once wore an American flag pin, and you don't like Hitler, do you?

Make your vote a vote for flag pins, for the flag pin will never steer you wrong. This November, let freedom pin.