Florida Sucks

Florida was built on swamp land by drugs. Well Miami anyway was an overall creation of the cocaine boom, which isn't a complaint of mine, but does give a basic set-up towards whether or not I am going to be getting positive or negative in this article about the state. Drugs are bad kids. An interesting documentary about my opening statement is entitled Cocaine Cowboys, rent it. Now let's get on with other things.

The first thing I noticed driving to Florida was the roadways. My internet directions were useless against the confusing blabber of road signs. Streets tended to have several names each and long straight stretches of highway would suddenly change in name without a single crack or bend in the pavement. Add to this all of the road signs on which the Highway Patrol is threatening you and driving gets a bit intimidating. They might as well take down all of the signs telling you how much they will fine you for speeding, no seat belt, construction zone fine, littering, not changing lanes when a cop is on the side of the road, and voting for someone without the last name Bush, and just put up a bright yellow diamond that says: "We're going to fine you!" Or better yet the could just save some court time and build "fine" booths along all routes.

The Florida police of a popular city, Tampa Bay, pulled me over for a traffic stop when I was walking down the sidewalk! I was walking the concrete, taking in the sites, sipping from a bottle of soda, and here comes the flashing red and blue along side of me. At gun point I was escorted down the street and back to my car by a no nonsense female cop and what appeared to be a elongated male prune. Once at my car I was put to my knees with the barrel of a gun put to the back of my head by the female, while the male searched my car. The female told me that they had received a report of a suspicious man walking in the neighborhood with a gun. When I asked them "Did someone see me drinking out of the gun?", I thought she was going to shoot. Finding nothing in my car they asked to see my id and registration. I handed them some papers out of my glove box and they looked them over and then confessed to me they had no clue what a Missouri registration would look like anyway. Yeah I came from Missouri: the 'Show Me State". So would they show me why I was treated in such a way? Basically they told me I needed to leave town and they did not want to see me again. Be careful where you drink your Mountain Dew in Florida.

What about Florida's beautiful weather? Muggy. California can have desert heat and other places get hot as well, but Florida gets so humid the windows are covered in the moisture and you cannot see out. This makes the place a breeding ground for mosquitoes bigger than you! Yes, you the supposed overweight American, there are mosquitoes that put you to shame in the tonnage department, and might I add they ride in on killer alligators to eat you! Perhaps someone who is not American is reading this, heaven forbid an article of mine spread out beyond any borders, and so my directing an exclamation may have left some out. However, place of origin does not matter when it comes to what is going to eat you in Florida, all meats are equal; did I mention the fire ants?

Let's go to Disney World! Where we can sacrifice our children to a large mouse. Disney World was a huge disappointment for me. A bunch of ride through the tunnel stuff looking at mannequins and then the actual decent rides having lines stretching all the way across the nation to Disney Land; where is the end? Disney park officials were harassing me all day. When I decided it was a hot day and it was my duty to spray the group of Brazilian tourist with my water bottle, that was strike 1. Then, I wanted a picture to remember going down the log flume ride, where they snap a photo as your log boat drops down a hill. Being a brave soul I took both hands off the grips and flashed a double "bird": strike 2. During one of the famed laser light parades, one of the mascots, The Big Bad Wolf, threw a punch at me. It was a random playful gesture I guess in intention, however, he wasn't so kind when I played along and sent his nose springing to the side: Strike 3; it was time to leave. Disney World: where's the fun?

I left Florida driving non-stop in the middle of the night. There was no way I was spending another night in a hotel that smelled like dead fish. The state is not like the "boot heel" off the US. It is more like a turd dangling off the rear end of the country, desperately trying to shake it off into the ocean. Once I was safely in Georgia I dared to stop for a nap at a roadside park. However, the nightmares of Florida followed me and gas burned quickly with my pedal to the metal, and the Florida Highway Patrol could eat my dust.