Fluffy, Guilt-Ridden Omelets

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Take three eggs from the refrigerator unless you own hens. If you take them from hens, be very careful - they tend to have tempers.

Crack an egg and separate the yolk and the white. Now you have yolk, white and shell. Discard one of these. I'd suggest you choose the shell.

Repeat the process on the remaining two eggs. You will achieve the best results from choosing to discard their shells, as well. I'm just saying.

Beat the whites until stiff white peaks appear. If you got your eggs from the refrigerator, you can do this either by hand or with an electric mixer. If you got them from your hens, have one of your kids do that while your spouse attends to your wounds.

Now it's time to beat the yolks. If you wisely avoided owning live chicken, then no wait time is needed between the last step and this one. If you were foolishly talked into it, wait for your blood to clot or ask another one of your kids to do it.

Gently fold the beaten yolks into the fluffy whites. Do not stir. If you do not know how to fold them in or what I mean by folding them in, then you probably don't do much cooking and most likely do not own live chicken. Call your mom. She'll tell you.

If your mom was attacked by your hens on her last visit and refuses to take your calls, here's what "folding" means: with a spatula, bring the bottom of the mixture to the top slowly. If your eggs come from the refrigerator, be prepared to hear her complain that you never call her.

Locate a skillet that can hold the fluffy mixture. Your mom probably owns one, but since she still hasn't gotten over being attacked by your flock of chicken, she probably won't loan it to you.

Heat the skillet on medium high and add a pat of butter. Heck, use Pat's butter if you have the key to her house. Go ahead. I won't tell you stole the milk fat.

Delight in the sizzling death cry as the butter melts. There isn't a court in the land that will convict you of liquefying it. Hey - it was either you or the butter - and you better believe that if the butter had the chance, it would do the same to you.

Now put the fluffy mixture in the skillet. Hopefully you chose one big enough, otherwise you'll have a big mess on your hands. Your mom could have told you that, but you never call and you never write to her.

Soon, the bottom will brown. Don't panic. That's what it's supposed to do. When will you take your doctor's advice and stop drinking so much coffee?

Add a few fillers. Cheese is good. Ham? Sure! Add a vegetable or two to keep your mom and doctor happy.

Now gently fold it upon itself so it looks like a half circle. The key is to do it gently. Otherwise, you'll slop half-cooked egg froth all over the place. If that happens, borrow your neighbor's dog and let him lick it off your floor and cupboards.

After it's cooked a bit, then flip it so the other side cooks. Once it's done, it should be at least two inches thick - the same thickness as your skull, according to your mom.

Place on a plate and eat it in front of the chicken coop so the violent chicken can see what you've done. Taunt them and enjoy taking revenge for making you bleed earlier.

Unless you got your eggs from the refrigerator.