Food Review: BRGR

BRGR
Neighborhood: Manhattan/Fashion District
287 7th Ave (between 26th St & 27th St)
New York, NY 10001
(212) 488-7500
http://brgr.us/

Nearest Transit:
28th St-7th Ave (1)
23rd Street (PATH)
23rd St-8th Ave (C, E)

There's nothing better than to wake up in the arms of a stranger and ask yourself two important questions: How much did I drink last night and what's his name again? Once you get over that hump, the next two obvious questions arise: Where are my pants and would you like to grab something to eat? Nothing can make or break a one night stand 'the morning after breakfast/lunch vibe" than choosing the wrong establishment in order to explore the possibilities. BRGR on 7th Ave is not the place to introduce the flame of passion onto an already cooling pile of coal.

I went to BRGR (if they can't even take the time to spell out the entire name, then I shouldn't bother stepping my flip-flop wearing self inside) this afternoon with my New York City best friend Nate. The previous night, Nate and I had a crazy fun night catching up, drinking and dancing. He listened to me yak about the guy I'm dating--and after making numerous "vomiting sounds" he expressed his happiness, "It's about time you landed some schmuck."

I stayed over and this afternoon we grabbed a bite to eat at BRGR on 7th since it's on the same block as his rehearsals (he's a musical director) and he's been wanting to visit. We walked in and the place was "happening" with pop songs and tourists galore. It's as if Britney Spears and *NSYNC--circa 1999--died and went to burger heaven and the only people allowed inside were from Germany and Iowa. The menu wasn't appetizing--but it did spark the curious "foodie" inside me, "What the hell is "fresh cut onion hay?"

I ordered the: The BRGR with grilled onions, herb-mayo, lettuce, tomato, and pickles and also a huge stack of onion hay. Nate ordered: The BRGR with grilled onions, BRGR sauce, lettuce, tomato, and pickles with an order of fries and a drink. And as a special treat I ordered 3 of their chocolate chip cookies because they looked amazing.

Customer service was great. Kimsha (#411) was very patient when we made our selections and she offered to put my cookies through a heating mechanism to make them warm and gushy. Oy, I can't remember when someone offered to put my cookies through a heating mechanism! But complain #2 (because #1 was the menu not being appetizing) was that the total was $28.77. Now, I'm no cheap bastard, (I wear $67 dollar flip-flops and spend more on my hair care products (THANKS MAYRA!) than a normal person should) but 30 bucks for 2 burgers, fries and onion hay (WHAT THE HELL IS ONION HAY?)!

As we made our way through the spacious joint with our number 46 sign--they gave us a number on a stand to place on our table and promised to bring the food over--we found an empty table next to the soda fountain machine; I chose to sit here because I wanted to see what the beverage of choice would be for the tourists. What? Don't judge.

Once seated, I read a sigh across from me that said something like, "We don't precook your order, in fact we don't even start cooking until you place your order." I thought to myself, "Great, Paco and Jose are slow as it is...all I need is another excuse for my expensive food to come late."

A few minutes later, Kimsha walked over with my warm cookies. I attacked the sweets like the McCain party attacked Obama's celebrity. The cookies were delicious. They were moist and bursting with chocolate chips. Each bite caused me to have a mini orgasm (I never though I'd have an orgasm in front of a German crowd--but as they say, "Never say never). Ten minutes later a guy with a long ponytail carrying our order walked by and dropped our food in exchange for our #46 sign. I looked down in complete disappointment. What the hell is this? It's the smallest burger (excuse me, BRGR) I've ever seen. I've seen Brooklyn rats bigger than this. I then glanced over to my onion haystack and I discovered "thin sliced fancy onion rings." I want to cry.

We eat the food with sad overtones playing in our mind, body and soul. The food was not worth the wait, the money nor the German orgasm experience. The burger was a bit dry and the herb-mayo was like regular mayo with Mrs. Dash sprinkled in. I tasted Nate's stuff and it was the same disappointing taste experience. I reached for my fork and stabbed my onion hay and I can honest say I'd fight a horse for his afternoon meal over ever eating this stuff again. Even with a coat of ketchup and mustard, this stuff was pretty mediocre. Complain number #3--food did not live up to its abbreviated name.

"If you never want to see a guy again after a one night stand, I'd bring him here," I said. Nate agreed as he cleared the special BRGR sauce off his cheeks. "Yeah, the portions are small and disgusting, the guy will think that's a reflection of his soul," Nate chirped. The place has the potential, the space itself is quirky with its push-button wall, exposed brick, and high ceilings, but the food could use an intervention. I would never go back in again unless it's "one night stand time and HE pays.