Foods I'd like to See Deep-Fried

Summer's here, and it's time for the fair. State fairs, county fairs, any of these can offer some good clean fun. And some greasy, calorie-packed, yet curiously delicious foods. Lots of people try to deny enjoying these foods, but I think everyone has at least one weakness. Like the funnel cake. Or those hot little donuts that come in a bag. Or corn dogs.

Now I love fair food occasionally, but I missed a few years of attending the fair. From the time I graduated high school until I graduated from grad school, I really didn't go to any fairs. I don't know why, I guess maybe the fact that basically every night and weekend that I wasn't in class I was working at my dead-end, thankless job. But that's another story for another day. The point is, when I actually got the chance to attend another fair, I found out that things had changed drastically. I walked by the food stands and felt like I had just woken up from a one, two, maybe fifty-eight year nap. All of the classic fair foods were still there, and that was comforting. All of the food was still ridiculously overpriced, and most things still contained more calories than a healthy person consumes in an entire day. But the vendors had really decided to throw some crazy into their food ideas, and I couldn't believe that people were buying this stuff. Some of my favorites were:

Deep-fried twinkies: This one is actually pretty good, providing you enjoy both twinkies and fried greasy stuff. But let's be honest, if you don't like fried greasy stuff, you're probably not going to want to eat at the fair. At least not the ones I have been to.

Deep-fried snickers bars: (and pretty much any other candy bar you can imagine): Like the deep-fried twinkie, this is also pretty good if you enjoy candy bars (are there really people who don't?) and fried greasy stuff. I can't bring myself to eat these because I feel fatter just looking at them, but I've heard they're pretty good. Unhealthy stuff usually is.

Pickle sickles: According to my older sister, who is older but not always necessarily wiser, pickle sickles originated in the southern United States, where they were sold to grade school kids at little league games. They are popsicles made of frozen pickle juice. I don't know if this was originally geared towards children or pregnant women in their cravings phase, but this sounds disgusting. I am not brave enough to try these and I probably never will be.

Pork chop on a stick: It's just a regular old pork chop. Someone stuck a stick in it, though, so that's kind a bonus. Other than convenience, I'm not sure why this one is even around.

Cookies in a cup: This is a cup of hot, smashed up cookies. Again, I'm really not sure about the functionality of this one. Maybe you just feel better because since the cookies are smashed up, you don't know how many you're actually eating.

Okay, so when I initially saw these foods being sold, I thought they were pretty out there. But after giving it some thought, I think I can add to this list. So, here are my suggestions for more fair foods:

Deep-fried cotton candy: I took the deep-fried trend and really ran with it. I enjoy cotton candy, and I enjoy greasy fried stuff, so by logic, shouldn't I also enjoy deep-fried cotton candy? I guess if this were true I'd also enjoy orange and pear pizza, and when I tested out this theory last spring it was incorrect. But I really think this deep-fried cotton candy thing is worth a shot.

Deep-fried deep-fryer crumbs: I think Long John Silver's already makes these, and people seem to like them, so why not bring them to the fair? They could put them in a giant cup for easy portability.

Shots of deep-fryer oil: Forget the whiskey, we'll just do shots of deep-fryer oil. It's cheaper, and the vendors can recycle their used oil. Come on, you were going to eat half a gallon of this in all of the other fried foods, anyway, so why not? Maybe we'll even get an oil bong.

Beer sickles: We'll just adapt the pickle sickle for adults and whip up some beer sickles. Your beer would be cold all the time! That would be great!

Bucket O' Cheez Whiz: This one speaks for itself. It would be a giant vat of cheez whiz. You could either eat it with a spoon or drink it through a straw.

Chocolate Covered Pork Reins Covered in Peanuts: Just keep calling me a nut job. We'll see who's laughing when I cash in big on this one!

And there you have it, carnival vendors. There is my wish list for next year's fair. Now get to work on it!