Football Rules Changes

Nobody has asked me, in fact people rarely do, but I am not easily discouraged. Therefore, I think it is time to change the rules in football. Here are the new rules:

If you are kicking a team's butt and are ahead by 21 points at half-time, you can only have nine men on the field in the second half. The other team can have 12.

Penalties should be like hockey. If someone has, say , a holding penalty, they have to sit out for four downs and the other team gets a man advantage.

If the kick goes over your head and goes into the end zone, why should you get an automatic 20 yards? That's nonsense. The ball should be on the ten yard line, not the 20.

I hate field goals. Two teams pound each other for four quarters ( which makes a dollar) and then the field goal kicker comes on and decides the game. They need a new rule that a field goal can never win a game. This means a sliding point system. If your team is ahead by two points, a field goal by the other team can only be worth one point. If the game is tied, no field goals are allowed. You have to score a touchdown to win.

No more extra point kicks. How boring. They make them every time. You have to run or pass the ball to get that extra point.

If the other team tackles your quarterback in the end zone and gets a safety, they do not get the ball. You have to start on the one yard line and they can get as many safeties as they want, or else you can dig yourself out of the jam. Kinda like real life, when your back is up against the wall, you gotta dig yourself out.

There should be errors in football. Just like in baseball. If you make an error in baseball, the other team gets on base. So if a receiver drops an easy pass, his team should be punished and backed up five yards.

Why are penalties always even numbers? Five, ten yards?. There should be a sliding scale. If it is holding, but not blatant, instead of ten yards, only penalize the other team 7.5 yards.

In hockey if you are losing by one goal, you can pull your goalie and add an extra offensive player. If there is one minute left in the football game and you are losing, you can add one extra player.

No more fair catches. If you are scared of getting hit, don't catch the ball. Let it bounce. What is all this hand waving? Catch the damn ball and run. Why should you be rewarded for not running?

Bring back leather helmets. I have no idea why, but the concept amuses me.

Half the game is intimidation. The quarterback should be scared of getting hit. Heck it is FOOTBALL! So eliminate all these fancy flak jackets the QB wears to protect himself. Those flak jackets take away the intimidation factor.

Bring back tear-away jerseys. If you can't make a decent tackle, the guy deserves to get away.

Add time on to the clock. I took this idea from soccer. As if I even understand soccer. Millions of years of evolution and we have opposable thumbs which set us apart from primates and they invent a game where you can't use your hands? Please! But no more yardage penalties. If you get a penalty, the other team gets an extra offensive play at the end of the game. If you have ten penalties, the other team gets ten extra plays. Let's say you have ten penalties called against you and the other team has eight called against them, which means they get two extra plays.

Every player has the same number. Again, I have no idea, but the concept amuses me.

The quarterback cannot stand behind the center. He must stand to either one side or the other. This will make snapping the football exciting, not automatic.

You can have as many men on the line or in the backfield as you want. This is America, it is a free country. You want ten men in the backfield, you take the consequences.

Bring back the flying wedge. I know, I know - you have heard this before. I have no idea, but it amuses me.

You commit a foul in basketball, you get a free throw. If you commit a penalty in football, the player you fouled, gets a try at a field goal. If he makes it, it is one point.

Put the goalpost in the first row of the stands. This will make field goals harder to make and create fan excitement.

Three players on both teams have to be " iron men" and play offense and defense all game.

The team with the cutest cheerleaders gets seven extra points. Hey, this is a very sexist rule, but I am all for it. And the cheerleaders showing the most skin when they are playing in Green Bay in December gets extra points for either bravery or stupidity. Or frostbite.

The team with the most celebrities in the stands that that the TV cameras can pan on, gets an extra seven points.

If a team goes an entire month without one player being arrested, they get to move up one rank in the standings. Thus a fifth rate team automatically advances to fourth place.

Any football player that can actually name the commissioner of football earns a chance of a real job when they blow out their knees and the league casts them out to actually fend for themselves.

If any obnoxious football player dumps Gatorade on the poor coach when the temperature is below 40 degrees, the entire team is punished and must begin the next game with a seven point deficit. In other words, the score board automatically reads minus seven.

The last chance gasp. If your team is in last place, you get to play one game against the winner of your division. If you beat the top dog, you make the playoffs.

Okay - I have many more ideas for improving football, but I must quit now and go sit by my phone. The commissioner is going to call and tell me I am a genius. I'll just sit here and wait.