For Baby Boomers Only

The discoveries over the span of the last century have been amazing - computers, microwaves, cell phones, television and a host of other medical and scientific breakthroughs. The other day I was thinking about how the human body works or doesn't. As a member of the early baby boomer cohort, I am beginning to recognize that my body's functioning has been taking some dramatic turns lately.

I think that my DNA and the hormones, pheromones and other moans are playing with me and have been for a long time now. I wonder if it is becoming apparent to others of the baby boom generation. Here are a few instances.

As a young man in my very early teens, I couldn't wait for the appearance of some body hair. It conferred a level of maturity that I dearly wanted to attain. What did my DNA do about it? Absolutely nothing. Those little skinny strands of muck conspired against me and must have been laughing as they denied me the presence of even a few hairs to sport around the shower room after football or baseball practice. A few years later they attacked me with a vengeance and in addition to adding some manly hair to my chest they decided to expand the growth to my back which has been a constant source of irritation for years.

I can hear the little hair DNA's talking now. "Hehe - remember when he was young? We really screwed with him didn't we? It was fun, but we haven't done much lately and this is getting boring. Let's move some of that hair from his head. We can make it look like he has a little naked beany there."

"What else can we do?" "Hmm - I know let's move it to his ears." "That will drive him nuts!" Hey and let's turn all of it gray."

Other little strands of DNA must have been listening to these guys because other things have been happening that have changed since my earlier years. Long ago, I remember sitting in junior high school class dreaming about the girl sitting beside me when all of a sudden those DNA guys must have gone on alert. They moved 90% of my blood to a single extremity. Then, just to be comedic, I think those guys jumped outside my body and caused the school bell to ring so I had to get up and change classes. They must have thought that was real funny as I positioned my books to cover the offender.

The other day when I wanted the blood to move to that same extremity I heard them talking. "Hey you guys - alert, alert. He's getting ready to make a move."

Several of those little blood DNA guys have gotten lazy lately and a few said, "We're not going! Tell him to just take a nap" It took a bit of prodding, but they finally did respond. I can here them once again laughing and talking. "Hehe - that bothered him a bit, didn't it? Well, that's what he gets for eating that pizza. He should know it gives us heartburn. Maybe next time he'll give us a bit more notice."

Those little brain DNA guys have been screwing with me lately too! Once again I have a sense of their conversations.

"Hey, I've got an idea, let's erase all memory of where he put the TV clicker. C'mon it'll be fun. Remember last week when we erased the location of the car keys and the week before when he was supposed to pick-up coffee at the grocery store and came back with everything but what he went to get?

We'll have to be careful though, he is getting a little paranoid about this memory thing."

Finally, I think there is some competition going on between several of the DNA strands. One group said I should go to the gym and get some exercise. Maybe play a little B-ball with that younger group. I heard them loud and clear, "Hey you still got the moves. I'll bet you could run circles around those guys." I didn't quite run circles around them, but I did acquit myself quite well and felt good as I came home and shared the news with my wife.

It was then that the other DNA strands took over. "That fool, what does he think he's doing? He could'a hurt something bad. Let's give him a little reminder about how to treat us respectfully." Aches and pains suddenly came out of nowhere and I felt crippled for several days. That had never happened in years past.

I just know it's the DNA and those pesky little hormones that are screwing with me. I'm gonna sit down have a little drink, chat with those guys, and then I think I'll take my afternoon nap.