For Busy Parents with Teenagers

I am hearing more and more about runaway children. I can't imagine how much pain the parents must be in, I am not here to blame or criticize, I want to help, as a parent and a psychology specialist. I have 2 teenage boys and they never ran away, even though I was a single mom.

Neither one of them ever! talked back to me, slammed their door or did anything that most children do these days, I am sorry for your troubles, I know the whole government and their laws about spanking, I am against spanking myself, but sometimes nothing else works, and if you don't instill love, respect, and yes, fear (and I don't mean abuse, there is a huge difference) in your children from their youngest years... problems will inevitably rise when they get older. Did you ever talk to your child what can happen to them when they are alone in the world, did you explain the consequances and the pain, or did you just ground her/him and forbid your child to do anything kids consider fun?

Children are little grown ups and they don't want to be treated like they are dumb. They need things explained and demonstrated. I am not a judgmental person, my post is not about your specific case, but it is a post about parents, who let the computer or television be the baby sitter... because they are too busy doing their own thing, and then blame others for things they miss or neglect to notice.

Yes, it's so painful to have your children run away or get in with the wrong crowd, or when they are distructive and school and cause trouble, you are worried and frightened what may happen to them, and you probably subconsciously feel like your child is ungrateful for everything you try to do for them, but what do you really do ?

Children need parents who are there, who listen, who take time to encourage them and to teach them, to go places with them as a family. Parents are so busy working these days they give themselves excuses and say it's for their kids, but is the nice car you drive for your kids?and the payments for this car among other nice things you have? for your kids?

I am not talking about your case here, just in general, I can't say anything about your family or your parenting skills because I do not know you, I am just expressing my thoughts and my knowledge as a psychologist and a parent. I spent time with my children, each day after work... my world, my every minute, revolved around my darling boys, we did a lot together, we cooked our meals together, which taught them cooking skills as well.

I taught them to bake, from scratch, to knit the dough and let it grow, to peel potatoes and how to cook them, to make a steak, bake a ham, how to steam vegetables so they don't loose their nutrients, when we went shopping, I taught them how to pick the best meats, veggies and fruit, "and why" is this the best. Kids are curious, they are constantly learning, no matter how old they are, look at you, you are how old?, and you are still learning, we are responsible for the little people we bring into this world, when we teach them to do things, they deserve to know "why" not just "how."

They didn't ask to be here, they didn't ask to be born, you brought them here out of your own free will and desire to have a child. It is not a toy or a chuchkie you can put aside when you are bored with it, it is the fruit of life, a God's Gift, a blessing... you will be responsible for the way your child turns out no matter who you'd like to blame.

WE PARENTS ARE THEIR TEACHERS. I couldn't teach my sons what a father would, but I know they were happy anyway, because my love, my time, my total devotion for them was theirs, I left home issues at home, and I left work issues at work, I never said I can't help them right now because I am too busy, I said, if you help me with this* I will help you with yours. We underestimate children, everyday, and they feel left out, neglected, ignored, even unloved, because we make them feel like our problems/issues are more important than theirs. We make them feel unimportant.

* they have wonderful ideas, give them a chance, show them you care about what they think, make them feel valuable, trust them, you want them to trust you, treat them the same.

I worked with children as a counselor a few years back, troubled youth. I heard what most parents do and the consequances of their ignorance, their actions or even lack of interaction with their children. Kids start to look for love and attention from someone else, and they will take it from anyone they can get it from. Parents. I don't mean to sound harsh. I know there some of you who are just trying to make ends meet, some of you are working 2-3 jobs to make it, you come home exhausted and you know tomorow will be the same.

But please, your children are your joy, your love, please... will it make it easier on you if they feel neglected and unloved and end up with the wrong crowd because they were willing to pay attention and listen? Take a minute to revise what you have been doing up untill now. Don't try to be all attentive now, and make up for it, but do make sure if they say "mom?" or "dad?" make sure you pay "full attention", don't rush them this is your moment to be their for them, so be sincere, make sure they know you are there, you never know what they are trying to tell you, it may be just something meneal, or it could be very important, if it's important enough to them it should be to you.

You are the one they love and trust. Don't brush them off because you are busy. If you are folding the laundry, tell them to sit down and put the basket between you on the floor sometimes as you fold, they will feel compelled to start folding too, it will make it easier to talk, some kids like doing something with their hands, some don't it doesn't matter, the laundry will not run away, your child may.... if it's something they seem very serious about, (it doesn't matter if it's serious to you, it is to them) stop what you're doing and give them full attention. They deserve it, and if you don't, "someone else will" listen, the problem is, is that the person you would want to listen to your child.

Even if you're on the phone, if you see your childs concerned face peek into your room and then disapointed turn around and leave, tell your friend/customer/boss/on the line you will call them back later, because at that moment, you just may be leaving your child on it's own with something they finaly got the nerve up to come to you with.

Have your eyes and years opened. At all times, pay attention, no one knows them better than you, no one knows their facial expressions, whether they are sad, or happy, if something is on their mind, you will know, because they are your babies.

Please walk in on them, when they are on the computer or phone, even listen in on their conversation, don't let them know, they hate that, and if they find out, say it's because you love them, don't attack them and yell if you find something wrong, it's the wrong! approach... and if you catch them at doing something wrong they are scared, or jump, take them to another room and tell them about weirdos pretending to be someone else, men or women pretending to be their friend just to get information, to lure them out, tell them what happens to many young people their age, explain, demonstrate, don't just get into a yelling rage and forbid them to do things, you were a teenager too, do you remeber how it feels?

These people/friends are their people "who listen to them", their problems, their sadeness, they don't care why they listen, they just listen, they take the time for them, and even if they are pretending to understand, to your child they "seem to understand them" so take a different approach.

And mothers, if you have a promiscuous daughter, who wears a lot of make up and sells her self behind your back, please write to me if you need advice. I typed a lot...lol, I AM JUST TRYING TO HELP, it breaks my heart to see parents AND CHILDREN go through this. No one gives us a book or a tape with instructions on how to deal with our particular problem, our special, individual situation. Contact me, I can't type anymore...lol sorry.

Best of luck and my love and heart goes out to you all who are dealing with busy or neglectful paarents, or rebelious children. Remember all it takes, is your love and your devotion. Kat