For People Who Think They Know, but Don't Really Have a Clue

Someone got me to thinking about something tonight. As a mother of three kids I simply want to address some things that bother me. Now this is no offense to people without children... A lot of you guys are great (my friends being some of the greatest!). I do not think I'm Martha Stewart or Mother Theresa because I'm a mom, but there are some things that some childless people do that really get under my skin...

First things first. DO NOT stare at me or my tantrum throwing pre-schooler in Wal-mart parking lot as if you think I'm a) kid-napping her/him b) beating my child or c) should be giving the child a good butt blistering right there in public. First of all children throw tantrums, most often in public places because of many reasons. Sometimes they are tired. Sometimes they are overstimulated by the unfamiliar surroundings and noises. Sometimes it is because they know that mommy and daddy are less likely to enforce themselves in public because of paranoia and embarassment... and they take advantage of it. In short a tantrum is thrown for either a) because they are feeling uncomfortable and are not emotionally mature enough to know how to express it properly, or b) they're not getting their way so they are switching to more drastic measures in order to get their way, and because of the environment they know they are more likely to get away with it. The fact that my child is screaming means nothing more than, they are an ordinary child that is expressing displeasure over something in the best way they know how. It does not mean that I am a terrible parent that has done something to make them scream at me. As to spanking them right there in public, it is my job to correct my child in a loving and constructive manner. Embarassing them is not in the least constructive nor is it loving. For the kidnapping part... I know that this happens a lot... but if a person has a cart load of three kids that all bear striking resemblance to the person accompanying them... quit being paranoid and go about your business.

To those of you without children who believe you have good parenting advice because you baby-sat a lot, had lots of little siblings, work in a daycare, or because you watch Oprah or Dr. Phil...STUFF IT! The bottom line is this. Taking care of your own children is different, and before you protest otherwise let me say that parents are the only ones who have a leg to stand on to argue this point, simply because they've experienced both sides of the coin. You have not. And I have not met a parent yet who will disagree with me. It is one thing to care for a child for a LIMITED amount of time and quite another to raise that child day in and day out, with no comfort that someone else will eventually take over and give you a break. Not to mention children ALWAYS, without fail... no exceptions... behave much differently in the presence of someone else than they do with their parents. Any success you've had in caring for a child has most likely been a result of responding to a different face. Think about it. You act differently around your friends vs. people you don't know very well. Children are nothing more than little people that are still learning how social and family structures work. They're still learning where the boundaries are and seeing just how far they can push them... ESPECIALLY with their parents, because they view their parents as the ULTIMATE authority figures in their lives. Parents can supercede anyone else when it comes to what the child is supposed to do, and they want to see just how firm that boundary is.

Any parent worth their salt has been reading parenting books, soliciting advice, trying new ideas, implementing those that work, and discarding those that do not. Children are not drones. There is no one tried and true method of parenting that works for all of them. Children do not come with an instruction manual or an explanation of their individual personalities. Parenting is on-the-job training solely... and the minute details of the job description change day by day as the little person grows and develops, sometimes minute by minute. The fact of the matter is that the advice you have to offer, in all likelihood, is something they've already tried. The reason I say this is because any parent worth their salt is constantly doing in depth research about parenting. Why? Because any parent worth their salt feels the burden of responsibility for the life of this little person on a soul deep level every second of every day. They shoulder the over-whelming burden of the child's life, growth, emotional and social development, education, care, financial security, emotional security, spirituality, physical and mental health... and whatever other aspect that makes up a child I may have failed to mention. Any parent worth their salt knows that even their smallest decision can affect their child, from buying a $.50 candy bar instead of an apple to snack on, up to paying bills on time or going to the mall to splurge because you can't be bothered that the water bill is coming due, by golly you deserve to have that new pair of shoes you saw. When it's just you, you're the only one you have to think about. So when you buy that new pair of shoes instead of paying the bill, you're the only one without water. When you have kids... they get to pay for your frivolty too. You learn just what it means to be responsible for someone else. And if you're mature, you do not bemoan how unfair it is that you have to become so. The way you treat other people, the words you speak in front of them, the activities you engage in... every little thing you do... every little course of action you take has consequences for your child. It's not about you anymore. It's all about them... and they are watching... and learning. And since most of us parents are imperfect people to begin with, the burden is extra heavy when we make mistakes or when we are criticized. Until you have your own children, and know that you ultimately will be held responsible for that child's life from birth until death... do not presume to tell me how to do my job as a parent. Anyone else who is a seasoned parent, understands the responsibilities and frustrations... I am open to suggestions anytime you have them. Is that discriminatory? No. I think it's just practical.

To those of you young people that seem to think your friend with a kid is no fun anymore because they can never go out... be thankful you are still care free. And instead of griping about never having fun with your friend... why not offer to baby-sit so you're friend CAN go out for a bit of fun... or here's a concept... maybe offer to help pay for a baby-sitter so they can go out with you! If you're jealous because the kid has become more important to the person than you... GROW THE HECK UP! Of course the kid is more important... it is their child... a human being that is their responsibility! I mean really... do you think you would have been happy if you're parents had thought going out and partying with their friends was more important than taking care of you? Get over yourself! Quit being selfish and offer some support... You might find your friend has a bit more time for you with the proper amount of help and kind words. You may not like that your friend has changed now that they've become a parent. Having a kid changes you. It changes your outlook on life and what's important. You can either adapt and keep a good friend or be an idiot and alienate them just because they don't fit in with what you think they should be.

Here are a few other things...

Do NOT offer financial advice. You have no clue the cost involved in taking care of a kid.

Do NOT ridicule a parent if they've made a mistake... they're human beings for God's sakes that are learning as they go. If you think you could do better... trust me... you can't.

Also no offese to parents with only one child. Been there and it's not easy. Raising a child or children, period, is not easy. But don't act like your job is as difficult as a mom with three or four kids. The demand and cost of caring for more than one child doesn't just multiply... it grows exponentially with each child you have. I have three... and I will not presume to think that I have anywhere near the difficulty that my sister-in-law with 10 has.

Rants are unusual for me... but I feel this one has some merit.