For Single Women with Cats - Here's the Truth

That's right, ladies, today I'm talking about your little ball of precious and the disturbing bond you "share" with him. You know who I mean - the 'boyfriend substitute'. The one who sits in the window sill, soaking up the sun, silently judging with those cold, dead eyes. And don't forget licking itself. All day with the licking and the preening in defiance of nature! Why do you care how your fur looks??? Are you going on a date?!

I understand, ladies. I know it's been a while since you've shotgunned a pitcher of margaritas and hit the clubs to find your soul-mate. Sometimes it's just easier to curl up with your favorite boys Ben and his silly friend Jerry, watch Steel Magnolias and have a good cry, wondering all the while why no quality guys can appreciate you for your belly flab and complete lack of ambition. At times like that, it must be nice to have a living creature around who brings you unconditional love. Someone you can cuddle with that will expect nothing in return.

There's just one problem, ladies. YOUR CAT DOES NOT LOVE YOU. At best, all he can muster is a mild indifference, which really feels about the same as being sleepy. All that cuddling he just loves to do? Guess what - he's not cuddling. You're squeezing him so he can't get away. What? You think I'm crazy? Then let's conduct a little experiment. Put little Fluffy down. That's right, release your death grip and let him walk around a little. Now go open the front door. How long did it take him to bolt from your presence? About a second and a half, right? Yeah, thought so. Your cat sees you as a convenient way to be fed on a regular basis. All this love you shower on him, it actually kind of embarrasses him. He'd rather clean his plate and spend the evening somewhere not-near you.

So, please, as a request from men everywhere, stop talking about your stupid cat. The only men that can successfully pretend to care are comatose, and trust me, they're really screaming inside. The rest of us can feel the cat stories coming, and the moment you start driveling about how Mr. Jingles can tell when you're lonely, our eyes glaze over and we go to our happy place (mine is in a giant pool of olive oil with Scarlett Johannson). And when you say, "He's the sweetest thing and just loves to cuddle my face and I just love him so much and....." what we hear is "Please run away and never call me ever."

I'm just saying.