For Those Who Have Thought About Suicide

There was this singer who name was Phyllis Hyman who made a really bad decision in her life, she decided that her life was not worth fighting for so she took a bottle of sleeping pills and drank a bottle of Vodka.

Phyllis had a beautiful voice and she was a very beautiful tall statuesque model and she could "sang." When I use the word "sang" I really mean "sang." Phyllis sung love songs, she sung about making changes and believing in yourself, but she could not reinforce in herself the words she belted out so melodically. Phyllis is remembered for songs as Living All Alone, Old Friend, I Refuse To Be Lonely, Gonna Make Changes, Prime Of My Life and many more.

Phyllis was given the name "Sophisticated Lady" because of her role and Tony nomination in the Broadway Play, Sophisticated Lady.

Phyllis also suffered from depression, low self-esteem and it was also rumored that she was Bipolar, had bouts with alcohol and issues with her weight which made setting goals and keeping them probably to her impossible. Phyllis crawled into that black hole and did not crawl back out, she did not see a light at the end of the tunnel.

When I look at pictures of Phyllis and I listen to her music I cannot imagine why someone so beautiful and talented could have low self -esteem. Phyllis Hyman could mesmerize people when she was on stage because of her beauty and her voice. Her beauty and sense of style would make you glad you had the privilege of this Diva entertaining you.

When I listen to her at home, my family and friends have made the comment to me, "How can you listen to her songs, she sounds so depressed." However, to be a true fan of Phyllis Hyman would mean appreciating both her songs of happiness and her songs of sadness. It could also be because I could feel her pain. There are two songs in particular that I listen to because I am determined to beat those voices inside me that are whispering, "give up, you're useless." Phyllis reminds me that we are all precious human beings and once we are gone, we leave people saddened because of the loss of the space we once possessed in this universe.

The first one is "Gonna Make Changes." It talks about how with her singing, she had finally arrived and how she had a made a good life for herself. She sung about how she had got it together and that she felt mighty strong, making a better life for herself. She wanted to share her good fortune and she was going to make changes for the people she loved.

This was a positive song but like with all her other songs I could relate to what she was singing about. Phyllis wanted to make a difference, but at last the demons she was fighting was too strong. She was an advocate for the AIDS fight, the devastation this disease had affected her deeply. If we are fortunate we all come to a time in life when we decide it is time to make positive changes, especially if we were once someone self-destructive.

The other song that affects me deeply is "Prime Of My Life." This is also a song that was suppose to be at a time when Phyllis had finally got it together. She sings about finally facing her demons and how she was finally believing in herself. She thought that she was at a new beginning in her life and she was in the prime of her life, (she was 40 at the time she committed suicide). Her lyrics talked about finally finding direction in her life. Her voice was strong, she said she was growing stronger, moving mountains that were standing in her way. She had come to appreciate herself as a human being and was comfortable with her talent and beauty. She sung about there being nothing in life that she could not do, she was up for the challenge of anything.

I believed that when she recorded this song she truly believed the words she was singing but something went terribly wrong. Maybe it was the death of her mother and grandmother dying so close together, or seeing AIDS patients in pain fighting for their life, maybe it was because her marriage had gone bad or someone had recently broken her heart or maybe it really was she was mentally ill. The only thing that is not a maybe is that Phyllis could not take anymore of what life was giving and she decided it was time to take the pain away.

Lack of self control and making bad decisions have plagued me all my life. I never looked before I leaped when it came to my finances, getting married, having children, I could go on and on but what good would that be? Why keep beating myself up over and over again, thinking if only I did this, or if only I did that. That is just like looking in a rear view mirror while driving a car steadily looking behind instead of concentrating on what's in front of me, and making a conscience decision to learn from my past mistakes.

These bad decisions have made me in the past hate myself and not liking the person that I was or things about my looks only exacerbated the thought that the world and my family would be better off if I did not exist.

Phyllis was alone in a hotel room when she gave into those thoughts of suicide and, when I am alone now and start to think negative thoughts I find something to do positive. This could be prayer,bible reading, being with people who are positive people and who strive to do positive things for their life and the people around them.

A couple of months ago I was in a hospital bed fighting for my life because of a serious Lupus episode and I wanted to live because life really is a gift. The lyrics from "Prime of my life," for me is so true. "I'm in the prime of my life, and there's nothing that I can't do, I can't lose. I'm in the prime of my life growing stronger, every day moving mountains standing in my way."

Every time I tackle a problem and look back on it, it makes me stronger and more confident that with God's help I can tackle the next problem. For anyone who may be in a point in your life where you feel like giving up, DON'T DO IT!! Next year at this time you will look back and that problem that seemed so insurmountable will be like a fly that you flicked off your wrist.

Phyllis left a lot of fans who loved and miss her, I know I do. If you decide that your life is not worth fighting for think about the people who you will leave behind, left confused and in so much pain wondering why you did such a thing.