Forced-to-Have-a-Birthday-Party-Blues

This was left as a comment on another birthday related article. If you have a question for The Modern Manners Guru you can also visit my profile page and send me email directly!

Q: I am turning 60 years old. I do not and have never liked attention brought on me, and especially at 60 years old. A friend commented that she wanted to throw me a party....I said no I do not want a party. I had been so looking forward to just doing something on the weekend that I would enjoy, and now I am told I cannot because someone planned something for me. I do not want a party or anything that would draw attention on me. I am not looking forward to being 60, and my husband knew how I felt. I was so looking forward to not having to watch grandchildren and just enjoying the 1 day in my boat on the lake, as our weather has been just crap. I am so upset about this. My husband did not do anything to stop this person and I am annoyed with him also. He said I am acting childish. Is it wrong for people not to respect your wishes?

A: I also hate celebrating and being the center of attention. It was even worse for me this year as I turned 30 - already divorced, no career goals, and still being called a complete loser by my father. You can imagine that the BIG 30 was not my idea of a wonderful milestone.

In the future your best bet is to tell your friend, "I appreciate that you wish to celebrate this milestone with me, but I would be much more comfortable with just a few close friends doing _____". You can sometimes stop this by planning a lunch party - where just a few of your friends get together and have a Dutch lunch. Just be sure to tell the wait-staff that you don't want any attention drawn to your birthday. Your friends can beg but the restaurant will not do anything - not since someone sued a Joe's Crab Shack for embarrassment! This usually works for me to stop people from planning big parties.

For your current situation you best bet is to tell your friend that you really appreciate that she wants to spend time with you but that you have other plans already that you were really looking forward to. If she has already sent out invitations and you cannot back out just be gracious, smile, and leave as soon as you can without insulting your guests.

As for your most important question - "Is it wrong for people not to respect your wishes?" Especially when you are talking about friends and family it is NEVER wrong to expect them to respect your wishes - especially when you respect theirs. You are not being childish for being upset that your desires and plans for your birthday were ruined. You should tell your friend that you are really upset at her for not respecting your wishes to not have a big party. You should also speak to your husband; tell him that while you understand a birthday - especially a 60th birthday - is a big deal for him you really don't feel like celebrating with a big party. You can have a wonderful party just between the two of you doing what you love and it would mean more to you than a huge party with friends. If neither one can at least admit they made a mistake in not honoring your wishes you may need to look deeper into your relationships. Is a friend really a friend if they can't honor the simplest request?