Forget Your 'Honey-Do' List. It's Time for a 'Do-Better' List

We are all familiar with the infamous 'honey-do' list. The never-ending litany of minor projects and chores that people (usually wives and girlfriends) create for each other to do each weekend or day off. But beyond the typical chore list, most couples also have another list, an emotional 'honey-do' list of sorts. The emotional 'honey-do' list is often an unofficial list of character traits and annoying habits that you ask your spouse or significant other to work on in order to improve the relationship or make you happier. The list of do's (and sometimes don'ts) that we think if our partner would just abide by we would have a more loving, fun, romantic, enjoyable (you fill in the adjective) relationship. The problem is that when we focus so heavily on what the other person must do for us, we often miss out on the opportunity to learn how we can create the relationship we desire by simply creating our own 'do-better' list for ourselves.

The trouble with focusing on what your partner should do or could do is that you are not in control of those things. That 'honey-do' list is really one of the ways in which couples relinquish control and responsibility for their relationship happiness. Often you find yourself fighting over these issues in part because you are frustrated with the lack of control you feel in your relationship. It is as if your happiness and well-being are no longer related to you anything that you do.

Imagine for a minute that you wanted to lose weight and get healthier but your weight and health was dependent only on what your spouse ate and did. If they eat at a fast food restaurant every day, you get the fat and calories. If they choose not to exercise, you become less and less fit. How would you feel? I would be money that you would be angry and resentful because they were making choices that made you feel bad and there was nothing you can do to fix it.

Thankfully that's not how it works. If you want to eat healthy, you can. If you want to exercise, you can. Now we all know that losing weight and developing a consistent fitness plan is much easier with the support of a loved one. If your partner decides to eat healthy with and meet you at the gym every morning, then you are likely to reach your goals more easily and stay with that new lifestyle. But if they don't, you can choose to commit yourself to being healthy anyway and succeed.

Now relationships are not quite as simple as that but you can create many of the things you want in your relationship by focusing on what you need to do better instead of adding another item to the emotional 'honey-do' list. If you want a more affectionate marriage, you can be more affectionate. If you want to go on more dates, you can plan a date. If you want to have more peace, you can choose to react to conflict in a calmer way. Just as in our weight loss example, it is easier when you both share the same goal but you can effect change in your relationship simply by changing your choices. There is no denying that ultimately if you want certain things in your relationship, you both will have to work at it but the easiest way to do that is to start with you. To borrow a line from Ghandi, maybe its time for you to "be the change" you want to see in your relationship.