Forgive and Forget? Yes and No

It is probably the toughest lesson learned. That tricky little f-word called "forgive". There are many misconceptions about it. We often do not offer, or receive, enough of it. It can even sometimes be used against us, or hurt us even more if it is offered too rashly or insincerely.

I have mused on this subject before. More than a few times. Yet there are still aspects of it that plague me, challenge me, and frustrate me. I know it is the greatest gift I can give myself. That is the true essence of forgiveness: it is for me. It heals me. So, what is the rub?

Are we really supposed to forgive and forget? We are told that is what God does. But does He demand that of me?

I am reminded of the Old Testament story of Joseph and his brothers (Genesis 37). Joseph was a haughty little guy, bragging that if his dreams came true, he would one day rule over his brothers. He was definitely the apple of 'ole dad's eye. And his band of brothers was pretty fed up. So, they threw him in a ditch, and then decided they might make a little cash on the side and sold him into slavery.

Fast forward about 20 years and we find a famine in the land (Genesis 41-45). Joseph, through a string of amazing events, has become second only to Pharaoh in Egypt. Being a wise guy, he stockpiles grain and when the famine comes, Egypt is more than ready.

Joseph's brothers head off to Egypt to buy some food. And who should enter stage left? You guessed it. Joseph. How does he respond to the very ones who favored him dead two decades before?

He reveals who he is, drawing them closer. Assuring them they have nothing to fear, offering mercy rather than justice. But here is something I missed in the past. He says to them, "I am Joseph, your brother whom you sold into Egypt. But don't be angry with yourselves that you did this to me, for God did it. He sent me here ahead of you to preserve your lives." (Genesis 45:4-5)

Did you catch the subtlety in that statement? I am Joseph, your brother whom you sold into Egypt. Had he forgiven them? It would seem so, for he greeted them with weeping (Genesis 45:2). He immediately told them how God had used their evil deed for a greater good ("...don't be angry with yourselves...").

But, how did he introduce himself to them? He specifically identified himself by recalling what they did to him.

Doesn't quite sound like he forgot, does it?

Hmm.

So, must I forgive? Well, yes. No matter what the offense? Yes.

But here is the misconception that often keeps us from forgiving deep emotional hurts, that I am afraid some offenders forget in their quest to "make themselves clean":

Forgiveness does not mean "forget-ness".

Here's the point. Even though many years had passed, Joseph had not forgotten what his brothers had done to him. He did not sugarcoat the facts. And even our heavenly Father, when He says He will not remember our sins (Jeremiah 31:34; Hebrews 10:17), does not literally forget our wrongs. He is not absentminded. Rather, His grace is so immense that He chooses not to continually call to mind our wrong doings. It is a purposeful act of refusing to dwell on those things. He chooses to instead look at us as though we had never sinned.

Joseph did not forget, overlook, or excuse his brothers' crime against him, but he did not make them suffer for their wrongs. Instead, he offered them mercy - physically and emotionally - and their relationship was restored (Genesis 45).

Here is something else to consider. The amazing grace, mercy, and forgiveness Joseph does show to his once-wayward brothers were not entirely "free of charge". Though Joseph gave up his right to get even, he did not reveal himself to them until he had measured their true character (check out Genesis 42-44 to see how thoroughly he tested them). Once he had determined that the men standing before him, begging for their youngest brother's life, had truly changed, he disclosed his identity.

He never excused their behavior even as he assured them that he had forgiven them. And it was only after testing their hearts that Joseph knew they could move forward in a restored relationship.

This little story teaches me that I do not have to deny the facts in order to forgive. Oh, yes, I still have to forgive. That is paramount. But there is a time when it may be appropriate to confront my offenders with the truth of what they did and let them see my pain. And then there is a point where I will need to follow God's example and choose to let it go. Purposely choose not to bring their actions to mind.

Forgive and forget?

Not exactly.