Forgiveness in Five Steps

Regardless of the fact that each and every person has surely been hurt badly by another, the pain still feels and is individual and unique. However, hurt is a universal experience. It is normal to feel pain when someone treads on your feelings. Be careful not to let your pain persist beyond what is reasonable. True strength lies in the ability to relinquish your hurt and move on. When you are able to do this, you can make room for happiness and new experiences. Here are five steps to follow through the process of letting go and moving on.

Step 1: Understand & Accept the need to forgive.

First understand the results and consequences of holding onto pain. Clearly see the problems this is causing you and how it affects your relationships, work, or family. Understand that anything that negatively impacts your occupational, interpersonal and leisure activities is something that needs your attention. Leaving it on the back burner to simmer is not a solution. The only way to release the hold of pain and hurt is to confront it and work through it so that you can free yourself from it's grip and enjoy your life.

When we are unable to relinquish our pain and move on, our residual anger and frustration can ruin new relationships and spoil those we already have. Becoming trapped in a spiral of anger and frustration takes us out of the here and now and makes us unable to experience the joy inherent in each moment. It can cause us to sabotage what we have and reject new opportunities.

Step 2: Empathize with the person who hurt you.

To respond appropriately, you must have or develop empathy for the other person. By getting a strong sense of that person's situation, motivations, and abilities, you are able to see why they might have behaved in a certain manner. This does not mean that you accept the behavior or condone it. It only means that you are able to put yourself in the place of the other to understand what has happened with them and why they would behave in such a manner.

You must also take a few moments to understand what actions you might have taken that contributed to the situation. Understanding this does not mean that you are accepting blame or even that your actions were incorrect. Simply acknowledge that they existed. Examine whether or not you might have done something differently. If not, then know you did your best. If so, store this information away for future use. Make amends if necessary and possible.

Wish for only the best for the person who has hurt you. Wish for them to grow, learn and improve because of the experience, just as you are doing.

Step 3: Respond - Don't React

Responses are not based on the actions of the other person. That person may never realize what he or she has done. They may never make any effort to change or improve. What another person does is beyond your control. The actions of others are their choices. Your choice is in your response. A good response is borne of thought, consideration, and a genuine desire to improve, grow, and move forward. There is no need to show anyone a response. It belongs to you.

What is the difference between a reaction and a response? Reactions are your first impulses. They usually consist of denial, revenge seeking, striking out, seeking victimhood, and other unhealthy (usually attention-getting) behaviors that are motivated by the statement, "Oh yeah? I'll show you!" Reactions take little or no work. To formulate a good response takes a little doing. It may consist of creating a formal agreement with the person as to the way things will be between you. It may consist of your simply shrugging off your entanglement and moving on. The important thing is that it consist of a specific action on your part that signifies change and moving forward.

Step 4: Release your anger.

Make the conscious decision to simply release your hurt and anger. Hand it over to your higher power or the universe or the void - whatever works for you. Visualize it flying away. Place it in an object or a letter or a box and throw it away, burn it or bury it. Do whatever you need to do to remove it from the here and now and place it in the past. Then close the door firmly behind it.

Understand that the choice to release your anger and hurt and move on productively is entirely yours. No one can do it for you. Nothing anyone else can or will do, will truly change your feelings. Forgiveness and growth come only from within. You can only control and influence your own thoughts and feelings. It is important for you to give yourself permission to stop reliving whatever wrong was done to you and move into the present.

Step 5: Trade the past for peace.

Invite and accept peace. If you do not already have firm methods in place to bring yourself peace, establish them now. Deep breathing, meditation, prayer, exercise, are all good ways to dispel anxiety and allow peace to enter.

Put the past firmly behind you. The only place it exists is in your own thoughts. Don't allow it to keep living there. Whenever you relive past hurts, your body and mind experience them in real time. They have the same affect on you in retrospect that they had in reality. Don't give them that power. Leave them behind.

For more on peace, growth, and forgiveness, you may enjoy:

Advice On Forgiving Yourself
http://www.advice.com/article.jsp?id=2256b620bb9a4c45bf5fb5a96f093df7

Advice On Living In Joy
http://www.advice.com/article.jsp?id=22862fe0a9cb4e3ca92d378c36b97d02

Advice On Gaining Health By Nurturing Your Self
http://advice.com/latest/article/2009/03/27/Advice+on+Gaining+Health+By+Nurturing+Your+Self

Advice On Achieving Your Heart's Desires
http://advice.com/article.jsp?id=eeb5bb723dbd41829c5f1b92554be0b9